“If you got some chick knocked up, you're not bringing her to stay with us.” Leave it to Jayden to assume that while he thought I'd been out fucking everything with a heartbeat, I’d been irresponsible on top of it. Before I could think of a sarcastic response, Chase elbowed him in the gut. “What? We all know that if any of us was to find ourselves in that position, it's going to be him.
Matt scoffed. “Yeah. But that probably has more to do with the fact that most of us are gold star gays. How about you let him talk? Whatever it is got him worked up enough to go hurl, so it’s probably pretty fucking serious.”
Brandon smiled at his boyfriend, patting his thigh.
I mouthedthank youbefore closing my eyes to take a few deep breaths.Here we go.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Soul-searching, I guess some would call it. And I don't want to keep hating myself. That's what all this has really been about.” I opened my eyes and stared directly at Jayden. If anyone was going to turn into an asshole about this, it was clear now it was going to be him.
“I’m not like the rest of you. Sure, you, Brandon, Matt, and I bonded over all being raised by single parents, but the past year has shown me we’re still very different people.” Fuck, it sucked to say all this out loud. Until now, I’d been careful what I shared about my dad because I didn’t want anyone to pity me. I knew he was a dick, but I honestly believed he’d been trying to make the best of a bad situation most of the time. “Jayden, you have, by far, one of the coolest moms anybody could hope to have. If you asked her to, there's no doubt she would be standing right beside you at every Pride parade you attended. I didn't have that. I never will.”
Yeah, it was time to crack open that beer. I leaned back to grab it, nearly toppling over when the chair kicked back on two legs. Fuck, it hurt saying this shit out loud. But once I was done, it would be out there, and they’d understand a bit of what I’d kept hidden from them.
“All I heard when I was growing up was what my dad thought a real man should be. Whenever we were out and we'd see a guy who was even the least bit feminine, I had to listen to every disgusting thing my dad said about them.” There was no gray area when it came to him. You were either super-masculine or you were a fucking freak. He’d never make it in a bigger city. He’d probably think anyone who cared about their appearance was gay. “So, what was I supposed to think when I realized, no matter how hard I tried, I never be the real man he wanted me to be?”
“Fuck that,” Jayden spat. “If he wants to be that much of dick, you don't need him in your life.”
That was easy for him to say. I wondered how he’d feel if he’d grown up like I had. Not only did he have Gen, who would forever hold the mother-of-the-year spot in my mind, but his uncle was like a fairy gayfather, teaching him the ways of being with another man. I had none of that shit in my life.
“You don't get it. We’re all each other has. That's why I put up with it as long as I did,” I explained. With my mom gone, I knew he’d been forced into a life he never envisioned. And for a long time, I thought being the hetero son, who’d eventually find a nice girl to settle down with, would make him resent me less. “But then, I started to hate myself more than I thought possible.”
I turned my attention to Chase because he was my most frequent target.Hewas the one who needed to hear these words. “When the two of you started dating, I wished it would be possible to have that in my own life. And, instead of growing set of balls and coming out, I lashed out, determined to be that real man my dad would be proud of. But he's wrong if he somehow thinks being gay or bi, or whatever other than straight, makes you less than. You showed me that. You’re one of the best people I know, and I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I can't keep living to make him happy when I feel like I'm dying inside.”
Brandon pushed off the couch and came to my side. He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “We’re proud of you, Zach. No matter what happens with your old man, you'll always have us.”
I nodded, too choked up to say anything. They all gave me time, no one trying to rush me. “I'm still a work in progress, I suppose you could say. There's probably still going to be a lot of times when I say or do stupid shit. Just, bear with me. I’ll understand if you can't forgive me but, I guess, I hope you will eventually.”
Matt joined his boyfriend, also placing his hand on my shoulder. “That's rough. But you don't ever have to worry. We've got you, brother.”
I felt another hand on my opposite shoulder. “I might not have been with you guys since the beginning, but that goes for me too,” Chase promised.
I hoped like hell he wouldn't change his mind once he knew how I’d managed to come as far as I had. I didn't want to give up Colin, but I also didn't want to risk the tenuous friendship I felt blossoming between me and Chase.
I glanced up at Jayden, who was still sitting on the couch. He scrubbed his chin, watching me. That was fine. I didn't expect any of the guys to be this chill about my announcement, it made sense that he might not be ready to forgive and forget. He rose slowly, bypassing us on his way to the kitchen.
Rather than stand behind me with the rest of our roommates, he crouched directly in front of me. “If you're screwing around with Daniel, you better not fuck him over. He's been half in love with you since at least last spring.”
My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “You knew? Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”
“Of course I knew. We all did,” Jayden informed me. His jaw clenched tight and his nostrils flared. I hadn’t expected this to be what he was pissed off about. “Who the hell do you think he turned to when you were busy using him to help you get more girls? Do you have any clue how hard that was on him?”
I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. I was actually grateful to hear Jayden sticking up for Daniel. He deserved that.
“What I did wasn't cool for a lot of reasons,” I admitted to Jayden. “But that's done now. And I promise you, if I hurt him, you have permission to beat the shit out of me. Hell, I want you to. I'm so scared I'm going to fuck up because this is all so new to me.”
“Then I guess it's a good thing you got all of us,” Jayden remarked, seeming satisfied with my answer. He stepped back, taking Chase's hand before they both collapsed onto the couch.
“This is a fucking trip,” Jayden muttered, more to himself than anyone in particular. “Who would have thought all of us would eventually wind up coming out?”
“But are you really surprised?” Chase teased. “I mean, look at all of you. It's a good thing I saw you first. Otherwise, I probably would have wound up crushing on one of the other guys, and that would make things weird after I started to fall in love with you.”
“Don’t even joke about that.” Jayden's irritation with me vanished as he started tickling Chase. Brandon stepped into the kitchen, saying something about needing to get dinner out of the oven. That left Matt and me on our own.
He walked around in front of me. “Look, I don't know why it took you this long to say something. I know all of us are probably a little confused about you not even telling us but, at the end of the day, you needed to do what was right for you. Hopefully, this meansyou'lleventually let go of the past. And if your dad does decide to be a dick about you hooking up with Daniel, you can always come home with Brandon and me at break.”
I let out a deep breath. Probably the first one in months without feeling a weight on my chest. Even if I was still in the closet back home, the guys who mattered most to me knew and weren’t pissed about the things I’d done while trying to hide my truth until I was ready.
Chase was right. I no longer feared what might happen in the future. If my dad couldn't accept me the way I was, I'd still have this new found family looking out for me.
