10
Gabe
Life was so much lessstressful once I wasn’t sitting in our room obsessing about how much time Trevor and I were spending apart. Now that I was seeking out people with common interests to mine, it was like the pressure had been released. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I was the one crushing the possibility for our relationship to succeed because I staked all my happiness on whether or not Trevor was around.
Thanksgiving hadn’t been easy. Sitting across the table from him, unable to tell the family what I was truly thankful for this year sucked. Saying goodnight to him before he went home with his parents was nearly unbearable. We texted every night until the responses came slower and we said goodnight. In the morning, I reached for my phone, wishing we were together. I wanted to wake up to the sight of him reading in the bed next to me, his fingers absently carding through my hair. But we’d made it through, and Sunday night, we’d detoured off the interstate in the middle of nowhere to make out. I smiled at the memory, telling myself that had been practice for the upcoming winter break. There was no way we’d get through almost a month with only supervised contact, but I knew we’d have to find a way because Trevor wouldn’t do anything to raise suspicion with his family.
“Do you have any clue how expressive your face is?” Seth’s observation pulled me out of my thoughts. We were at Port Java, waiting for the rest of the LGBTQ Alliance to show up. With finals starting in a few days, this would be the last time we’d all be together until January, and the last time we’d likely see a couple of graduating seniors. As much as I’d resisted getting out of the dorm, these people were now my friends. I was going to miss them, too, when we were home.
“And what’s my face telling you right now?” I quipped.
“First, that you were thinking about something special. I’d put money on it having to do with Trevor. But then it was like you were punched in the gut. You literally looked like you were in physical pain.”
I kind of was, which was weird. My chest ached every time I considered what the upcoming distance was going to do to our relationship. The toll that would be taken by not being able to be honest with our families. The hiding. The lies. Pretending like life was peachy when it was bittersweet. “If you’d like to talk about it, my door is always open.”
“Thanks for that, man, but I was thinking about break and how much it’s gonna suck not being with Trevor for almost a month.”
“I thought you guys were from the same town?” I’d been purposely vague when sharing details of my relationship with Trevor. My friends knew we went to school together and lived in the same town, but I’d downplayed the connection between our families. That was getting dangerously close to the truth, and I’d promised Trevor certain details would stay between us until he was ready.
“Yeah, but it won’t be the same,” I said, wishing I could explain the torture I was about to experience.
“I take it your parents aren’t cool with you being gay, either?”
“No, that’s not it. My parents have known about me for a while,” I admitted.
“Then why can’t you come clean, tell them you’re seeing Trevor?” He suggested. If only it were that simple. “They’ll probably take it better if they see you’re happy, and anyone who sees the two of you together has to admit you’re totally in love with one another.”
“Believe me, that’s not how it would go down.” There would be tears, but they wouldn’t be happy ones. The moms would try to dissect where they’d gone wrong, if they shouldn’t have encouraged us to orbit around one another for nearly two decades.
“Remember what we were talking about last month in the group. Most of the time, the buildup in your mind is light-years worse than reality.”
“You telling me you’ve realized it’ll be easy for you to come out?” I quirked an eyebrow expectantly. It was dirty pool to turn the conversation around on him like that when I knew there was no way he could tell his family he was gay until he had a plan in place. Unlike my parents, whose acceptance of me made it possible they’d eventually be okay with who I loved, his family was very outspoken on their beliefs. They had no problem telling anyone who would listen that homosexuals were ruining the sanctity of the nuclear family. That’d made for a pleasant conversation the week they’d come down to visit Seth for his birthday.
“Eventually, I’ll have to,” he said somberly. I was a complete dick. I knew he struggled with wanting to keep his family and being true to himself. He’d blossomed over the course of the semester and it was cool to see the person he was growing into.
“Hey, guys, what’s so heavy over here?” Jayden, one of the graduating seniors, flipped a chair around and sat at our table. One of the baristas came over to see if Jayden needed anything to drink. The two of them had grown closer over the past month since we’d started hanging out here. Maybe close was the wrong word, but there was definitely a spark of something there.
“Talking about the theory of coming out versus the reality,” Seth stated, as if discussing possible thesis topics. It wasn’t much of a stretch to imagine him choosing something along those lines for a term paper at some point. The more comfortable he became with his sexuality, the more determined he was to do something good for kids like him.
“And what have you decided?” Jayden asked. The barista stopped back with his coffee, and they exchanged a few quiet words before he turned his attention back to us. “Sorry about that.”
“No worries.” I sipped my coffee, wondering if they were dating. I wouldn’t trade what I had with Trevor for anything, but occasionally, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to feel the butterflies when you met someone you felt a connection to. I wouldn’t say Trevor and I were a foregone conclusion, not by a long shot, but more of a natural progression. Best friends to pre-pubescent crushes (even if we never admitted it to one another), high school sweethearts no one knew about, and now college lovers. There wasn’t a time when he was someone new to me.
“You’re doing it again.”
“Huh?”
“You have your thinking face,” Seth told me. “At least, I hope it’s a thinking face, because it’s either that or you’re constipated.”
“Eww, gross,” Jayden chimed in. “Everything okay with you, Gabe?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Like I was telling Seth, I’m just sulking about break.”
“Why? Everyone’s ready to get the hell out of here.” He thought for a moment. “Well, except me. I’m still trying to figure out a way to stay in town.”
Jayden glanced at the barista. Maybe things were more serious than I’d realized if he was considering staying in town after graduation. The last I knew, he’d been talking about heading west, wanting to see the world before he admitted he was an adult and got a real job. I was excited about the thought of him hanging around.
“He’s worried about missing his guy while they’re home.” True to his word, Seth hadn’t told anyone who I was dating. He didn’t see the big deal but respected our wishes. I only wished it wasn’t necessary. Shit. Adulting sucked when it meant hiding news you wanted to share with the world.
