“I think it’s going to take more than running around a farm at night to do that,” I scoffed.
As much as I wasn't looking forward to it, I knew talking to the guys had to happen sooner rather than later. I grabbed Daniel's hand, stopping so the three of us could talk for a second. Given the number of times I'd screwed up over the past year, I didn't want to go into this without at least making sure they thought it was a good idea.
“I think it’s time for us to come clean with everyone. Not having to sneak around the suite is going to do a hell of a lot more than playing a bunch of kiddie games.” I bristled as soon as I said that last part. Chase and Matt had been stupidly excited about the festival, so it was probably a bad idea to shit on that when I was trying to get them back on my good side.
“I think that's a good idea,” Colin agreed. “But a word to the wise, try to keep an open mind the rest of the night. If you keep making snide comments about how childish everything here is, you're going to upset somebody. You want them to buy your apology, you need to prove you mean it in your actions. Not everyone’s like you, Zach.”
“Why do I feel like I'm missing something huge?” I watched as Jayden pulled something out of the backpack he now took everywhere with him. Chase stuffed whatever Jayden gave him into his pocket and beamed up at his boyfriend.
“You are, but that's only because you haven't been paying attention.” Daniel chuckled. “Keep an open mind, and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you still don’t understand. They won’t have a problem talking about their relationships as long as you’re respectful.”
“You guys keep saying that and it's really starting to piss me off,” I grumbled. This was stupid. I should have just stayed home and let them have their secrets and inside jokes. “I know I’ve been an asshole, but I’m trying to fix that. That’s the whole point of this shit, isn’t it?”
“Let's go. I think it's time to make things right with the guys. And remember, you're not alone. We’re all in this together.” Colin grabbed one hand and Daniel took the other. We were still way back from the rest of the group, but quickly gaining on them.
“I don't want them to think I'm only doing this because you guys made me,” I admitted. My hands were clammy, and my throat felt thick. Just fucking once, I wished being true to myself didn’t make me feel weak as fuck. They all made it look so simple. Andthatwas the root of why I wanted to hate them. They didn’t understand how hard it was for someone like me to be gay.
“They won't think that,” Daniel reassured me.
“I hope you're right.” I sucked in a deep breath and held it, closing my eyes for a few seconds. When I opened them, we were right behind our friends. They were laughing and joking, like this wasn’t the moment the bottom could drop out of their lives. Probably because it wasn’t. That was something only I felt.
My heart raced as we joined the rest of the guys. I hadn't realized just how much damage I had done to my friendships, or how long I’d been floating aimlessly, trying to find a way to make things right. This really did feel like a fresh start for me, if only I could get over myself.
Without a word, Daniel took the lead and found a picnic table for all of us to sit at. He gave me a reassuring nod before telling everyone he was going to grab a round of drinks. I would have felt better if he’d meant shots, but this was very much a family festival and there was no alcohol in sight.
Everyone stared at me, waiting for me to start conversation. I cleared my throat, trying to figure out what to say.
“So, I bet you're all wondering why I called you here tonight,” I joked. Matt chuckled and the corner of Brandon's mouth lifted in a smirk. Chase offered me a shy smile and nodded subtly, but Jayden didn't show the slightest bit of amusement.
Fuck, he was going to be the hard one to get through to. Now that I had my head out of my ass, I couldn't blame him. If anyone treated Colin or Daniel the way I had Chase, I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive them.
“I know Chase and Colin talked earlier today, so I wanted to clear the air about some things,” I began. Colin took my hand and leaned against the edge of the picnic table. No one was sitting, which made things easier because I wasn’t looking down at them. “I know you guys might not like what I’m about to say, but I need you to believe I’m trying to do better.”
I looked directly at Chase, hoping he knew I meant him. He tilted his head to the side and smiled again. When he nodded, I continued. “I'm really sorry about that. I had a lot of shit going on in my head and I took it out on you. That wasn't fair or right, but it’s the only explanation I’ve got.
“It's okay,” Chase assured me. “I get that it hasn't been easy for you. It's all water under the bridge, as far as I'm concerned.”
“I appreciate that, but I still needed to make sure you all know I feel like shit about the way I've acted.” I sucked in a deep breath and wiped my clammy hands against my jeans. It wasn’t that it was all on me to tell them about us, but I wanted it to be. If they were going to take it badly, I’d rather have their focus on me. “Daniel and Colin have made me face all the ways I fucked up. Colin wasn’t here to see a lot of it, but I’m sure he’s heard about it. And for some reason, he’s still giving me a chance. Both of them are. And I’ll get it if you think they deserve better than me. Hell, I agree, but this is how it’s gonna be. So yeah, this is me, trying to do better, not lying to you guys anymore.”
“And if you don't, you have us to kick your ass,” Daniel teased, but I wasn't sure he was joking. I hoped he wasn't. Everyone grabbed a cup of hot cider and squeezed onto the benches of the picnic table. I blushed when Colin pulled me onto his lap because there was no more room to sit.
“I guess that's really all I had to say. If there's any way I can make it up to you, let me know.”
I waited for someone to tell us how fucked up it was that the three of us were together, but if they felt that way, no one said anything. Jayden and Brandon went back to nursing their drinks. Chase and Matt stared whispering back and forth, putting me on edge. They were the two I worried about the most because… Hell, I didn’t even know why, other than because my gut told me I’d hurt them the most by how I’d acted. Chase started talking animatedly with Jayden, who kept looking over at me. He cocked his head to the side and the corner of his mouth tipped up as he nodded.
“Jayden says there’s time for us to go to the bounce bag before the hayride,” Chase announced as he stood. He held out his hand for money, then dragged Matt off the bench. They bounded over to me like kids who were being let loose.
Matt wrapped his hand around my wrist. “Let’s go!”
“Uh, not sure that’s my thing,” I hedged.
But why in the hell wasn’t it? I’d seen other adults on it when we’d walked past, and it looked fun. The difference was, they were all with their families, and I assumed they were doing it to humor their kids.
“Have you tried it?” Matt challenged.
“Well, no,” I admitted.
“Then how can you say you don’t like it?” Chase chimed in. “I think you’re just a big chicken.”
