“But you have to talk, eventually. Tell me if I’m wrong, but the way I see it, you’ve carried around a heaping pile of steaming shit for a long time. You might not say it, but you’re trying to compensate for the guilt you feel over Brandon’s death by doing what he would want.” I leave him to chew on that thought while I finish wiping down counters and sweeping the floor.
“Now who’s the shrink out of the two of us?” Dom hollers. When I poke my head around the corner to make some witty comeback, it dies on my lips because it almost looks as if Dom’s falling asleep on the couch. I lean against the doorway for a moment, trying to decide if he looks more peaceful than he has in the past week or if it’s a figment of my imagination.
“Hey, why don’t we head to bed?” I suggest, reaching for his hand.
“I’d rather stay here, if you don’t mind.” He pulls the blanket tight under his chin, another layer of protection from the outside world. He might be trying to tell me that hewantsto be alone, but that’s not what heneeds. I flick off the lights and move so I’m standing in front of him. “Tony, it’s okay. You can head to bed if you’re tired, but I’m good here. Really.”
Dom’s staring blankly out the window, watching snowflakes falling high above the city. Gently, I reach beneath his shoulders and pull his head off the couch. Once I’m settled into the end cushion, his head falls into place on my thigh. We sit there in the darkness, with only the twinkling lights on my sister’s Christmas tree to keep our world from total darkness.
A lump forms in my throat as I allow myself to think about how normal it feels to be here with Dom. Most of the time, I’m the guy cracking a joke or saying something completely random when the silence gets to be too much, but Dom’s steady breathing is enough.
“I think the worst part is that I never really got to say goodbye,” Dom whispers. In my state of half-sleep, I barely register the words. I run my fingers through his chestnut hair, wishing there was more I could do. “His parents made sure Jason knew that I wasn’t welcome at the funeral because I was the fag who’d turned their son against everything he was taught growing up. Jason tried to get them to understand that no one ‘did’ anything to him, but they refused to listen.
“At one point, they told Jason that if he was going to keep sticking up for the queer boy from up north, he would find himself sitting beside me.” Even though there are similarities between Brandon’s family and my own, I can’t imagine they would be so cruel as to deny my partner if something should happen to me. They aren’t going to like the fact that I’m gay, may not welcome anyone I choose to be with into their lives, what Brandon’s family did is pure evil.
“Baby, that’s awful,” I sigh, leaning down to kiss his head. The silence returns, and I struggle to keep my mouth closed. I want to find Brandon’s parents and beat some sense into them.
“I think I was expecting it. I just wish they’d let me say goodbye to him so my last memory wasn’t of him bleeding out in the water.” Dom’s breathing becomes ragged and I know he’s crying. Again. I’d always thought showing emotion made a man weak, but Dominic is teaching me that it’s a sign of super-human strength. I feel strangely proud of him and blessed that I’m the one he’s sharing this with. “How am I supposed to let myself feel again, knowing how much it kills me when it ends?”
“It doesn’t always end,” I remind Dom, moving my hand beneath the blanket, needing to feel the warmth of his body on my skin. “And if it does, you need to find a way to remember the good things instead of just the bad. You’ve told me a lot about what you and Brandon fought about and how things ended. Why not try to think of one happy memory that you can share with me?”
Dom’s silent for a long time and I start kicking myself in the ass. Yet again, I’m trying to get Dom to go further than he’s comfortable and this is an extremely touchy subject. When I move to slide out from beneath him, his fingers grip my arm tightly. “Don’t go,” he pleads. “You’re right. I haven’t let myself think about him for so long, I have to fight this haze to get to any memories other than the last day we had together.”
“It’s okay, baby.” I settle back in my seat, pulling Dom closer. He rolls onto his back so his shimmering eyes are staring up at me. “You don’t have to tell me anything right now. Hell, you don’t have to share a single second of your time together with me, but I do think it’d do you some good to think about something other than the last time you saw Brandon.”
“No, you’re right. I can’t keep thinking about everything that hurts, now that I’ve decided to open the door.” There’s a subtle vulnerability in this voice, which is an alarming contrast to the velvety tone to which I’ve become accustomed. My body reacts, but not in the way I’m used to. Right now, I don’t want to take him to the bedroom and pound him into next week, I want to lay him down and make love to him to show him that it’s okay to feel. Fuck, I’m terrified, but now that I’ve decided this is what I want, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let go easily.
I slide my hand beneath the hem of his shirt, needing to feel as close to Dom as he’ll let me. The voice in my head is telling me I’m crazy to feel this pull to him, but I’m ignoring it, in favor of my sister’s words of wisdom from earlier. What I feel for Dom doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t have to. And then I chuckle when I think about Andrew’s sage advice.
“Care to tell me what’s so funny?” Dom looks up at me with this ridiculous scowl on his face.
“Just something Andrew said earlier.” Feeling Dom relax under the gentle circles I’m drawing on his tight stomach, I inch my hand higher, grazing one finger over his nipple. “He comes across as being a tight-ass, but he’s downright strange when he wants to be.”
Dom ignores my ill-timed fit of humor. He gently hums as I continue lightly stroking his skin, letting him know I’m here for him in the only way I know how. “You know, I think this is what I miss the most about Brandon. The two of us used to lie in the dark for hours, just talking. It was the only time I could get him to slow down for two seconds. I used to tease him for acting like a rubber band that had been wound too tightly. But when we’d settle in for the night, he was like a different person.”
Jealousy creeps through my body as Dominic continues telling me about the summer he spent with Brandon, the weeks before everything went to shit. I envy him for having that type of love in his life, and a little piece of me hates Brandon because he’s had something with Dom that I desperately wish I could have.
Every time Dom gives me a shred of insight into the man that he is, it raises more questions in my mind. They’re the questions that typically don’t come up for months into a relationship, but whatever this is that’s growing between us is happening at warp speed and, for once in my life, I’m open to the concept of having someone I know on every level.
“Sounds like a pretty special guy,” I respond, biting back the words that are on the tip of my tongue.
“He was.” Dom reaches up to trace my jaw with one finger. If he keeps that up, he’s going to feel something poking the side of his head. “Honestly, it’s part of why I freaked out the other day. I look at you and I see so much of the man he might have become if I had been more adamant that we not go out on the water. You’re just as intense as he is, and you both drive me crazy.”
“Thanks…I think. Come on, let’s get to bed.” All this talking is wearing me out. It sucks to want someone so much that your heart aches for them. Yet another reason the penis is better than the heart.
* * *
Dom
The truth is outand the world didn’t collapse. I reach for Tony’s hand, leading him to the bedroom that we’ll likely wind up sharing for however long our time together lasts. The alternative is for one of us to take the couch, but that doesn’t seem comfortable or even necessary at this point. I know there’s no way I’ll get any decent sleep knowing that he’s so close and it seems the feeling is mutual, given his rambling apology earlier tonight.
Things with Tony are…intense. From the very first moment I heard him pleading with the gate agent to find him a seat on any flight to New York so he wouldn’t miss the wedding, I’ve felt pulled to him the way opposite ends of a magnet jump to one another. Then I dropped him off and I felt like a piece of me stayed with him, as crazy as that sounds.
After the wedding debacle, it was easy to pretend that Tony’s lack of filter between his brain and mouth was the issue. He’s the epitome of the blunt New Yorker stereotype. And that was an issue, still is in a way, but not for the reasons I tried to give. It was, is, the feeling of déjà vu.
Even the way he stalks around the bedroom getting ready for bed reminds me of Brandon. Which makes me wonder, not for the first time, if my attraction to Tony is because of who he is or who my mind drifts to frequently when we’re together.
I wait until Tony heads for the bathroom before starting my own nighttime ritual. The way I’m struggling with wardrobe choices, you’d think I’m getting ready for a hot date, not what I hope will be a decent night of sleep. In the end, I forego my lounge pants, figuring it’s not the first time he’s seen me in my boxers. Actually, it will be the first time I’ve slept this way in his presence because the last time there was nothing between us.
