“Far from it,” I admitted dropping to my knees in front of Zach. “Why didn't you say something sooner?”
“Why the hell didn't you?” he shot back. “It's not exactly like you were jumping out of the closet, either. Seems to me, both of us have been keeping some shit bottled up.”
“That may be, but one of us ever lied about it.” Calling him out might destroy everything, but he had to know that if anything was going to happen, whether it was just between the two of us or if Colin was with us, I wasn't going to stand by and listen to him spew his toxic masculinity bullshit. He didn't need to sign us up for a float in the pride parade or anything like that, but he wouldn’t lie about whatever was going on, either.
“I guess I deserve that.” Zach slumped back on his futon. I rested my hands on his knees. “Everyone's going to hate me when they find out.”
He looked so distressed. I wanted to climb into his lap and hug him while I promised him it would all be okay. But I couldn't guarantee that. And whatever troubles he faced, he’d brought on himself.
“Everyone's going to hate me,” he repeated, his voice cracking with anguish. “But I guaran-damn-tee nobody will hate me as much as I hate myself. I know it’s wrong. I’m a cowardanda liar.”
My heart shattered when I noticed a tear streaking down his face. Zach was always so damn stoic, still refusing to show any emotion he thought made him seem weak. But he couldn’t fight it any longer. I reached up, wiping the tear away with my thumb. He leaned into my touch and I cupped his jaw, brushing my thumb back and forth over his cheek.
“Oh, Zach,” I whispered. “You have some making up to do, but nobody’s going to hate you.”
“You can't speak for them,” he pointed out.
“You're right, but no one in the suite is shady and vindictive.” I couldn’t think of anyone who didn’t have secrets they tried keeping locked away. Sure, Zach’s came out in more cruel ways, but it wasn’t like he was the first man to ever suffer from internalized homophobia.
“Except for me, you mean.” I smacked the outside of his thigh. “You know I’m right.”
“No, not even you. There's definitely shit you need to sort out and fix, but beneath the tough guy bullshit exterior you try to show everyone else, I know you have a heart of gold.”
Zach snorted a laugh.
I glared at him. “I fucking mean it. You don't let anyone see it because you're afraid they'll use it to hurt you. Every time you come back to school, your light is dimmed a bit and I think I’m starting to understand why.”
“What are you, my therapist now?” Zach was trying to crack a joke but getting him to a therapist wasn't a bad idea. Too bad I wasn't qualified, and even if I was, I was far too close to the situation to be that for him.
Colin pounded on the door. “Are you guys just about ready? We have to get going if we’re heading out.”
I quirked an eyebrow and looked to Zach. I would follow his lead. If he wanted today to be just the two of us, then I would ask Colin to stay behind. But part of me wanted to see what it would be like spending the entire day with both of them. So far, they’d gotten to know one another, and I’d spent time with each of them separately, but it had never been just the three of us. Getting out off campus together would give us time to get to know one another without the sexual chemistry boiling over.
“We’ll be out in three,” Zach bellowed.
“Are you sure about this?” I reached up to pull his bottom lip from between his teeth. “It’s already been a pretty huge morning, I’d understand if you need some time to process.”
“You said nothing I’m not ready for, right?” I backed away as he pushed up from the futon.
I clamped a hand on his shoulder. “Absolutely. And if nothing else, if you're just curious about shit, neither of us will hold it against you if you decide it's not for you. Whatever we do, or don't do, won't impact our friendship.”
The tension he’d been carrying in his shoulders eased. “And what if I get a taste and want more?”
That wasn't something I'd been expecting, but I got the feeling Zach was going to surprise me plenty in the near future.
“I'm pretty sure we can figure something out,” I assured him. “Hell, maybe we'll finally figure out why the sex you’ve been having has been so damn bad.”
“It wasn't all bad,” Zach admitted as he pulled on his jeans and stuffed his feet in his worn-out sneakers. “It was always better when you were there with me.”
“Yeah, because I do all the heavy lifting,” I teased. Zach didn't bother disagreeing. In in some ways, I was Zack's beard. He kept going out and having sex because it was something he thought he was supposed to do, even if it wasn't something he enjoyed.
Colin pounded on the door again. “Are the two of you slow pokes coming or am I heading down to the diner on my own?”
“Is he always going to be that damn pushy?” Zach grumbled.
I shrugged. “You've probably spent more time with him than I have. How the hell am I supposed to know? And maybe we both need someone to tell us what to do for a change.”
I spun away quickly, not wanting to show Zach how much I like the idea of someone else taking control.
