As the seconds ticked by, I knew that whatever I said next was going to set the tone for the rest of the day. If I told Colin off, we’d have to find a way to pretend like nothing happened.
Or I could admit I needed someone to push me out of my comfort zone.
“It’s all good,” I reassured him. “Just don’t make a habit of it and we’ll be square.”
“You have my word.” Colin made a goofy little X over his heart. I didn’t realize grown men did that shit. “Still, it wasn’t okay for me to talk to Daniel when you weren’t there. I could go into all the reasons I did, but would it really change anything?”
“Probably not, but maybe it would help me if I understood where you’re coming from.” The one thing I couldn’t figure out was why he was so hellbent on playing the kinky little puppet-master. He was a good-looking guy; it wouldn’t be hard for him to find someone willing to let him boss them around.
“Listen, I know you’ll probably take this the wrong way but I’m gonna say it and deal with whatever happens.” That was one thing I liked about Colin. Even when he knew there was a risk, he didn’t avoid speaking his mind.
“Watching you is hard sometimes.” Colin took a sip of his coffee as he stared into the distance. Nothing like jumping into the deep end. “I heard a lot about everyone over the summer. And the guy I’ve gotten to know away from the suite, is the exact opposite of how I imagined you’d be from what Jayden and Chase told me about you. You act like the world’s biggest dick, but I’m starting to realize that’s a coping mechanism for you.”
I squirmed, not sure how I felt about being psychoanalyzed for the second time in as many hours. “When you don’t think anyone’s watching, or when you get a few drinks in you and can’t guard yourself as well, you’re an open book.”
I let out a disbelieving huff of laughter, shaking my head. “No fucking way am I an open book. If I was, there’s no way you’d have been the first to see through the shit I tell everyone.”
It was strange being so completely honest with these two men. I wondered if Daniel was upset that I’d hidden the truth from him until now. If our roles were reversed, I probably would have been pissed as hell at him. I felt guilty, suddenly opening up to this guy we’d only recently met. But it wasn’t really sudden at all. I’d spent the entire summer trying to figure out how I could get myself out of the mess I’d created, and it felt almost as if Colin was the answer I’d been looking for.
“No, you are. But it’s like your book is written in a different language. So most people might see you and they can read something, but they can’t understand you.”
“And you think you know me?” I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, glaring at him, daring him to say he did. He might know more than most, but he didn’tknow me. How could he when I didn’t even know myself?
“Not yet, but I’d like to,” Colin admitted. “It’s been hell, knowing you’re checking me out but being too damn worried about scaring you off to say anything. I’m not always good at biting my tongue, but Idoknow you enough to understand that if I’d made a snarky crack, you would have either bitten my head off or decked me.”
Funny, even he knew punching him would be my default response when I felt cornered.
Wait a fucking minute…
“I was not checking you out,” I argued. It didn’t count if I just so happened to turn around at work and saw him bent over pulling bins out of the line fridge. He always tied his apron loose and the strings tended to slide under the tight globes of his ass. It was like he was begging for someone to notice.
“You totally were.” Colin started to reach across the table then pulled his hand back at the last minute. He glanced around the diner then to where Daniel’s hand still rested on my arm. Daniel gave me a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay. I’m not upset. Hell, after the first few times, I started trying to figure out ways I could catch your attention. I was hoping that if I bided my time, you’d eventually cave.”
See, I knew he’d done that shit on purpose.
“I can’t believe I never knew,” Daniel mused. I thought for sure he’d figured it out that one night. If I hadn’t panicked, everything would have been so different.
“I didn’t want you to.” I swallowed hard, feeling even worse now that the truth hung between us. “I’m so damn confused, D. I’m not like Matt, Brandon, or any of the other guys. I should have known something was different about me sooner.”
“Maybe you’re bi,” Daniel suggested.
I shook my head. If the truth was coming out today, might as well get it all out there at the same time. Rip off that Band-Aid, so to speak.
“I don’t think so.” I was proud of myself for getting the words past my lips. “I really wanted to be straight, but no amount of wishing is going to make that true, is it?”
“Oh, Zach,” Daniel whispered, so softly I wasn’t sure he realized he’d said it out loud.
“No, I don’t want your pity. This is my mess to sort out.” I poked a finger into my chest, angry about all the times I’d lashed out at other people to keep them from getting too close.
“You don’t have to do it alone,” Colin offered. “We’re both here for you.”
“But you shouldn’t be,” I ground out. “I’m sure your brother has told you what an asshole I was to him when he first moved in. I’m surprised Jayden didn’t beat me to a pulp after the hell I put him through.”
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m not my brother.” Oh, I’d definitely noticed. It didn’t surprise me at all when Chase looked to Jayden for permission before doing anything. It was natural for him, just as being a pushy bastard who needed complete control seemed to be Colin’s default. “If you were to try to break him down again, then you and I might have a problem, but both of us understand what it’s like when you’re trying to come to terms with you are.”
Colin paused, taking another sip of his coffee, once again staring blankly into the distance. His shoulders slumped forward when he looked directly at me. “You’re not the only one keeping secrets, Zach. Very few people know that I’m gay. Even my parents don’t know.”
That was a surprise. Colin exuded confidence that made me jealous as fuck. He didn’t seem like the type to hide away in the closet.
