“In a way, it might be,” I suggested. “But that doesn’t make it any less valid. The question is, what are you going to do about it now that you know?”
“Drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to be the Daddy he wants.” Brandon hung his head, clasping his fingers behind his neck. “Fuck, I feel like an ass for teasing him when he started calling me that. I swear, I thought it was just him trying to get a rise out of me.”
“Again, with Matt, it might be.” We both laughed. There was little doubt in my mind that Brandon had a much different type of boy on his hands than I did. For every ounce of sweet that made up Chase, there was double the amount of mouthy brat in Matt. It was going to be fun seeing both of them come out of their shells.
19
Chase
“Babe, talk to me.”Jay climbed into my bed. I’d been hiding out in here since we got home from a disastrous trip to the mall. Daniel had asked if we wanted to go with them before everyone took off for spring break, and I’d let Jay convince me it wouldn’t be that bad.
I’d steered clear of Dainel’s roommate, Zach, since he’d walked in on Matt and I talking about the game we’d been playing on our phones and he’d decided to go on a rant about how only immature little punks played Pokémon. Matt saw how hurt I’d been, and he’d gotten me back to my room so he could explain to Jay what happened. But the damage was done. Since then, I’d kept mostly to our room or Matt’s room, only venturing to the common areas when I knew they weren’t home.
Today was supposed to be Zach’s way of apologizing to me but, based on the snickers I heard when he thought he was being quiet, nothing had changed. He still thought I was some pathetic loser. Jay and Daniel had both put him in his place, but they didn’t realize that only made things even worse. I could almost hear him the next time he caught me alone, telling me how weak I was because I needed my boyfriend to rescue me.
All I’d wanted to do was see if the pop culture store had a new vinyl figurine in stock. Well, and I hadn’t evenwantedto do that; I’d told Jay we could wait until some other time, but he knew from my complaining how quickly the limited-edition figures sold out and insisted we take a look. That had been a mistake. Not only did I walk out empty-handed, but there had been some sort of tension between Zach and Daniel after that.
No matter what anyone said, I didn’t believe that I hadn’t ruined the mood.
I pulled a pillow over my head. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, not even Jay. I wanted to sulk in peace and maybe take a nap before we had to go to his mom’s for dinner. Tonight was supposed to be a happy time, but if I didn’t adjust my attitude, I was going to be a downer there, too.
“Nope, that’s not going to work.” Jay curled himself around me, pulling me close so my back pressed against his chest. “You can’t let Zach get to you. He’s an ass, but I know he’d be upset if he knew his words actually hurt you.”
“Then maybe he should think before he speaks,” I grumbled. Now I was mad. I wasnotgoing to feel bad for him. He was the one who left me questioning myself. And that was stupid. I had a Daddy who loved me, friends who accepted me as I was, and even if my birth family didn’t understand me, I was quickly coming to accept Jay’s family as my own.Theyaccepted me and didn’t treat me like I was a freak for being happier when I was little. Sometimes, it felt like they gave me the strength to be myself.
“You’re right, he should,” Jay agreed. “But that’s not all that’s going on, is it?”
No, it wasn’t. “I don’t want to go home. I know I have to because campus housing is closed next week but I hate it. I want to stay with you at your mom’s house where I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”
My body shook and tears filled my eyes. My family was expecting me home, but with every hour closer we got to me having to say goodbye to Jay, the more I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. When I was with Jay, I felt alive. I didn’t have to hide my little side; I could embrace it.
Even when his mom was home, Ash never got locked in a box. But I wouldn’t have that freedom once Jay dropped me off at the bus stop tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t dare take anything that could give away my secrets while I was home. They had a hard enough time dealing with their gay son, they’d never wrap their narrow-minded heads around me being little. No, all of my gear would stay with Jay, and he’d already promised me we’d stay a couple of nights at his mom’s once classes resumed so I could have all the little time I needed to feel centered again.
“What if I come with you?” he offered. It wasn’t the first time, but unlike every other time he’d made the suggestion, this afternoon I didn’t immediately shoot him down.
He’d taken me home with him every weekend. Maybe I could tell my family I wanted them to meet him since his family had helped me get through this semester. Or maybe I could be brave and admit to them that he was the center of my world and I couldn’t imagine hiding him away from them, even if that meant they told us to get out of their house so I didn’t infect my siblings with the gay.
“If you truly don’t want to see your family, you know my mom wouldn’t have any problem with both of us staying there.” Of course, she wouldn’t; Gen was the type of mom every gay kid wished they had. Every weekend, there were more of my favorite treats in the cupboards, and she always made sure meals were little-friendly without fanfare. I felt totally normal when I was with Jay and his mom. “But I know you miss your siblings. So, if you want to see them, we’ll go together.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” I protested. “Your mom was counting on you being there to help her finish the landscaping out front.”
“And she’ll understand if you need me there with you,” he insisted. “She loves you almost as much as I do, babe. She’d be more upset if I stayed home to help her when you need me, than if we have to wait on digging up the last couple of flower beds.”
“I want to say yes, but I don’t want you infected with their brand of crazy,” I admitted. Even when I still lived at home, I was always cautious about bringing anyone into the circus. I truly believed my parents had good hearts, but they really needed someone to go back in time and have a discussion with them about birth control. They had no business having seven kids, and with every addition to the house, I was pushed a little further to the side. And now, they honestly thought the little bits I’d admitted to them about last semester were a cry for attention because they’d neglected me.
“If you want to say yes, then I’ll pack a bag and go with you.”
“They’re going to freak about us sharing a room if I tell them we’re dating.”
“Okay, so then we either don’t tell them and I’ll sleep on the floor in your room, or we tell them and I’ll sleep on the couch,” Jay said as if it was a no-brainer. Both of those solutions sounded like torture. I’d almost rather he be comfortable at home than close enough to touch but off-limits. He held me even tighter. “You should know by now I’d do just about anything if it makes you feel safe.”
“But why?” The past few months had been a fantasy come to life, and a small part of me worried Jay would realize he was better off without me once we were apart. If I admitted that and it was true, then maybe it was for the best that we go through this short test before summer came.
Jayden kissed the back of my neck. His hand slipped under the hem of my t-shirt, but the touch was anything but sensual. This was him trying to get as close to me as possible. “Because I love you. Believe me, I’m pretty sure no one’s more surprised about that than me. When I came back to school after winter break, I was looking forward to having the room to myself. I was pissed when you came waltzing in like you belonged here. I didn’twantto like you, much less find you irresistible. But, without even realizing it, you broke down all the walls I had up. You made me realize there was more to life than studying. Now, I hate the idea of being away from you when you might need me. And maybe that makes me the asshole, because I should want you to see how strong and independent you are, but I love that you need me sometimes.”
“All the time,” I corrected him as I flipped over to face him. “There’s never a time when I don’t need you, but I do know I’d survive without you for a week. The problem is, I don’twantto. I want to have the type of family where I could take you home without having to worry about what my parents might say about you, or that they’d treat you like the deviant who corrupted their son.”
Of all the reactions I anticipated through this conversation, Jay laughing his butt off wasn’t anywhere on the list. I gave his shoulder a playful shove, scooting as far as I could before my butt hit the wall. “What’s so funny?”
