“You can,” he reassured me. His hand shook when he reached out to place it on my arm. “It is scary, but if Brandon’s your Daddy, he wouldn’t think bad if you have things you want. He might even be madder if you don’t tell him.”
“But what if he only likes me calling him Daddy and doesn’t want the other stuff, too?”
“Does Brandon know you’re little, or does he think it’s just role playing and him giving you rules?”
“Um, mostly that last part.” My cheeks burned. Talking about this stuff wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I cleared my throat a few times. “I’m scared if he knew all of it, he wouldn’t like me anymore. I can’t lose him, Chase. We’ve been friends since we were little. Maybe it was stupid to think we could be a couple, too.”
“If you’ve been friends for that long, he might not be as clueless as you think.” He took a couple more bites of ice cream, scrunching his nose. “And he might not be grossed out if he knew. What are you scared about? How little are you?”
“Huh?” I’d done a bit of poking around online, but it was like he was talking in code. This was the type of thing I should know, wasn’t it?
“Do you want to come to my room, and I can show you my stuff?” It was a generous offer, but the way he tensed as soon as the words came out, it seemed like he might not mean them. Or he did, but he was worried, too.
“Only if you want me to see,” I said, trying to keep from sounding excited. Yes, I wanted to know more, and learning from a friend would be easier than from the internet, but it felt really personal, too.
“I do,” he insisted. He sat up straighter and let out a deep breath. He glanced at the sundae and scrunched his nose again. Yeah, my eyes might have been bigger than my stomach. “Are we really going to finish all this ice cream? I don’t want to waste it, but my tummy already hurts.”
It was cute hearing him call it his tummy. The weirdest thing happened, and I felt like the heaviness of being grown up fell away. Even if it was just when I was with Chase, I could be little, too. “Me too, and Da— Brandon won’t be happy if I’m too full for dinner.”
“You know, if it’s easier for you to call him Daddy, you can. I won’t care.”
“But you don’t call Jayden, Daddy,” I pointed out. “I thought maybe that is something you can only do when you’re with him.”
“That’s because Jayden isn’t my Daddy.” He sounded sad. I did what felt right and draped my arm over his shoulders, pulling him against my side. He leaned his head against me as we wandered back toward Talbert Hall.
“But you said… And I hear him at night. He tells you you’re a good boy when you get ready for bed and he reads you stories.”
Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say all of that.
“He’s my Jay,” Chase stated, shrugging like it wasn’t a huge deal to him. But it was, I could tell. And I wanted to be mad at Jayden for being stupid and not understanding what he was doing to Chase.
“Do you want him to be your Daddy?” Chase fidgeted with whatever he kept in his pocket. He did that a lot, especially when he was nervous. If he’d invited me back to his room to see his little stuff, I wanted to start small. I wanted to know what was in his pocket. “Can I see?”
He nodded. “When we get home, I’ll show you. My Jay got it for me to help me feel safe when he’s not there or when I’m scared.”
“Were you scared today?”
He nodded again.
“I’m sorry I made you scared, Chase. I didn’t mean to. Daddy says I have to think more about other people sometimes. I think he’s right.”
“You were excited to know someone like you. It’s okay. We won’t tell your Daddy or my Jay about me getting upset, okay? Some things can be just between us.”
“Thank you. I don’t want them mad at me.” I hunched my shoulders and crossed my arms. It surprised me when Chase stepped in front of me and pulled me into a hug. “Thanks. I needed that.”
“Anytime. Jay says cuddles make everything better. He’s smart so he’s probably right.” We sat on the low wall outside our residence hall so we could finish talking before we had to worry about anyone eavesdropping. “Are you going to talk to him?”
“Do you think I should?” I worried my lip between my teeth. My chest ached when I thought about what could happen if I tried talking to him and he was grossed out. He was pretty accepting of Chase, but he wasn’t sleeping with Chase, either. Chase looked at me and rolled his eyes. “I know, I’m being stupid. But this is major. You know that better than anyone.”
“I do, but if it’s really something that’s a piece of you, ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away.” For being the youngest and newest in our suite, Chase was pretty damn wise. “And it might not happen right away but denying who you are for someone else’s happiness is a great way to sabotage a relationship.”
“Speaking from experience?” It was strange that I knew intimate details about Chase’s life, and yet I knew next to nothing about his life before he moved into the suite.
Chase scoffed. “Personal experience? Heck no. I’ve always known I was different, and it would have been hard enough trying to find a vanilla boyfriend in my hometown. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t watch friends screw up their lives in high school by trying to be someone they weren’t.”
“What made you be honest with Jayden, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“He…well…” Chase’s cheeks brightened, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t exactly have to say anything to him. He… This shouldn’t be embarrassing, but he found my binkie in the laundry when he took the sheets that I was using home one weekend.”
