8
Gabe
Trevor grew withdrawnin the weeks following the great mom visit. Staying in Wilmington on the weekends wasn’t an option, lest they start piecing together what had kept us there that one weekend. And even when we were at school during the week, he buried himself in his projects, always having an excuse when I invited him to chill with me for a movie.
I made it until early November before I snapped and called him out on it. It was my short day, which meant I’d had hours alone in our room to rehearse what I wanted to say to him. It wasn’t cool that he’d told me he loved me and then pulled away. I never thought of myself as the clingy boyfriend, but I was desperately trying to hold onto what I thought we had.
Knowing confronting him the minute he walked through the door wasn’t the approach that’d get me the results I wanted, I snatched my keys off the rack and made a run to the market about an hour before he got home from class. I picked up all his favorite junk foods, the crap we always bought when we were going fishing for the weekend when we were in high school. I wanted to remind him of simpler times, prove to him he was making this thing between us more complicated than it needed to be. By the time he got home, I had everything laid out in the commons area on the old sleeping bag Mom had sent home last weekend in case I got cold. The only person home tonight was Seth, and when I’d warned him I was taking over the room with a real TV, he’d promised to steer clear.
“What’s all this?” Trevor asked, already starting to pull books and binders out of his backpack.
“I thought we could have a mini date night,” I told him, feeling heat rise in my cheeks. Maybe this was a stupid idea. I rushed to explain myself before he could reject me. “I know you’re buried in shit for school, but I miss spending time with you. I missus, Trev.”
“I’m right here. I’m sorry I can’t blow off my classes to make out, but you knew this would happen eventually.” Trevor crossed his arms tightly over his chest, backing away from me. When I reached out for him, he shook his head. Tonight was going sideways in a hurry.
“I know. I’m not trying to say you’re to blame for anything, only that I miss the time we used to spend together.” Before our moms came and spooked you, was left unsaid. This had seemed like a foolproof plan earlier, but he was defensive and I worried we’d be in a full-on spat before long.
I walked slowly across the room, not wanting him to feel cornered or smothered, and placed a hand on his hip. “I know this semester’s nuts for you. That’s why I figured we could chill for a little while, maybe I could give you a massage because your neck’s gotta be killing you, and then you can get your work done. I’m trying to help us find a balance here, Trev.”
“I know. And I’m sorry if you think I’m ignoring you.”
“It’s not about that,” I lied. I did feel cast aside, but I held out this long by reminding myself I knew how Trevor’s mind worked and how frustrated he was about everything he had going on. Still, it stung to hear him talking about all his new friends in his study groups while I spent most of my time sitting alone in this fucking room.
Hell, I’d gotten so bored at one point I’d knocked on Seth’s door and asked if he wanted to hang out for a bit one night when Trev wasn’t coming home until late. As it turned out, Seth was a pretty cool kid. He was just having a hard time acclimating to his newfound freedom. If I thought DeeDee was a helicopter mom, hovering over Trevor to make sure he didn’t get hurt, Seth’s parents sounded more like hot air balloon parents. Not the type who soared freely around the countryside in the early morning hours, but the kind at the fair, tethered to a leash that’d only allow them to drift so far in any direction.
I pulled Trevor down onto the sleeping bag and ripped open a bag of his favorite chips. Just the smell of the salt and vinegar made me want to hurl, but today, it was a scent I associated with Trevor, a reminder that I hadn’t lost him, no matter what my insecurities said. Speaking of insecurity…. “Trev, can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” He positioned himself between my legs and relaxed against my chest. I started rubbing his arms, noticing how tense he was. I kneaded harder, loving the way he moaned as the tension fled his body, hoping it wouldn’t return once the conversation turned heavy.
“Do you wish we’d taken time to get to know other people before jumping into this relationship?”
“No. Why would you even think that?” He sounded genuinely offended. His voice was much smaller when he asked the next question. “Do you want that?”
“Not at all, but you’re hanging out more with your other friends, so I wasn’t sure.”
“Babe, those aren’t so much my friends as they are study partners. I’d love it if I had an easy course load and could be here with you, but that’s not always possible.” He sat up and I missed his heat, the cold feeling like he was pulling away in more ways than physically.
I yanked him back, unwilling to let him escape until we resolved this issue. He wiggled when I tightened my arms around his chest, but eventually settled. “Would it be totally selfish of me to ask that we figure out a time when we could be together and have that be our time?”
“I’d like that,” he responded, starting to relax again. “There may be times when I have to ask to reschedule, but I think it’d do both of us a lot of good to make a concerted effort here. The further we get into our studies, the harder everything’s going to be, and I don’t want to lose you. Not over something stupid like this.”
“I like the sounds of that. And you swear you’re not trying to find a way to let me down easy? You’ve been acting funny ever since your mom came down to visit.” I buried my face against Trevor’s neck, soaking up the smell of him. Yes, I even missed that.
“I’ll admit it messed with my head,” he told me, opening a can of Pringles and handing them to me as I surfed through the TV listings to find something short we could watch together before I sent him into the other room to work on the paper he’d been freaking out about. “When they came up to see the room, my mom kept looking at the beds. It was like she somehow knew the loft hadn’t been slept in. I’m probably being stupid, but I’ll try to do better.”
“You’re not stupid,” I assured him. “I know how much you hate not being honest with people, and your parents aren’t just anyone. It’s gotta be eating you alive.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should be punished for it.”
I didn’t see it as punishment, exactly, but we were in a good place, so I let it drop. Finding an episode ofMythbusters, I set down the remote and leaned back against the couch so I could properly snuggle with Trevor. It felt like such an unmanly thing to do, but I loved it. I loved feeling him in my arms, which was probably why I never felt pressure to ask if he was ready to take that final leap.
No, we still hadn’t had anal sex. Ass play, sure, but there was something about penetrating him that made me nervous. I’d never done it before, so I worried that even with the abundant research he’d done on how to make it less painful, I’d hurt him. Then there was the standard fear that I’d love it so much I’d come before I fully entered him. No one wanted to be known as a one-stroke wonder. He deserved more.
A while later, I woke to Trevor straddling me, wiping away a string of drool from the corner of my mouth. Not my sexiest moment. “This has really been bugging you, huh?”
“A bit.” The truth was, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a good night of sleep. Every night, I held Trevor until he crashed, then watched him, wondering if he was right and we were going to fuck up nineteen years of friendship, all because we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. Eventually, I’d pass out, but then he’d wake up and I’d pretend to sleep while I watched him get ready for the day. After he left, I buried my face in his pillow, wishing anything about college was like the fantasies I’d built up for the past year.
“Weren’t you the one who said we needed to talk when we got into our own heads?” he reminded me, standing before extending a hand to help me off the ground. When we were chest to chest, he pulled me into a tight hug, breathing against my neck. “I know things are different than how you expected, but we’ll get through this. We always do.”
