“And that’s not strange to you?” Jayden looked like he was going to take me out back and kick the shit out of me if I shit all over something that made his boy so happy one more time.
“No, it’s not,” he responded flatly before heading back to his boy. He was still fuming when he sat next to me. “Listen, I know you feel like you’re diving into the deep end, but you have to be very careful about what you say and how you say it. You said yourself that Matt looks like he’s having a good time tonight. How do you think he’d react if he’s just starting to learn things about himself and he hears you saying it’s weird or strange, or whatever other adjective you come up with?
“Yes, it was a little bit odd at first to know Chase likes letting go of the adult world. I’m not sure if it made things easier or harder for us, but Chase wasn’t the one to tell me,” he explained. That was interesting. I hoped like hell some dickhead hadn’t dropped a bomb on Jayden thinking he was going to ruin Chase’s life. The kid didn’t talk much about his former roommate, but we all knew the situation there hadn’t been healthy. After watching the boys play for a bit, he continued, “If I’d left it up to him, I’m pretty sure I’d still be in the dark. And let me say, I’d rather learn how to deal with all of his gear and how to take care of him than think about what it would be like living across the room from someone who was scared to show his true colors.”
“I guess I didn’t think about it that way,” I admitted, sitting back to watch the boys playing. I scrubbed a palm against my cheek. My gaze never drifted from the boys as I spoke. “Seeing him down there is like looking back in time. It’s different for us, you know, because we’ve been friends as long as I can remember. I wonder if he’s always been little and just didn’t have the words for it until Chase came along. Whenever we go home, he still pulls out his old toys when we’re hanging out in the basement at his mom’s place, and he somehow goads me into watching these stupid cartoons I hadn’t even remembered. I thought it was just him fighting adulthood.”
“In a way, it might be,” Jayden said. “But that doesn’t make it any less valid. The question is, what are you going to do about it now that you know?”
“Drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to be the Daddy he wants.” I hung my head, clasping my fingers behind my neck. “Fuck, I feel like an ass for teasing him when he started calling me that. I swear, I thought it was just him trying to get a rise out of me.”
“Again, with Matt, it might be.” We both laughed. The conversation died a bit after that. A guy named Levi came and introduced himself as Teo’s Daddy. Teo, apparently, was the boy Chase and Matty were playing with on the floor. While he and Jayden chatted, I watched the boys with one ear tuned in to their conversation. It was obvious Jayden was still trying to find his own way, but I worried I’d never fit in the way he did. I answered questions whenever they tried to include me in the conversation, but otherwise I was just fine losing myself in thought.
“You don't worry about anyone finding out?” I asked when Levi excused himself. It didn’t seem strange that he’d asked Jayden to keep an eye on his boy. When they were here, there was a certain level of trust, and even if they were equals outside the club, here, Levi was Daddy and that meant he was responsible for his boy, even if they weren’t physically in the same room. Shit. This was a lot to take in. And my question was stupid. It wasn't as if Chase walked around wearing nothing but a diaper all the time. Hell, I wasn't even sure if that was a thing for them. I knew itwasa kink some dudes got into, and I hoped like hell it wasn’t something Matt ever wanted. That might be my limit.
“Anyone who matters, knows me better than to have a problem with who I'm dating or the dynamics of our relationship.” I wondered what it would be like to have that sort of confidence in the people around me. As much as my family tried to take things in stride, I knew they thought it would be better somehow, if I could just find myself a nice girl to settle down with. Too bad for them, that was never going to happen. Jayden's family was like a gay kid's fairytale. They were totally chill with who he was.
“So, you'd be okay if your mom knew what type of relationship you have? Wouldn’t she worry about Daddy issues or some shit like that?”
Jayden barked out a laugh. “Are you kidding? She's the one who found Chase's pacifier in the laundry. Then she spent the rest of the weekend trying to explain to me how I could be a good Daddy to him. Or maybe she thought I was lying when I said it wasn't my pacifier and she was trying to subtly tell me that she was okay with me being a little.”
“Is that the actual term for it?” I was totally clueless about all of this, other than what I’d found online, and I didn’t trust random websites. Unfortunately, kinky relationships weren’t the frequent subjects of educational research so I couldn’t fall back on my usual sources.
“Among other things.” Jayden shrugged. “Look, if you want to talk to somebody about all this but you'd rather it not be me, I do understand. I can introduce you to my uncle.”
“You seriously think that if I can't talk to you about all of this I want to talk to your super masculine, ex-military uncle? Yeah, no thanks.” Jayden spent our entire freshman year ranting about the uncle who’d retired from the military and was trying to make up for lost time by being the father figure he thought Jayden had missed out on. And now he was pimping him out to be my kinky tutor?
“He's not what you'd expect,” Jayden assured me. “And look on the bright side, at least you aren't the one who's related to him and having to talk about this shit with him. Do you know how weird it is knowing that my uncle’s boyfriend is also his boy?”
I let out a low whistle. “Damn, you weren't kidding when you said your family would be cool with you being Chase’s Daddy, were you?”
Jayden rolled his eyes. “Believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, I'm happy they’re chill, but at the same time they tend to go a bit overboard in showing their support. And if my mom finds out that you and Matt have the same dynamic as Chase and me, you'd better be ready for her to drag you out of the suite by force if necessary. No way in hell is she going to let you stay there every weekend when she could have all her boys under one roof.”
“Why would she do that?” Matt and I had gone home with Jayden a couple of times last year and his mom was cool shit, but we didn’t reallyknoweach other.
“Because she keeps making these little comments every weekend about how nice it would be if Chase had someone to play with,” he explained. “I swear, if seeing how she is with Chase is any indication of what she would be like with her grandkids, I’m glad that's not something we're even thinking about. He's gotten more toys in the past month than I had my entire childhood.”
“And that’s seriously not strange to you?” I rubbed my temples, trying to stave off the headache forming. This was too much to handle. “I don’t mean that in a bad way, but come on, you know it’s—”
“It's completely bizarre,” he admitted. “But again, I just count my lucky stars and remember not everyone has it as easy as me. It kind of feels wrong to bitch when I have so many people rallying behind me and a lot of people don't.”
“I guess that makes sense.” I leaned back on the couch and watched Matt and Chase playing with their new friend. It was like seeing both of them for the first time. Neither of them had to guard themselves from the outside world when they were in the playroom. Every once in a while, Matt glanced over his shoulder as if he was trying to make sure I hadn't bailed on him. When he saw me, he’d smile and go back to whatever he was doing. He did that a lot when we were at home, too. It was like he needed the reassurance that I hadn’t abandoned him.
I might not understand what was happening, but the longer I watched them, the more determined I became to figure out a way to get over my own hang-ups. Matt deserved better from me than the little I’d been willing to try so far. We never did more than a childlike bedtime routine and me waking him up with kisses and cuddles so he could finish his homework while I made breakfast, but he deserved better than that. He deserved to be as happy as he was tonight all the time.
“I’m probably going to sound really stupid,” I warned Jayden. He waved a hand in the air as if making that statement was ridiculous. “Do you think you could help me work through all this? I mean, I totally understand if that's crossing some sort of friendship boundary, but I don't want to screw this up.”
“It's not like I'm an expert,” Jayden scoffed. “Hell, I know damn well what Chase wants from me and I'm still not ready to take that leap.”
“What's that?”
“Every boy wants the same thing. Their ultimate dream is to find the Daddy who will love them and take care of all their needs. Sure, for some it’s only during defined scenes—that’s set times when everyone takes on their roles—but I know Chase would be happier if he had something more permanent.”
I took a long look at the backpack at Jayden's feet. “You could've fooled me. It seems like you do a pretty good job being his Daddy.”
“Yeah, but sometimes I feel like a poser. Hell, it wasn't until recently that I even let him say… That word. And I'm not sure how I feel about him calling me Daddy, even now.” He slumped back on the couched and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m not gonna lie, there are times it’s hard as hell. And yeah, you’re going to stop yourself every now and then, wondering when you signed up for this. But at the end of the day, it’s so fucking worth it.”
That was one way Jayden and I were different. I absolutely love being Daddy. It was powerful shit, knowing that I was the one who Matt turned to. And maybe it was because I'd had time to get used to the idea and do a little bit of research before Matt and I got together, but I knew in my heart that even if Matt and I had stayed nothing but friends the rest of our lives, eventually, I would have wanted to find a partner who wasn't turned off by the idea of letting his Daddy take care of them.
