“Are you kidding?” Matteo propped himself up on an elbow and placed a hand over my heart. “Until this morning, I’d resigned myself to living at home forever. Knowing you love and accept me exactly as I am means everything to me. It’s just that sometimes major life changes get to be too much for my brain to handle, no matter how much I want whatever is about to happen.”
“As long as you’re sure you didn’t agree to move in because you think it’s what I wanted, then we’ll find a way to get through this together,” I promised him.
Matteo shifted closer to me on the mattress, burying his face against my chest and inhaling deeply. Whether it was today or fifty years from now, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get tired of the smallest gestures Matteo made that told me he needed me as much as I needed him. We lay there a bit longer, until I felt confident Matteo was okay. But eventually, it was time for us to rejoin the rest of the family. I didn’t want Matteo’s episode derailing his brother’s plans for the evening, not so much for Freddie’s sake, but because I knew Matteo would never forgive himself.
“Angel,” I whispered. “Are you ready to go back downstairs?”
“Yeah, I suppose it’s about time.” Matteo sighed. “And after dinner, I’d like it if we can go by Mama’s house to pick up some more of my stuff.”
“Angel, there’s no rush.”
“I know, but it seems pretty silly for me to keep asking you to drive me by the house every day so I can pick up more stuff. Not to mention, it’s a waste of time we could spend doing other things.” When he put it that way it was hard to argue with him. “Besides, I need to tell Mama what’s going on.”
“Do you think tonight’s the right time to talk to her?” Today was a big day for the Marino family and it seemed the proposal would be more than enough for her. Like I kept telling Matteo, there was no reason for us to rush into anything. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to find an apartment that was ours rather than mine. Maybe something a bit closer to Matteo’s family so he never felt isolated when I was out of town.
Matteo shook his head, adamantly disagreeing with me. “No, if I’m going to do this I want to get it over and done with. If I wait, I’m going to sit there obsessing about all the reasons I shouldn’t move in with you and that’s not fair to either one of us. And it’s time. For too long, I lived with Mama, telling myself it was because she needed me, but the truth is I’m the one who needed her. She’s always been a safety net for me and it’s time I take a leap and either succeed or fail on my own.”
“Angel, as long as we’re together, you’ll never have to face anything alone again.” That was the easiest promise I’d ever make to him.
Hand-in-hand, I led Matteo downstairs to where the rest of the family was already gathering for dinner. No one made a big deal about the scene earlier or our prolonged absence. The worst that happened was a couple of Matteo’s brothers pulled him to the side wanting to make sure he was okay, and that was far from a bad thing.
15
Matteo
I’d intendedto talk to Mama after dinner at Freddie’s, but she was so happy about Peter finally being an official part of the Marino family that I couldn’t risk it. Daddy and I snuck by the house to pick up a few more changes of clothes and enjoyed an evening of lazy sex and snuggles before I drifted off to sleep.
By the end of the week, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the longer I put off telling Mama I was moving out, the more upset she’d be with me. With Levi out of town for the weekend, I decided it was time to have the talk with Mama, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. It was important to me that I do this alone because I didn’t want her thinking Levi was pressuring me into this in any way. She’d been dropping hints all week that the house was too quiet without me there, which told me she knew something was up.
I’d been distracted all day at work, trying to keep from overthinking how tonight might go. My brothers all noticed, but none of them questioned me. Since I’d gotten together with Levi, they’d all been much better about respecting my personal space and not rushing in to rescue me from myself.
But by midafternoon, I was struggling to accomplish anything, and Frankie was the first to notice. He called me back to the office and motioned for me to sit in the chair across from his desk as soon as I entered the room. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” I responded without hesitation. Other than my nerves about tonight, I was better than I’d been in a long time. Levi spent a lot of time helping me learn more coping mechanisms for when the anxiety got to be too much. He’d encouraged me to talk to the doctor about medication or formal therapy, not only for the anxiety but also for the ADHD, but I hadn’t been able to make the call yet. I didn’t want to be dependent on medication if I could help it, and so far, I felt like I was doing pretty good managing on my own with the help of Levi and my brothers.
“Then why have you been running around all day forgetting things the way you did before you and Levi got together?” Frankie had always been the brother most likely to call it like he saw it, and there was no denying I’d been doing everything he just said.
“Because I’m sitting down to talk to Mama tonight and you know how I get,” I told him. So far, I hadn’t told any of my brothers I was moving out of our childhood home because I’d been worried they’d say I was rushing into a relationship or think my decision had been influenced by Freddie and Frankie’s engagements. The truth was I didn’t want anybody talking me out of my decision.
“What’s going on with that?” Frankie pressed when I didn’t offer up any details.
“Levi and I’ve been spending a lot of time together,” I explained. Rather than looking at Frankie to see his reaction, I wiped at a small stain on the front of my shirt. “I’m over at his place almost every night, and last weekend he asked me to move in with him.”
Freddie knocked on the door and entered the room without waiting for an invitation. He took the seat next to me, and I knew he’d been standing outside the door listening to everything we’d said. One thing you learned growing up with this many brothers was that privacy was something you could never expect. Maybe in some families, but not ours. “Is that why you were so keyed up last weekend?” Freddie asked. I nodded. “Man, I’m not going to say it doesn’t seem a bit quick, but Levi seems like a good guy. He’s good for you. What are you so nervous about?”
“You know how Mama can be.” I let out a deep breath. Maybe my brothers didn’t fully understand what it was like living with her. None of them were the baby of the family, and by the time Papa died, they’d all moved out, leaving me the only one to keep her company. “This is something I really want, but I can’t shake the feeling she’s going to try to talk me out of it.”
“Teo, she can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. She’s always going to worry about you, maybe more than she does the rest of us because you’re her baby, but at the end of the day all she wants is for us boys to be happy. And there is no denying Levi makes you happy.” Frankie came around the front of the desk and crouched in front of me. “One thing I can tell you for sure is sometimes the idea of talking to Mama is scarier than the conversation itself. Believe me, I know what you’re going through. When I was trying to convince myself to tell her I was gay, I was sure I’d lose everything. I thought there was no way she’d love me if I was with a man, but now I’m pretty sure if she was forced to choose she’d keep Calvin and kick my ass to the curb.”
All three of us laughed because it was true. As much as Mama loved us boys, it often felt as though she favored her bonus sons. Any time Frankie and Calvin had a disagreement, she was always quick to ask Frankie what he’d done to upset his partner. Thinking about how easily she’d accepted both Calvin and Peter into the family helped ease my mind.
“So, you guys don’t think I’m making a mistake by moving in with him so soon?” My brothers’ opinion mattered to me, and I held my breath while I waited for either of them to respond.
It was Freddie who turned to me first. “Neither of us are in the same position you are. We were both established in our own lives before we met our guys. We had our own space and didn’t have to worry about privacy. You do.”
“And Mama’s not stupid, Matteo,” Frankie pointed out. “Whether she said anything directly to you, she knows damn well what’s going on. The longer you avoid telling her because you’re scared, the harder it’s going to be. Given your situation, moving in together is a good idea. The two of you are already practically there, so this is only a formality.”
Frankie reached out and took my hand, squeezing tightly. “Sometimes you have to be willing to go with the flow rather than do what you’ve convinced yourself is right. This is a good thing, Matteo. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”
