Michael laughed, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder. “You are a fool if you think I would consider hiring anyone other than you. The replacements you suggested while you were dealing with your family situation were good, but none of them can compare to your skill. You are a gem to our industry. A bit of a diamond in the rough, I think is how they say it. And someday, I will be able to say that I knew you when you were still desperate enough to work for just anyone, even someone as surly as me.”
That was high praise coming from someone like Michael. In the past two years, he’d received a great deal of notice for his avant garde designs, which were in stark contrast to a simpler line he started out with, designed as fashionwear for those who couldn’t afford to pay high-end prices. He and I came from similar backgrounds, and I respected him because he hadn’t allowed his notoriety to pull him away from the issues that mattered to him.
“It is all true,” he insisted. “But I worry about you. I know we do not share our personal woes, but if you need to talk to someone I hope you know you can always talk to me.”
“That means a lot to me. Thanks.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I contemplated whether Michael could be an unbiased sounding board for everything in my mind.
“Today you do not seem yourself. You are still doing a wonderful job, but it seems as though there is somewhere else you would rather be.” He glanced over his shoulder when someone called his name and held up a finger to let them know he’d be along in a minute. “Am I imagining things or are you not happy as you used to be?”
The last thing I wanted was for Michael to think I was ungrateful for the assignment or would rather be somewhere else, even though it was true that my mind wasn’t anywhere in the same area code as I was right now. But this was neither the time nor the place to bare my soul to him. As if to emphasize that thought, the vile bitch herself came teetering down the hall in impractically high heels.
The petty side of my mind mocked her because she looked like a little girl trying to play dress-up. She didn’t fit in here, and in trying to prove she could make it, she took everything just a step too far; her makeup was too heavy and painted on, her skirt too short, her shirt too low-cut, everything was too much. I didn’t miss the way she sneered at me when she realized I was the one talking to her boss, but she quickly schooled her features when Michael turned around.
“Angela, did you find that dress?” She shook her head. “Well if it is not on the rack and it is not in one of the dressing rooms, then it must be back in the workshop. I thought I gave you a list of everything you needed to bring today.”
Angela seemed to shrink back the longer her boss scolded her. Good. He was far too decent of a man to work with someone who had no clue what loyalty meant. “I swear I checked everything off the list, but I suppose it’s possible I may have missed one outfit. Do you want me to go back to the studio and see if it’s there?”
Michael stared at her as if she’d grown a second head. It was a stupid question, but I took a step back rather than making a snarky comment. This conversation didn’t pertain to me. He shooed her away and let out an exasperated sigh. “I do not know what I’m going to do with her. She came to me from an agency, and they said she had good references, but sometimes I am not so sure.”
I bit down on my lips to keep from giving my personal opinion, which had nothing to do with her professional skills. “How long has she been working for you?”
“She came to me the week after the last shoot we worked on together. I keep giving her chances because every time I reach my breaking point, it is as if she knows and she starts to get better for a while.” It sounded like this was a common theme in Angela’s life. Well, that was too bad, because I refused to feel sorry for her. “We have a few minutes to sit down while we wait for the models to get ready in the outfits that are here.”
Michael led me over to a lounge area at the far side of the building. Both of us stopped and grabbed a drink before he motioned for me to sit down on the couch.
“Something happened while you are gone.” It wasn’t a question. “You do not have to tell me what is weighing you down, but please know I don’t like seeing you this way. If your heart isn’t into your work, it is going to show in the finished product. Perhaps it is time for you to take a break and reassess whether this is the road you want to take. As you grow older, sometimes your priorities change; what you thought you always wanted can wind up holding you back from what you truly need.”
Rather than rushing to convince him I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, I took a minute to let his words sink in. It was true I had worked damn hard to build a name for myself here, but maybe this was a stepping stone for something more in life. Maybe I needed to think outside the box of the glamourous life to find what would make me truly happy.
“Ah, I think you understand that I am right,” Michael observed. “When today is done, you will go and find the lovely man who was here earlier and tell him that you will do what is needed to live a life with him. You are a lucky man.”
Yeah, I really was.
The rest of the afternoon, nothing could get me down. Not Angela glaring daggers at me or her snarky comments. Although I was tempted to ask her what in the fuck was scrambled in her brain that she could waste energy being a petty bitch over a man she’d left but couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone to call her daughter. Oh well, her loss was my gain, because you could be damn sure I wasn’t going to make the same mistake.
The train home was rank and we were packed in like sardines; that did nothing to improve my mood. My heart raced, and I was out of breath by the time I reached the front door of my apartment. I closed my eyes and offered up a prayer that I didn’t walk in to deafening silence. When I didn’t see Freddie camped out on the couch or putzing around in the kitchen, anxiety left me a shaky mess. I had to will my feet toward the bedroom, stopping with my hand on the knob, repeating my plea to god or the universe or whoever before pushing the door open.
“Hey, I wasn’t sure if that was you or not,” Freddie greeted me. Pillow lines creased his cheek and somehow it made him look adorable. He pushed himself off the bed and was almost instantly enveloping me in his strong arms. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier. I panicked. It’s not fair or right, but I can’t say it won’t happen again. I know you’re not like her.”
“That’s a good thing.” Even though I was so relieved I could’ve easily broken down in tears, I didn’t want him thinking he could pull this shit whenever he wanted and I’d keep taking it. “You’re right; I’mnotyour ex-wife. For one thing, she could never hope to pull off those heels she wore today half as well as I do.”
Freddie threw his head back in laughter, meaning my quip had the intended effect. “Babe, you’ve got her in just about every category. But I’m trying to be serious here. I’ll grovel if I have to, but I don’t want my insecurity costing me you. We can’t lose you, too.”
He intertwined his fingers in mine and led me to the bed. Instead of sitting next to me, Freddie dropped to his knees and started untying the laces of my boots, pulling them off and tossing them into the closet. I moaned when he started working my aching feet with his hands, paying close attention to the balls and arches, which always hurt like hell after I spent all day behind the makeup chair.
“I know you have obligations and a business you’re running here, but I want to find a way for us to make it work,” he told me as he wrestled with the fabric of my pants. Damn me for wearing something tight, because my calves were screaming for his attention. I thought about stripping out of them, but somehow, that didn’t feel right. This wasn’t a sexual moment, it was Freddie trying to show how much he cared about me, and we’d never proven very good at keeping our hormones in check when either of us started undressing. “If you have to split your time between here and Annandale, I’ll understand, but I’m not giving up on us.”
“I don’t want to do that.” Being with Freddie–and Sophia–was all or nothing. With everything they’d been through because of Angela, it’d be too hard on them to say goodbye to me over and over. I knew they’d spend our times apart wondering if I was coming back. They needed–deserved–stability. Freddie’s hands dropped to his sides, and he stared at the ground in front of him. When he closed his eyes and his breath hitched, I reached out to soothe him. “Look at me.”
He did and the emotions painted across his face were raw and painful to witness. “I knew it was too much to ask.”
“Listen to me, Freddie,” I pleaded, curling my fingers into his hair as much as I could, pulling slightly until he met my gaze. “I don’t want to split my time between here and home because I couldn’t stand being away from you. I was terrified all afternoon, thinking you might not be waiting for me. Walking away from you and Sophia isn’t an option. The two of you are everything to me. You’re the boy I always dreamed about spending my life with but didn’t think it’d ever happen, and Sophia’s the little pixie who stole my heart the moment she insisted that we be best friends because I’m the Peter Pan to her Tinkerbell.
“And I suppose I have been Peter Pan in some ways, doing whatever I wanted and refusing to grow up. But sometimes, you have to take a hard look at your dreams and make sure you’re not chasing after something you no longer want.” As I spoke, Freddie leaned forward, resting his head on my knee.
“I realized today that I did exactly what I set out to do when I left Annandale; I wanted to prove that I could be the fiercest bitch in the land, doing makeup without it mattering that I was a guy” I explained, running my fingers through Freddie’s hair. “It wasn’t as fun as it used to be, because I know we’re going into the busy season and I couldn’t get my mind off how I’d deal with working through fashion week without you here for me because you have your own life you have to get back to. I don’twantto go through all that. I want to do something that’ll allow me to be the one who takes care of Sophia after school and puts her to bed on the nights when you’re closing. I want to make you dinner, even though I’m a horrible cook, because you deserve to have someone taking care of you, too.”
“I want that too,” Freddie admitted with a sigh. He turned his head and kissed the inside of my thigh. “I want all of it but I was too scared to say it, because I didn’t want you resenting me down the road for pushing you to a life that wasn’t yours.”
