“I swear, if you’re drinking his coffee I’m going to kick you out of the room this afternoon,” Brandon warned him. Matt held a finger in front of his lips as he pushed the mug back toward me. “I’m serious, Matt. I’m not dealing with you bouncing off the walls when I’m trying to get work done.”
“Aww, you’re no fun,” Matt teased.
I sputtered coffee all over the counter when Brandon swatted Matt on the backside before demanding he get out of the kitchen. “Sorry about that. If we ever make you feel uncomfortable, let me know. He and I have been buddies since we were kids, so boundaries aren’t really a thing anymore.”
“No, it’s fine,” I insisted. Even if it wasn’t, I was the new guy and I wasn’t going to make any waves. Besides, maybe it was time for me to put myself out there and open up. If Matt and Brandon were so comfortable with each other, they wouldn’t have an issue with me, right? “Just so you know, I’m gay.”
“Cool.” That was it? Coming out to Brandon might have been the least climactic moment of my life.
“I just thought I’d let you know so you understand I won’t be upset by you and Matt showing affection,” I explained. “I didn’t say anything at first because I wasn’t sure how people would react. And that’s stupid, because part of why I came here is the school has a reputation of being accepting and affirming, but it’s something I’ll probably always worry about.”
“Breathe, Chase.” I did the exact opposite when I felt Jayden’s hands on my shoulders and heard his voice low in my ear. I hadn’t even seen him come out. “You never need to explain yourself to anyone unless you’re ready. Remember that.”
Was he talking about the conversation he’d walked in on or was this another subtle reassurance about what he’d found in my sheets this weekend?
“Yeah, what he said,” Brandon agreed as he eased past us to pull a stack of plates out of the cupboard. “Chase, can you set these out? Jay, why don’t you go pound on the doors to wake up the lazy asses.”
Jayden swiped my coffee and took a gulp, his eyes bugging out as he set it back on the counter. “Damn, you don’t like much coffee with your sugar, do you?”
“Right? It’s crazy sweet!” Matt exclaimed from the lounge area. If he kept teasing me, I was going to tell Brandon he’d swapped our mugs and I’d had to add more sugar to the one he’d left me with. He was insane, but I could see us getting to be friends if I made the effort to get out of the privacy of our room. “Kinda like him.”
“No teasing the new guy,” Jayden warned him. After filling his own mug, he followed me to the dining table. “You good?”
Nodding seemed a safer response than trying to figure out whether he was concerned about last night or Matt. While he woke our roommates, I slapped some eggs between two pieces of toast and ducked back into our room. I scribbled out a quick note letting Jayden know I’d catch up with him after class. I needed a bit of time to myself first.
* * *
By Wednesday afternoon,Jayden’s easy acceptance was killing me. He hadn’t asked about what he’d seen, and I hadn’t said anything because I didn’t know what Icouldsay that wouldn’t weird him out.
He was at his part time job this afternoon, and the rest of the guys were in classes, meaning I had just over an hour completely alone in the suite. Yes, I had privacy any time I shut the door and locked it, because everyone here was respectful of personal space, but the illogical part of my brain said someone might overhear something on my computer or hack into my system so they could spy on me.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when a search for Daddies and little boys pulled up a real-life club not more than a few miles from campus. It felt like someone had given me a winning lottery ticket on Christmas morning. I popped out of my seat, peeking my head out the door leading from our room into the rest of the suite to make sure I was really alone, then crossed the room to make sure our door was locked. I’d been stupid enough to not take precautions once, I wouldn’t do it again.
I pulled Pika and the binkie out of my bag, hugging the stuffie tight to my chest as I read the information. They had introduction nights for people who were interested in the lifestyle but didn’t know what to do. That would be awesome, but I couldn’t imagine going there without a Daddy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure how tofinda Daddy. It was a huge catch-22. Daddies hung out at the club, but I couldn’t go to the club unless I had a Daddy to push me into it.
I curled up in the bean bag chair under Jayden’s bed, too depressed to think about how I’d never get anywhere unless I found a way to be brave on my own. I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a Daddy who would accept me the way I was. He’d make sure I never had to hide my blankie when I took my naps, and he’d kiss me on the forehead to wake me up. He’d tell me I was his brave boy. He’d be…
“Hey, sleepyhead.” I startled at the sound of Jayden’s voice in my ear. He smoothed a hand over my back, softly soothing me. “You crashed pretty hard. Come on, let’s get ready for dinner. It’s our night to cook.”
Oh heck. I fell asleep in Jayden’s spot. And I had my blankie…
NO. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening.I scrambled around, trying to find the stupid pacifier. Why did I go for that whenever I was stressed out or confused?
“Shh, relax, Chase.” Jayden was sitting on the floor next to me. He reached up, popping the binkie back in my mouth as if it was no big deal. “This is your home. You don’t have to hide here.”
I tucked my chin against my chest, keeping my eyes hidden from him so he wouldn’t see me on the verge of tears.
“Look at me, buddy,” Jayden pleaded. He tentatively grazed a finger down my cheek and under my chin. When I shook my head, he tugged a bit more forcefully on my chin. “I know I said you don’t have to talk until you’re ready, but I don’t think that was the right thing to say.”
It was. It was the perfect solution because then I didn’t have to admit how similar this situation was to the one that had ruined everything for me last semester.
When Jayden moved my laptop so he could get closer to me, the screen came to life. My mortification was complete when he picked up the computer and started reading the homepage for The Lodge. “This is a great place. Have you been there?”
I shook my head again, sucking harder on the binkie.
“But you want to, don’t you?” He watched me, waiting for an answer. “You’ll feel better if you talk about this. I promise, you’re safe talking to me about anything, Chase.”
“I can’t,” I insisted, as Jayden scooped me into his arms before he settled into the bean bag. It felt so…nice, being in his lap. I twisted around so I could rest my head on his shoulder. Maybe I could talk to him. He wouldn’t judge me. He’d seen more of the real me than anyone else, and he was still here trying to comfort me.
