“May I be excused?” I asked when my plate was clean. It was a habit I’d picked up when we were at Gen’s house on the weekends. Jay’s mom was super cool about me being little and she went out of her way to pretend it was totally normal. Brandon shot me a quick glance then went overboard pretending like he wasn’t listening to our interaction. Matty, on the other hand, kept glancing at each of us, his expression turning sad when he looked to Brandon. I reached out, giving his hand a quick squeeze, hoping he knew it would all be okay.
“Yes. Take your plate to the kitchen and rinse off all that extra ketchup. Next time, maybe don’t waste so much of it, okay?”
“Sorry,” I apologized as I pushed back from the table. Remembering my manners, I halted, turning back. “Thank you for dinner, Brandon. It was yummy.”
“You’re welcome, buddy.” He and Matt had both picked up on the nickname Jay used for me. He rarely called me by my name anymore. I was his buddy when we were in mixed company. Those who were still in the dark thought it was just one of those names people threw out without thought. Jay had asked me last week if I was okay with Matt and Brandon using it. I’d thought about it for a few seconds, then decided I was definitely cool because they knew my secret. “Head into the bedroom and work on your homework. I know damn well you have at least one assignment due.”
“I do,” I grumbled. I was lucky he was still letting me play tonight. Since he’d found out about me waking up early to do my school work, he’d been strict about checking my assignments against the notebook I kept, and he didn’t let me out of his arms at night until the alarm buzzed on his nightstand.
Jay reached out and captured my arm to pull me close as I passed him. He pulled me onto his lap and pressed his face to my chest. He crooked a finger, urging my head closer to his. After kissing his way up my neck, he whispered, “I’m very proud of you, baby. You’re a good friend.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” There wasn’t much in the world that felt better than hearing him say he was proud of me. Being naughty was fun but being good was so much better. If I was brave tonight, maybe I could convince him to have sex again when we got home. That didn’t have to be something we saved for the weekends.
18
Jayden
“Doyou have my blankie in case I need it?” Chase was wound tight. His words said he was excited about showing Matt the playroom, but I knew him well enough at this point to know he was nervous about going back there. He was comfortable being little behind closed doors, but it was much different to take it into a public arena.
“Yes, and your Evie and Pika. I have everything you might want,” I repeated, trying to keep my tone level.
“But I don’t have to be little if I decide I’m not ready?” We’d compromised with him wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a striped tee. It wasn’t little, per se, but it wasn’t something he typically wore, either. And I hadn’t missed the way he eyed my backpack while I’d been getting him dressed. We both knew there were a couple of diapers in there just in case he felt like he wanted them during the week. And yeah, I’d considered suggesting he wear one tonight, but I hadn’t wanted to push him that far out of his comfort zone.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, buddy,” I reassured him. Again. “You know I’ll never push you further than I think you can handle.”
He snatched his binkie off the mattress and shoved it into his mouth. I wasn’t sure if he was sucking on it or biting it. Something had been off since I walked into the room, but I wasn’t sure how to bring up the tension between us. It felt different than it had at the start of our relationship when he was insecure about being little around me. He muttered something; the words garbled by the pacifier. I stopped, replaying the statement in my mind to try and decipher it.
He couldn’t have said what my brain translated it as, could he? I spun around, leaning against the side of my bed, trying to come across as unaffected. “Care to repeat that without the binkie?”
Chase swallowed hard and shook his head. He clutched his bedtime blankie between his hands, scooting to the back of his mattress so he could sit with his back against the wall.
Oh hell no. That shit wasn’t going to fly. I didn’t care if he was little or big, I wasn’t going to let him get away with making sarcastic comments, and the fact he was so nervous once he realized I’d heard him told me I wasn’t going to like whatever it was. “Let me rephrase that. What did you say, Chase?”
I crossed the room in two steps and pulled the pacifier from his mouth. He immediately started chewing on the corner of his thumb. Something felt very off, but I couldn’t figure out what.
“I don’t want to ruin tonight,” he explained, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Let’s go have fun with our friends and we can talk about it later.”
“Or we can talk about it now, that way whatever you’re upset about isn’t pulling both of us down,” I countered. There was no way he’d be able to let go and play if he was worried about what would happen after. He worried far less than he did when he first moved in, but he still let shit get to him. The upside was, at least now he was willing to talk shit out, and more likely to speak his mind.
I hopped onto Chase’s bed and draped an arm over his shoulders. “What happened between dinner and now, buddy? If you don’t tell me, I can’t fix it.”
“But if Idotell you, it might ruin everything.” As he snuggled into my side, he tucked his chin to his chest, compacting his body even more.
“The only thing that could hurt us is not talking.” It was something William had drilled into me long before I ever approached him about the kinky stuff. When we sat down for a little education—pun intended—he repeated it so many times I wanted to roll my eyes. But he had a point. And both of us had forgotten that advice recently. “We’re not leaving this room until you tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Why won’t you have sex with me again?” Chase blurted out. “Was it that bad?”
His voice cracked and I held him tighter. “Oh, baby, no. How could you think it wasn’t good? Did you not enjoy it?”
Chase lifted his gaze. His mouth gaped open. “Of course, I did. I mean, it hurt but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a good time.”
“Then why would you think it was bad?”
“Because every time I’ve tried starting something, you’ve stopped me. Sometimes, it feels like you enjoy me being little but don’t want to be my boyfriend.” That admission was like a knife to the heart. It was hard to breathe. I kissed the top of his head.
I pulled Chase onto my lap so that he straddled my legs. He was rigid, leaning back slightly. That wasn’t going to work for me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close enough I could bury my face against his chest.
When I woke up the morning after our first time, Iwasupset. I thought about how I could tell him it made me uncomfortable when he’d suggested going bare, but every time I played out the scenario in my mind, it went horribly wrong. Then, he woke up and I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to devote the day to letting him have some free time in his little space. After that, it was back to school and the mountains of homework, and there hadn’t been a good time.
