“Ahhh, not ready to crack open that closet door?”
“I have, he hasn’t. And when he’s ready for that, it’s going to raise all sorts of issues.” Until then, I had to suffer through DeeDee grilling Trevor about why he wasn’t dating anyone. The moms were dying to be grandmas as soon as we graduated college and our lives settled down. That meant they’d want us to date because, if you didn’t put yourself out there, you’d never find your perfect match. If only they realized we’d already met.
“Do the ’rents not like the guy you’re seeing?” Jayden pressed. Shit. I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut. Jayden was from a super chill family who accepted him as he was. From what he’d said, they were chill about pretty much everything, which was why he couldn’t fully comprehend my hesitation.
“Could we not talk about this?” I pleaded. I was dangerously close to blurting out every reason coming out and telling everyone we were together was a bad move. I couldn’t betray Trevor’s trust that way.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve,” he apologized. By the time the rest of the crew showed up, everything had been forgotten. I sat back and listened while everyone chatted about their plans for break. A little past eight-thirty, Trevor texted to let me know he was on his way back to the dorm. I replied letting him know I was still at Port Java, inviting him to come down. Just like every other time I invited him to join us, he declined, telling me he was going to head back to the room and study for a bit, quickly sending another text telling me to get home as quickly as I could because he missed me. That was sweet.
That was another aspect of our relationship that’d changed; we were both working to make sure the other knew what we were feeling, even when it seemed needy or clingy. Especially then. Full disclosure was what Trevor had called it when he’d suggested it. If nothing else, it served as a reminder of our place in each other’s lives.
As much as I was enjoying the evening, I decided to turn in early. Trevor had been tweaking hard about finals, so I figured my time would be better spent helping him relax.
I took a few steadying breaths on the walk back to Hewlett, promising myself we’d find a way to steal some time during break. Despite the bumps along the way, we’d managed to successfully navigate our first semester of school together.
* * *
The drive homeafter Trevor’s last final was somber. Neither of us knew how to handle the time spent with our families. We’d always been close to them, but now, I think both of us wished it were possible to stay in Wilmington and drive home for Christmas Day. But it wasn’t. Even if the moms wouldn’t have flipped about such a suggestion, the residence halls were closed until a few days before the spring semester started.
“We’ll figure something out.” Trevor reached over to rest his hand on my knee. His reassuring me was a drastic change from the end of summer, when I’d been the one telling him everything would be okay. “And it’s not like we won’t get to see each other.”
“Yeah, but now it’s going to be even worse than before because I’m going to have to remember to keep my hands to myself.”
“Iampretty irresistible.” Trevor exuded confidence he hadn’t held before college. It was sexy and amusing all at the same time. I still wasn’t used to him whipping out the sarcasm with perfect comedic timing.
Break wasn’t the only issue on my mind. It was beginning to bug me that the closer we became, the more segmented our lives felt. There was the time we were together, but then he had his life and I had mine. He was spending time with his friends while I did my own thing. Not once in the past few months had either of us gone out with the other’s friends. That was something couples were supposed to do. New Year’s resolution number one: figure out how to suggest we blend our lives a bit so we at least knew who the other was hanging out with.
“I’m serious, Trev.” I gripped the wheel tighter, wondering if I was making a mistake by bringing this up to him. “I’m trying so hard to respect your need for privacy, but what happens if I forget where we’re at and hug you?”
“They’ll think I’m a good influence,” he quipped. “I’ve always been a hugger, so they’ll assume you’ve picked up the habit from living with me.”
“And if it’s not just a hug? What if I space out and kiss you or want to hold your hand? What if I say the wrong thing and they figure out what’s going on?” Worrying used to be his thing, but now that I knew exactly what I stood to lose if I fucked up and he left, I was nearly paralyzed with fear. “I don’t like walking around on eggshells, but I’m freaking out that I’m going to mess up, piss you off, and upset the parents.”
“You won’t.”
“Won’t what?”
“Any of it. Okay, so yes, there’s a chance you’ll slip up, but it’s just as likely I’ll be the one who lets his guard down.” I wasn’t so sure that was the case, but I wasn’t going to argue the point. “And okay, so it might upset your parents and mine, but I promise I’m not going to be angry with you for doing something we’ve both gotten used to doing without thinking.”
“It’s still an awfully big risk,” I argued.
“One we’ve taken before,” he reminded me.
“But that was when we hadn’t gotten as close as we are now.”
“Except every weekend when we’ve been home.” Okay, valid point. Traffic slowed as we got closer to the city. I tapped a beat against the steering wheel, my patience with stupid drivers wearing thin. “Think of this as a really long weekend. And I’ve been thinking about it; just because we’re home through the beginning of the year doesn’t mean our parents will be. We’ve always hung out during school breaks. It’d be weirder if we didn’t now. That would be the biggest red flag of all.”
“But we both know damn well you’re not going to be comfortable doing anything at either of our houses.” That was why we’d never gone beyond a few stolen kisses and over-the-clothes petting. Trevor was one of the most honorable men I knew, and he would never cross that line in our parents’ space.
“No, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find time to get away. Who knows, maybe we can even do something out of town. It wouldn’t be the first time we talked about taking a road trip.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t going to break it to him that DeeDee would have a coronary if he suggested leaving the nest before we were allowed to move back into the residence hall on the third of January.
“Promise me you won’t obsess about this?”
“Nope. Not going to make a promise I know there’s no chance of me keeping.” If nothing else, I figured that answer would give me some points for honesty. “But if you’re serious about getting out of town for part of break, we’ll see if we can figure out something.”
“Thank you.” He let out a sigh like I’d offered him a lifeline.
I pulled off the highway at the exit for home. This was the first time I felt a pit in my stomach at the thought of pulling up in front of the house.
