Dax
Ididn’t see Michael again until Friday morning. I had, however, seen plenty of Bonnie and Doug. They’d brought Jagger to school on Thursday and picked him up after, saying that Michael had been called in to work early. I texted him, a bit upset that he hadn’t told me himself that he wasn’t going to be there, but didn’t get a reply.
I sent another text at almost eight o’clock, which also went unanswered. By the time I’d given up and gone to bed it was shortly after midnight and I had myself convinced he was regretting what we’d done. It was the only explanation for his silence.
I woke up Friday to a blank screen on my phone. Apparently, I’d forgotten to plug the damn thing in. It was good that my window faced east and I hadn’t bothered getting blinds yet, otherwise I wouldn’t have had the blinding sun to act as my alarm clock.
My mood was beyond grumpy by the time I walked into my classroom. And made worse by Justin poking his head in to ask if I’d had a good night. He’d made the same ribbing comments Thursday, but then I hadn’t been getting the silent treatment after the best sex ever, so I’d teased him about how I’d never kiss and tell and he’d run off grumbling about how unfair it was that Michael found me first. Friday, all I could do was glare at him. He quickly realized I wasn’t in the mood to talk and backed out of the room slowly.
Most of my students were already sitting at their tables or playing at the imagination station by the time Michael sauntered into the room as if nothing was amiss. Prick. I had no doubt he’d timed that perfectly so I couldn’t confront him about his silence.
“Hey Jagger,” I greeted him while studiously avoiding his father. “You ready for a day of hard work? We have some stuff to get done this morning, but I’ve got some cool stuff up my sleeve this afternoon.”
I led him into the room without making eye contact with Michael. Jagger turned back and ran into his father’s arms, but I refused to allow myself to watch them say goodbye. No way in hell was I going to let him see the hurt and anger in my eyes. I knew going in that this was a good possibility, and still did it anyway. Now, I’d have to live with the fallout, even if that meant losing one of the only people I’d really connected to in this damn town.
The bell rang and I couldn’t help the quick glance toward the door, where unsurprisingly, Michael was watching me through the window. Right then, I hated the district’s policy to allow kindergarten parents to escort their children to the classrooms. He couldn’t linger there all day, but no one would kick him out. So he got a free pass to make me uncomfortable. But he didn’t. The moment he realized I knew he was watching me, he disappeared, leaving everything between us unresolved.
Justin cornered me in the lunchroom. “Come on, we’re eating out in my car,” he informed me. Being alone with him right now was near the bottom of the list of things I wanted to do. I’d been hoping to hide out in my room with the door closed so no one realized I was in there. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with people.
“Thanks for the offer, but I’m not up for you telling me how great Michael is and how I need to go easy on him.” At least that’s what I’d tell him if the roles were reversed. Because even though I was pissed at him, I still couldn’t bring myself to hate him. I just wished he would’ve stopped me before we fooled around, because then I wouldn’t have exaggerated the connection between us in my mind.
“Oh, you don’t know me very well if you think that’s what I’m about to say,” Justin scoffed. He clasped his hand around my elbow and pulled me into the hall. We walked to the lounge and retrieved our lunches out of the fridge and I followed him. He didn’t say anything else until we were in his car and he’d turned it on so the air-conditioning could combat the stifling heat from the sun beating on his windshield all morning. I knew it’d be cold before any of us were ready for it and I’d hate that just as much, but I was welcoming the bitter winter if it meant I wasn’t a sweaty, sticky mess the moment I walked outside.
“Look, you’re absolutely right about Michael being a good guy,” Justin offered between bites of his sandwich. “But going easy on him is the last thing he needs. His whole life, that’s exactly what people have done. And he knows it. Right now, I don’t think he’s doing to you what he did to the rest of us. Everything is changing, and Michael Underwood doesn’t deal well with change. Honestly, he probably doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. What he needs from you right now is for you to show him that he doesn’t have to sort this out on his own.”
“Okay,” I said, not sure what else there was to say. I’d figured all of this out, but that didn’t mean I was ready to be the one to chase after him. Justin might be right, but there was just as much likelihood that my thinking was correct and Michael had decided that fucking a guy wasn’t all he’d thought it would be. And God, it sucked reducing what we’d shared to that level, but I knew we both felt the connection outside of the bedroom.
I didn’t want to spill the details about anything we’d done to Justin, but I was at a stalemate trying to figure it out on my own. And he was the perfect sounding board, because he knew Michael’s issues as well as what it was like to be a gay man around here. I only knew what Michael had told me, and all of my assumptions about whether or not we’d be accepted were just that.
“I just…” I began, then stopped long enough to figure out what I wanted to say before opening my mouth again. I leaned against the door and turned to face Justin. “It’s like this…when I first met him, I couldn’t stand him. I thought he was some irresponsible asshole who had no place being in charge of keeping Jagger safe. But then, I got to know him and I realized he was an all right guy. That quickly grew into me crushing on him, which feels stupid for someone my age to say, but it’s the truth. I saw what was underneath the image he tried to show the world, and I liked him.”
“But you thought he was straight,” Justin added when I paused again.
“Yeah, which I think is a pretty fair assumption given the whole kid and dead wife thing.”
“True,” Justin agreed. “Hell, I’ve known him most of my life and I had zero clue he might be anything other than straight. So, if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to change all of that? Did he catch you looking at him funny or something?”
I blanched. “God no,” I protested. “Believe me, I learned long ago what happens when you crush on straight friends and they figure it out. You wind up losing a friend and think your life is over, so you go out and do something stupid. No, it was nothing that simple. We got talking one night and he brought up how he felt bad monopolizing my time. He figured if it wasn’t for him and Jagger, I’d have been out trying to hook up with girls, maybe even find someone to settle down with around here.”
“Man, this is like a Lifetime movie.” Justin chuckled. “Or, at least it would be if they weren’t all about tortured straight people. So, that’s when you blurted it out?”
I really didn’t want to talk to Justin about this. Maybe I should shut up and then I could call Matt when I got home. He’d been good at listening to me bitch and whine when I got into these moods. Yeah, that sounded like a much better idea. Unfortunately, it’d be rude to jump out of the car and tell Justin I couldn’t talk to him about this. Wouldn’t it? Shit.
“Look, without going into details I’m not comfortable sharing, let’s just say that I didn’t have some embarrassing moment where I bared my soul to him.” I crumpled the paper bag from my lunch and shoved it into my pocket so I wouldn’t forget it in Justin’s car. “I did tell him I wasn’t looking for anyone with wife potential because I wasn’t into women. And then I got up to leave.”
One of the playground monitors blew the whistle to signal it was time for the kids to start lining up to head inside. I could’ve kissed her for that perfect timing.
Justin stopped me as I reached for the door handle. “We can talk more later if you want, but remember what I told you. I don’t know what all’s been going on with the two of you, but I saw him when he left here this morning. His problem is that he doesn’t know how to act around you. It’s up to you to lead the way.”
“Thanks, Justin.” And I meant it. The talk wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be, and it had made me realize this wasn’t a new reaction for Michael. It was his way of coping with emotions he wasn’t ready to face.
Michael was waiting at the door when the final bell rang. He stared at me, waiting to see if I was going to be the one to make a move. For the past few weeks, I’d loved his almost unnaturally light brown eyes. He was the first person I’d met who made me understand the phrase about a person’s eyes being the windows to their soul. No matter what came out of his mouth, his desires shone through his gaze.
“Hey, go on in. I’ll be back.” As I lined up the kids and walked with them to the door, I wondered what I was doing. Even if Justin was right, that I shouldn’t let him push me away if he was what I wanted, I was making it too easy for him. What I needed was to go in there, tell him to get Jagger and go home, and that wewouldbe talking about what happened. On my terms. When I decided I was ready to hear him out.
That wasn’t at all what happened when I got back into the room. Jagger played in the corner and Michael was resting against the edge of my desk, his long legs stretched out in front of him. My chest ached with the desire for this to be our normal. But that wasn’t going to happen unless we got past this first non-fight.
“I’m pissed at you,” I told him as I walked past him to my desk. His fingers brushed against my arm and I jerked away. “Don’t. Not here.”
