“I thought you hated it when I did that stuff.” Nothing made Brandon’s snarky side come out like me belting out my favorite movie tunes. He thought I did it to annoy him, but that was because he’d never seen me when I was alone. That was when the choreography came out.
“Oh, sweetheart. I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess, maybe I was a little jealous of you. You’re a kid at heart and grew up in a house where you were encouraged to stay young as long as possible. I never had that. For as long as I can remember, we were told we needed to think about our future.” Perspective was a funny thing. When we were younger, I’d wished my mom would give me a bit of structure. I always felt like she was so tired from trying to keep a roof over our heads that she couldn’t be bothered to worry about me. And the whole time, Brandon saw her lack of structure as her encouraging me to enjoy my childhood.
“So, you really don't have a problem with me watching cartoons and playing with toys?” I pursed my lips together and held my breath while I waited for his answer. This night was taking a very different turn than I had expected. Maybe, just maybe, things would turn out okay after all.
“I want you to keep doing whatever makes you happy,” he promised me.
“Even if there's things we haven't already talked about?” Although I felt a little more confident than I had at first, I was still treading carefully. There was no sense in jumping in and spooking him.
“You make me nervous when you say things like that,” Brandon admitted. “You have to remember that I've known you your entire life. There's a whole spectrum of crazy shit I could imagine you telling me you wanted to try just to shock me.”
Well, it probably was going to surprise him at least a little bit, but now I was the one who was curious. Sure, I liked to have fun but that didn't mean I wanted to get frisky with livestock or anything like that. At some point, I definitely wanted to know what sort of insanity he was imagining.
The TV went into sleep mode. I tried swiping the remote, figuring it might help to have something to keep my mind off his reactions, but he held it out of my reach. I scowled at him. He was going to make me do this the hard way.
“You know how Chase is a little bit different, right?” I had given him bits and pieces of what I had overheard from their bedroom but hadn't told him every little detail. See, I did havesomerespect for my roommate's privacy.
“Yes, but I thought we weren't going to talk about other people's private lives anymore,” Brandon scolded me.
“I'm not,” I insisted. “That was the only segue I could think of that would make this any less weird. The truth is, I think I might be a little bit like him. Maybe not as much as he is, and I'm pretty sure I don't want all the same stuff he does, but we really aren't all that different.”
“How so?” I relaxed a bit as Brandon rubbed my back. He was always doing that. It was like he knew I was scared, and he was trying to help me relax.
“I… Shit, this is harder than I thought it would be.” My mind raced with all the things Chase told me about earlier today. And then, the things he’d shown me that I didn’t even know existed.
“Look, if you can't talk about it, how do you expect to try it?” That was easy for him to say. He had no clue what bomb I was getting ready to detonate and drop in his lap.
“Chase said almost the exact same thing,” I admitted.
“So, you and Chase talked a little bit about whatever has you worried?” I nodded. “And do you think he's weird for being the way he is?” I shook my head. “Do you trust that I'm willing to at least listen to whatever it is you have to say? I can't promise how I'll react or if whatever you're thinking is something I’d be interested in trying, but I will promise you that I'll listen.”
“I know you will.” I flipped onto my stomach and rested my head on Brandon's chest. It was easier to talk if I didn't have to look at his face. “It's just… Sometimes I wish I could be little again. I wanted that even before Chase moved in, before you and I got together, hell, before we even started school. But it wasn't until Chase that I started to see that maybe I wasn't just trying to resist growing up. And when we were talking, he told me all sorts of stuff. There are lots of boys out there who want to find Daddies to love them and take care of them. I like that because a lot of what we talked about is stuff you already do for me, so this would just be taking everything to a different level.”
“It sounds like you've thought about this a lot,” Brandon said. He started combing his fingers through my hair and I let my eyes drift shut. “If it helps, I’m not upset with you for talking to Chase instead of me. I get that it's scary for you. And we all need someone to talk to.”
He had no clue. This was terrifying. But I had to remember what Chase told me. Brandon already loved me. We had a lot of history together and he knew who I was as a person. He wouldn't turn his back on me because of this. And if he couldn't give me what I needed, then I'd find a way to be okay with that.
“What if I wanted you to be even more my Daddy than you already are?” I pressed.
“How so?” His hand stilled on my back. Ugh. Why couldn’t he get what I wanted without me having to say it? For all his claiming he knew me better than I knew myself, sometimes he was clueless.
“Would it be weird to you if I said that sometimes I want to be your little boy? When you rub my back so I can go to sleep, sometimes I think about what it would be like if you helped me get into my jammies and things like that,” I admitted. There was so much more, but baby steps were the best approach.
“Jammies?” I tried to not feel sad when he chuckled. He wasn’t laughingat me, but it was a ridiculous conversation if you were looking in from the outside. “You sleep in your ratty boxers.”
“Like I said, it doesn't all make sense—even to me. But maybe I don’twantto sleep in my underwear,” I suggested. Chase had some awesome pajamas and he’d shown me even more on one of the websites he had bookmarked. I hoped he didn’t mind me using his computer sometimes, at least until I could convince Brandon that he was supposed to be my Daddy and we were supposed to buy those things together, unless he wanted to buy me presents. “If I was little, maybe I’d want special jammies that made me feel safe. And they’d have footies on them so I wouldn’t get cold when you steal the blankets.”
“That’s not stealing them, it’s guarding them soyoudon’t wrap yourself up like a burrito.” He poked his fingers into my ribs and started tickling me. Eventually, we settled. “I need some time to think about this, Matty. It’s…a lot. I’m not saying no, but let me think, okay?”
“I can do that,” I promised him. When I’d tried to imagine how tonight would go, this had been my best-case scenario. I’d give Brandon all the time he needed. This was one time I’d be patient, even if it killed me.
13
Brandon
I was officially losing my shit. While I was proud of Matt for telling me that he was curious about being little, it was just strange. I’d spent weeks watching Jayden and Chase, trying to figure out the differences between what we were doing and being Daddy to a boy who liked to regress.
We had little things we’d incorporated, but it didn’t feel like much and I worried that it wasn’t enough. I picked up a stuffed monkey for Matty’s bed and we’d done a little bit of shopping for shirts that weren’t his usual style. Every night we made time for cuddles, and he had a blanket he’d claimed off my bed. But, really, that was all pretty mundane compared to what I’d imagined.
