“You think he’s going to be happy in a place like Annandale? Peter’s one of the hottest makeup artists in the city, or he would be if he didn’t ghost people.” She sneered as she gave me a quick down-up gaze. “It won’t be long until he comes back for good.”
“NowAngela,” he commanded a bit more firmly this time. “Unless, of course, you’d like to be replaced by the end of the day. Just think what it would do to have someone of my standing report back to your boss that you were harassing my boyfriend?”
Her mouth gaped like a fish on land, but for once, she thought better of saying anything before running off without so much as a backward glance. It was the side of her I’d gotten used to seeing in the last year of our marriage. At least now I had a bit of clarity as to why she left. When we were younger, it wasn’t uncommon for her to spend her down time doodling on any scrap of paper she could find. Before Sophia, she’d dreamed of moving to New York for fashion school and becoming the next big thing, until the moment two pink lines appeared on that pregnancy tests and both of our lives changed forever.
“Are you okay?” Peter guided me to a small room off to the side, easing me onto the couch. I didn’t even realize until he wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder that I was shaking. Whether it was out of anger or shock, I couldn’t be certain. “Talk about your crazy small world coincidences, huh?”
I was so stunned I couldn’t even think of a witty comeback. I sat there shaking my head, anger building inside me as I realized as soon as I told her I wasn’t there because of a problem with Sophia, she hadn’t even asked how her daughter was doing. I’d never understand how someone could be so heartless to completely drop out of their own child’s life. But it was her loss, because someday Sophia would realize what a selfish bitch her mother was, and by then, it be too late to make amends.
“I’ll be fine,” I assured him. “I’m not going to get you in trouble, am I? If you need to get back to work, I’m probably just going to take off. As much as I’d like to see you in action, I’m not sure I can stick around here much longer.”
I was afraid that, if I stayed, I’d see a side of Peter I hadn’t before; the confident, creative makeup artist who had everything he wanted states away from a place I couldn’t leave.
“I understand,” Peter responded sadly, his body sagging against mine. It wasn’t fair to him that I was going to bail on him, but I couldn’t imagine much worse than spending the afternoon on edge, wondering if or when my ex-wife would come walking around the corner.
Not only that, but seeing them the same space, realizing how similar their dreams were, made me doubt Peter and I could ever make a relationship work. The two of them were so alike in some ways I was surprised I hadn’t seen the similarity sooner. They both had dreams they couldn’t achieve as long as I was around acting like an anchor, holding them back. I needed to get away and think about where to go from here because one thing was certain: I couldn’t let myself get any closer to Peter than I already had because I’d constantly wonder when he’d get sick of family life and come rushing back to the city.
“I’m sorry Peter. I know how badly you wanted to spend time together, but it’s not going to work. Maybe another time I can come up and things will be different.” Bile rose in my throat as I said the words, knowing on some level, I wasn’t only talking about today. My mind was so twisted from that short interaction with Angela I doubted everything I’d come to believe in the past few months.
Peter’s voice shook when he spoke. “You’re scaring me Freddie. I don’t know what happened before I walked up, but I need you to promise me you know I’m not her. I could never do to you or Sophia what she did.”
“I know that.” I slid a hand up Peter’s neck and around to cup the back of his head, leaning in for a tender kiss. “But you have to understand, my life isn’t about me anymore. From the minute Sophia was born, she became my first priority. I have to make sure I protect her. After Angela left, Sophia cried herself to sleep every night, asking me why her mommy left. Sophia truly believed that if she hadn’t misbehaved, hadn’t made so many messes, that it would’ve been enough for Angela to stay. She doesn’t understand that sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to hang onto them.”
“But sometimes it is,” he responded without hesitation. “We need to talk about this, but I do need to get back to work. Please tell me you won’t do anything stupid this afternoon. Promise me you’ll be at the apartment when I get home so I can prove that I understand what you’re saying and that you and I have a common goal. And wish me luck, because now that I know who she is, I’m not sure I’ll be able get through the afternoon without decking her. For what it’s worth, I think you dodged a bullet with that one. She’s doing her best to prove that she deserves to be here, but so far she’s managed to piss off just about everyone.”
“That sounds like her,” I responded. Now that I calmed down a bit, I realized I felt nothing but anger when I saw Angela, and it wasn’t anger that she left me, it was all about what she’d done to Sophia. As far as I was concerned, at this point she was nothing but a surrogate who gave me the greatest gift in my life. “No matter how amusing it would be to see you knock her on her ass, don’t do it. She’s not worth it.”
“But you are. And what she did to the two of you is unforgivable.” He held my face in his hands, staring into my eyes. “I can tell you don’t believe me, but you should. My life is better for having you in it. Where she felt like you and Sophia were a burden, you are two of the best blessings I never even thought to ask for. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I kissed him again as we stood, holding him a little tighter, a little longer than normal. I still wasn’t sure how we could get past the wall I’d erected in my mind, but Peter’s request wasn’t unreasonable. “I’m going to head back to your place and take a nap. I’ve got a killer stress headache right now.”
“But you’ll be there later, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there when you get home.” Peter walked me to the door of the warehouse, holding my hand the entire way. When I opened the door, he seemed reluctant to let go, as if he still thought this might be our last goodbye. Maybe I was delaying the inevitable, but I couldn’t give up on him just yet.
I wound up getting off the subway a couple stops early, wanting the extra time to roam aimlessly and think. I came across a park that reminded me of the one down the street from our house back in Annandale and sat on a bench, watching a young family play. At first, I’d thought the two men were buddies, but their easy affection said otherwise.
No matter who I wound up with, that was the life they’d have to be willing to live. It wouldn’t be nights spent in dark corners of clubs having public sex, loud music blaring through the house at all hours of the day and night, or coming home at four in the morning from a late-night meal. There were times I convinced myself Peter might be willing to give all of this up for us, but it was something I could never ask of him.
By the time I got back to Peter’s apartment, I was no closer to a compromise in my mind. I laid down in his bed, clutching the pillow that still smelled like him, and resisted the urge to sink into a funk. I’d promised Peter he and I would talk when he got home, so now all there was for me to do was wait.
16
Peter
The restof the afternoon was a complete shit show. Angela had been a miserable bitch since the moment she walked in this morning and after seeing Freddie and me together she seemed to be on a mission to make my life a living hell. Where I’d been praised for looks I’d created early in the day, now nothing was right. One model’s forehead was too shiny, another looked like they just rolled out of bed according to her. It wasn’t until midafternoon when I decided to cut out the middleman and went directly to Michael, the designer who’d hired me.
“Hello Peter,” he greeted me without taking his focus off the rack of clothes he was shuffling through, mumbling about a particular outfit that no one could find. “It is good to have you back, my friend. I was beginning to think you had retired and did not want to break our hearts.”
“I promise if that ever happens, you’ll be one of the first people I tell.” Michael had always been one of my best clients. He and I came onto the scene around the same time and had helped push one another to the next level over the past two years. “I wanted to touch base with you and hear how you think the shoot’s going.”
“It is good. Very good,” he responded enthusiastically. “Now if only I could find this dress, then everything would be even better. I have no clue what that woman did with it. Ever since she went to lunch, it is like her mind forgot there was still work to do this afternoon.”
Well, shit. The last thing I wanted to do was defend Angela, but it made sense on some level that maybe she was as distracted by the scene when Freddie came in as I was. And I was man enough to admit my mind hadn’t been one hundred percent on the job since I walked Freddie outside. Even though he told me he’d be at the apartment when I got home, I was still worried he’d already be on a train halfway back to Annandale by the time I packed up my gear and caught a train home.
“And you too, my friend.” He curled his fingers around the wardrobe rack and turned to face me. “Are these two things coincidental or did something happen between the two of you when we broke for lunch? If you cannot work with her, I will find someone else.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Michael and I had never been close enough for me to consider him a friend, so it seemed inappropriate for me to explain to him what had gone down. Besides, doing so would also mean divulging Angela’s personal business, and no matter what I thought of her, I wasn’t going to do that to someone else. “I’m sorry if you’re under the impression I can’t work with one of your assistants. There’s no need for you to find another makeup artist.”
