“Whatever it is, you know I’ll never love you any less,” she promised me. Those words allowed me to steady myself. I knew them to be true.
“I think I’m falling for him.” The words were out, but I felt as if someone else had said them. Even now, I didn’t really think of myself as gay. Other guys did nothing for me, but I couldn’t deny the fact that Dax was so far under my skin I’d never get him out.
Mom sat stoically in her chair, rocking gently as she processed my blunt admission. I wanted to shake her and force her to speak, but she didn’t say a word. She just watched me. Waited for me to explain myself. The corner of her mouth twitched, as if she couldn’t decide whether to offer me that reassuring smile or break into devastated tears.
“I can’t really explain it, but I can’t stop thinking about him.” She opened her mouth and I held up a hand to stop her. I needed to get this out now that I’d started. “At first, I thought it was just that I was so grateful to him for everything he’s done for us, but it’s not that. I know it’s not. And I’m scared to death.”
“Honey, you’re just scared because you’ve closed yourself off from everyone,” she suggested. It might have been part of my fear, but certainly not all of it. “You’re right that it wasn’t what I expected to hear, but it’s going to be okay. We raised you to believe that you are your own person, and that includes this. I would rather you love a man and be honest about your feelings than lie in an effort to protect yourself.”
“But it’s not just me,” I whined. “I have to look at how this will affect Jagger. I have to think about what the Whittakers will do when they find out. I can’t lose him, and if that means I have to turn my back on what I want, then so be it.”
Mom slammed her hands onto the table hard enough that lukewarm tea sloshed out of my mug. As much as I wanted to appease her by drinking it, I really couldn’t stomach it. Not when my gut was already twisted into knots.
“You stop that right this minute,” she demanded. “While they may not be happy about it, they’re not going to take your son from you. They’re not heartless, you know.”
“But you know how nasty they can be,” I argued. “They were constantly checking up on me to make sure I wasn’t neglecting their grandson after Erica died. And I’m not stupid. I know they have people keeping an eye on me.”
“That’s because they love Jagger as much as the rest of us do,” she insisted. “I think your judgment was clouded by grief. You were so uncertain of your own abilities that you thought everyone doubted you. None of us did. On the other hand, we did worry. That’s something that’ll never change. All anyone wants for you is to be happy.”
In the past, Mom had made a point of never flat-out telling me I was unhinged about my assumptions when it came to Jagger’s security in my home. Today, she laid it all on the table.
“The only way they’d try to intervene is if they thought Jagger was in danger,” she continued. “As I see it, the two of you have never been happier than you have for the past month. Even before Jagger was born, you always seemed to be worrying about something. And I think that might have been because of us. We might have put too much pressure on you to make something of your life. If that something is you being a bartender who comes home to his son and boyfriend at night rather than a wife, I suppose that’ll have to be enough.”
I couldn’t believe how easily she could talk about this. How normal it seemed. In fact, she’d put up more of a fight when I told her I was proposing to Erica than she was about this.
“You’d really be that cool with it?” I asked, still a bit shell-shocked. She nodded as the back door opened and my dad stepped through. I wiped at my face one last time to make sure there were no lingering tears on my cheeks. If he asked about the red eyes, I’d tell him I’d had a rough night. He’d assume I’d gone to the bar, but I could deal with that. As long as it didn’t become a habit, he wouldn’t say anything. And it wouldn’t, because I was even less of a fan of having nervous breakdowns than I was of getting plastered to dull the pain.
“Thanks Mom, you’re the best.” I got up from my chair and kissed the top of her head.
I still worried about what people were going to think and say if I eventually came out, but knowing I had Mom in my corner meant I’d have both of my parents there to support me, and that was everything to me.
“He seems to be a good man,” she praised him. “If I were you, I’d ask Dax to come and see you at work so the two of you can talk.”
No way in hell was that going to happen. I still wasn’t ready to have my possible relationship turn into gossip fodder for the town. I didn’t argue with her, simply gave her another hug and kiss as she walked me out to my car.
“Now, you remember to bring him with you on Saturday,” she reminded me. I hadn’t mentioned dinner with my family to Dax because I hadn’t wanted Mom to see us together and figure out what was going on. Now that she knew, I couldn’t think of a good reason to keep him from seeing what a good family was like. He deserved that, and I knew my parents would love him as much as I thought I might.
