“Despite what you might have heard, I am a grown man. I do make my own decisions from time to time.” His narrowed eyes would have had more effect if he wasn’t so damn cute.
“Shit, that's not what I meant at all,” I clarified. “It's just…” I wrung my fingers together. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I was dating a guy as sweet as you and somebody treated him the way I’ve treated you, there'd be no chance in hell I’d leave you alone with me.”
“If you were dating a guy as sweet as me, huh?” He smirked, his eyes bright with mirth.
So, he picked up on that. It was a good thing I wasn't keeping the secret much longer, because I could only imagine how many more times I'd slip up if I was. “Yeah. That's why I called everybody out there. I shouldn’t keep lying to everyone, and I figured I’d better apologize, too.”
“Would it help to say the words to me, first?” he offered. “Maybe that'll make it less scary.”
“I tried that earlier with Brandon. Thought it worked, too.”
“One thing I’ve learned is, every time you say it, you take away a little of the power your fear has over you.” Chase watched me, waiting for a response.
I took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and then promptly closed it when words got caught. I wasn't sure how many times I did that, looking like a fish gasping for air on land.
Chase rested a hand on my knee. “You can do this, Zach. It's just you and me here,” he reminded me, as if that was supposed to make things easier. And, in a way, I suppose it did.
“I was so horrible to you because I was jealous,” I admitted.
“Jealous of me?” He sounded like that was the most ridiculous thing in the world.
“Yeah. You. You came waltzing in here like it was the most normal thing in the world to be out and proud,” I explained. “And then there was me, doing everything I could to barricade myself in the closet, so I didn't have to admit to anyone—especially myself—that I'm gay.”
Chase draped an arm over my shoulder as my body sagged against his. He pressed his lips to the top of my head, swaying back and forth exactly the way his brother had. They were good men, and I was lucky to have them in my life. “You don’t have to say anything more. It’s okay.”
“No, I need to get this out. I don't expect you to forgive me but maybe if you understand where I'm coming from, you won't hate me.”
At least, he wouldn’t hate me until he knew I was messing around with his brother. And hell, there was still a good chance I'd find a way to screw things up and Colin would leave me before Chase ever found out.
“You don't owe anyone an explanation,” he insisted, hugging me tighter. “Whatever happened to you that made you feel like you couldn't be yourself, I understand. I don't hate you. You made me nervous for a long time, but everybody can see how much different you are this year.”
“Really?” I pulled back so I could look at him.
“Yeah. Your lighter, like you've let go of a burden you’d been carrying around,” he explained. “Now, I guess it makes sense.”
Iwasless stressed this year, and that was really saying something since I still felt like I was about to snap at any moment. But I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to stay in hiding when I was at school, and I’d kept that vow. For the most part.
“I never thought of it that way. We should probably get back out there before Jayden busts down the door.”
“You give him far too much credit,” Chase scoffed.
“Spoken like a man who’s never gotten on his bad side.” I eased myself off the floor and held out a hand to Chase. The two of us had never been close, and I wasn't sure we’d ever be besties, but it felt right that he was the second person—outside of our trio— to learn my truth. I draped an arm over his shoulder, pulling him in for an awkward hug. “Thanks for coming in to check on me.”
“No problem,” he responded brightly. He looked up at me, flashing me the brilliant smile he reserved for friends. “We have to take care of one another, right?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
I felt the tension in the room as I followed Chase back to the others. He crawled into Jayden's lap, leaning in to whisper something only the two of them could hear. Whatever it was, it made Jayden's scowl soften. As I’d feared, my beer had missed the table in my haste to make it to the bathroom before getting sick. Matt was just finishing up sopping the liquid out of the carpet.
“You didn't have to clean that up,” I told him as I gathered the wet towels and tossed them into the hallway. After this was over, I’d get everything together and head down to the laundry room.
“No worries,” he assured me as he placed a hand between my shoulder blades. “Everything good now? You feeling okay?”
“Better,” I responded. Once we finished cleaning up, Matt grabbed me a replacement beer. I didn't open it right away. After talking to Chase, I thought I might be able to get through this without trying to drink myself stupid.
I pulled over one of the dining room chairs, flipping it around before taking a seat, and resting my arms on the back of the chair. Chase smiled at me and Brandon gave me a nod. No matter what happened, both of them were here for me.
“Sorry about that,” I apologized. “This isn't easy for me, but it's time I come clean with you guys. And before I say anything, I want all of you to know I don't expect anything in return. But I haven't been honest with you and, as you can probably tell, I’m still nervous about how you're going to react.”
