Michael
It was after ten at night and I was exhausted but I couldn’t sleep. Once he’d settled in at my parents’ place, Jagger begged me to let him spend the night at Meemaw’s, and it had only taken me about two seconds to cave. I’d decided tonight was going to be the night I admitted to Dax how I’d been feeling. The longer I let this distance between us go on without saying something to him, the more I felt as though I’d lose my nerve and never be honest.
As I drove home, I debated heading to the bar for a bit. I wasn’t in the mood to drink, but I knew the two people I wanted to talk to in this town were both there. The problem was, neither conversation was one to have in public.
I’d almost given up on finding anything to watch on TV when I heard a soft rap on my front door. I pulled back the sheer fabric covering the pane of glass to the side of the door and saw what appeared to be a slightly tipsy Dax smiling nervously. I flipped on the porch light and opened the door. There was no hiding my own excitement that he’d shown up even though we’d agreed to sit down and talk another day.
“Hey.” My fingers twitched with the desire to reach out and touch him. I wanted to pull him in and press his body against the wall as I sealed my mouth to his in a hot, sloppy kiss. I’d never understood the attraction of being with someone so close to my own size, but now it was all I could think about. I wondered how different it would be in the bedroom, knowing that I didn’t have to worry about hurting him if I let my need take control. I wanted to feel the rasp of his five o’clock shadow against my palms.
“I hope I didn’t wake you,” he said as he pushed his way past me. There was a faint hint of Jack Daniels in the air as he spoke and I wondered how many he’d had. Hopefully not too many, because I couldn’t imagine many things more painful than dealing with a room full of kids while hungover.
“Nope. I was just trying to find something to watch,” I admitted. That felt really lame. I had the night off and no kid to take care of, yet I was sitting around the house bemoaning the fact that it was worthless to have cable if there was nothing interesting to watch.
Dax headed straight into the kitchen and helped himself to a bottle of water. I secretly loved the fact that he felt so comfortable here, but that didn’t stop me from giving him a hard time about it. “You know, you keep eating my food and drinking my water and I might have to start charging you.”
“Take it out of my check for watching Jag,” he scoffed. I knew he was kidding. I’d offered to pay him for his time and he acted as if I’d slapped him in the face.Save it, he’d told me.If nothing else, use the money to do something fun with the kid.But knowing he wasn’t serious didn’t stop me from thinking back to my dad’s comment about how I was going to wear out his generosity if I wasn’t careful. When he turned back to face me, the annoyed look on his face turned menacing in the low light creeping in from the living room. “We need to talk.”
I followed him and sat on the opposite end of the couch from him. He was too far away, but nothing good ever came from those four words, and I wasn’t about to make this any more painful than it had to be.
“Did something happen tonight?” I asked, trying to figure out why he seemed almost hostile, when he’d looked more nervous and excited when he was on the other side of the front door.
“Yeah, something happened,” he groaned. When he tipped the bottle of water to his lips, my eyes were drawn to the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he chugged half the liquid in one gulp. When the bottle was empty, he crushed it and tossed it onto the coffee table. “So there I was, sitting around having drinks with my new friends, and all of a sudden Justin asked me about how the two of us know one another.”
I stiffened, hoping this wasn’t going where I thought it was. Justin was a good guy, but I didn’t want to think about how he’d react if he’d noticed the way I looked at Dax. And Ireallydidn’t like the idea that he may have been asking because he was interested in Dax.
“What did you tell him?” A week ago, I wouldn’t have wondered about his response. We were in a good place and he was a friend I could count on. But that’d changed as soon as the school year started, and now there was a lingering fear in the back of my mind that we were nothing more than parent and teacher.
He tilted his head to the side and stared at me, blinking rapidly. His mouth opened and closed a few times as though he were trying to find the words he was looking for. “What do you mean? I told him we’re friends. At least, I hope we are.”
I let out a heavy sigh, not realizing until then just how much I’d needed to hear those words from him. Yeah, I knew I missed him, but if he wanted to push me away now that I knew the truth, I couldn’t stop him. “Yeah, we are. Even if you have been a dick for the past week.”
“That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about,” he admitted. He wrapped his arms around his body, as though he were trying to shield himself. He huffed out a weak, self-deprecating laugh. “You know, it’s funny. I was so worried about anyone here finding out I was gay because I didn’t want to be run out of town. So what did I do? The first time I said something, I ran. And I owe you an apology, because I should’ve trusted that you wouldn’t think less of me. Justin and I did talk about that a bit tonight, too.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “I think I knew why you were doing it, and that’s why I gave you some space. If anyone knows about pushing people away, it’s me.”
“So I’ve heard,” he deadpanned. That made me wonder just how much of the evening he and Justin had spent talking about me and my issues.
My heart raced to the point I started to feel lightheaded as I tried to bring myself to be honest with Dax about how I’d spent the past week thinking about him. I tugged at the collar of my shirt when the room was suddenly too warm. I jumped at the sound of a car passing on the street. My mind and body felt completely out of control.
Although Dax deserved for me to look at him when I said what I wanted to say, I couldn’t. I turned away from him and stared at the pictures over the mantel. “Dax, there’s something I need to tell you.”
I heard Dax shifting nervously at the other end of the couch. I couldn’t help but turn to him when he groaned as he stood. The pain on his face was crippling. He was still on edge, still waiting for me to turn him away.
“Please, just sit,” I pleaded with him.
“No, I should go.”
I followed him to the door, still trying to figure out what I could do to make him listen to me. The only idea I had was to pull him back and kiss him, but did I have it in me to make the first move?
As he reached for the tarnished brass knob on the door, I realized this was my chance. If he walked out without knowing what I wanted to say, I feared I’d never get another opportunity. That he’d walk away and our friendship would finish crumbling to the point where we were nothing more than parent and teacher to one another.
Without giving myself the opportunity to overthink what I was about to do, I reached out and wrapped my hand around Dax’s wrist. “Don’t go,” I whispered, hoping I didn’t sound as pathetic to him as I did to myself.
He stared down at the connection and tried to jerk his arm free. I tightened my grip. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t really know,” I admitted, inching closer to him, giving him time to move away. He seemed frozen in place as I allowed my hand to slide down the length of his arm. The coarse hair was different, but not in a bad way. He muscles flexed under my touch, but he didn’t show any signs of being opposed to what I was doing.
I took another step toward him, fully expecting him to turn me away. Any minute, I figured he’d lash out at me, accusing me of mocking him. Or worse, telling me that I was confused and didn’t know what I wanted. When he didn’t do any of those things, I took the opportunity to satisfy my own curiosity. It was probably one of the stupidest things I’d done in my life, but I couldn’t let that stop me. I kept my eyes open as I leaned in, waiting for the slightest hint that he didn’t want this.
