“I’m one hundred percent positive.” I hated that I still glanced over my shoulder before leaning in to tenderly kiss Peter on the lips, but it wasn’t long ago I was still firmly in the closet. Some of the parents who came here were familiar with my ex, and I really didn’t want to be the subject of the next gossip train. “I’m probably crazy for admitting this, but I’m starting to think there’s nowhere you couldn’t convince me to go with you.”
12
Peter
The weeks leadingup to our vacation, if you could call it that, flew by. The morning of our departure, I wasn’t sure who was more nervous, Freddie at the prospect of leaving Sophia alone with his mama while we were gone or me for worrying about what Freddie would think when he saw the life I led back home. What he’d seen so far was a tame version of the Peter Agnelli the rest of the world knew. I loved my life in New York, but there were some things I couldn’t explain to Freddie no matter how hard I tried.
While Freddie finished getting Sophia dressed, I loaded our suitcases into the back of his car. Frankie was meeting us at Mama’s house so he could drive us to the train station. Freddie had tried convincing me to let him buy plane tickets, but I couldn’t justify the expense. That was a better excuse than admitting I hated flying. My fear would always hold back my career; it meant turning down opportunities on the West Coast because I couldn’t bring myself to sit in a plane for that many hours.
“What do you say we trade places?” Freddie flopped down on the couch with an exasperated sigh. “She’s insisting on having her hair braided and if I keep trying we’ll be lucky if she doesn’t need a haircut before we leave.”
“Come on, it can’t be that bad,” I quipped. Knowing Freddie, it absolutely could be that bad. The man got an A for effort but he couldn’t get the hang of anything more than a simple ponytail. I felt a pang of regret that I’d spoiled Sophia with some of the complex styles I enjoyed but didn’t have the expertise to do professionally. Freddie glared at me with one cocked eyebrow. I held up my hands in surrender, already backing out of the room. “Okay fine, now that I’ve got everything loaded into the car, I suppose you can sit on the couch while I finish your chores too.”
“You act like it’s a hardship.” It wasn’t, and that’s part of what frightened me. I’d never given a thought to having a family of my own, but that’s exactly what I had here. In the mornings, I was just as likely to get up with Sophia as Freddie was. She and I had our own routine, allowing Freddie to get more sleep than he was accustomed to, which led to him being in a better mood most days.
Twenty minutes later, Sophia proclaimed her hair was Peter-perfect and scolded us to hurry up as if we were the reason she was late getting to her Nonna’s. Freddie chatted with her the entire ride. To someone who didn’t know him it might seem like he was trying to keep Sophia’s mind off our impending departure, but I knew better. He was the one who was struggling. Sophia seemed excited about spending some quality time with her Nonna, including a major school shopping trip.
I hated that I wouldn’t be here for her first day of school. It was stupid and I knew that, but it was a huge milestone for her and I wanted to be a part of it. I wasn’t sure I’d be welcome for the occasion anyways, when Freddie and I still hadn’t solidified any sort of label for our relationship. It wasn’t fair of me to ask for a commitment when I was still tied to New York, which was why I hoped to figure out how to commute when needed by the end of the year. It was the only way Freddie and I stood a chance of making this work.
When we got to Mama’s house, she was standing on the front porch waiting for us. Even though Sophia typically preferred I help her out of her booster seat, I left that task for Freddie and opened the trunk to take out Sophia’s suitcase. I stopped briefly on the front porch, bending down to give Mama a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. “You’re a good boy, Peter Agnelli. You make sure you take care of my son while you’re up in that big city. I’d better get him back in one piece.”
Her praise made me uncomfortable yet warm all at the same time. The first few weeks I’d been home, I tried spending time with my own family, hoping time had healed all wounds. When it became apparent nothing had changed, that my father couldn’t accept me for who I was and my sister still blamed me for the closure of our family business, I began distancing myself. I still saw Maria frequently, but it was always either at Freddie’s house or out in public. She didn’t pressure me to spend time with the rest of them, and I got the impression she envied my freedom.
“I promise I’ll take good care of him, Mama.” A flush crept up my cheeks as I’d never admit to Mama all the ways I planned to take care of him.
“And don’t think you’re going to woo him into moving my grandbaby up there,” she scolded me.
“Mama, I’m pretty sure that’s the least of your worries.” Freddie reassured her. If it wasn’t for the fact Freddie still hadn’t expressly told his mom we were together, I would’ve leaned over and kissed him full on his lips for rescuing me. “I already told you I’m going to spend a few days up there with him and I’ll be back middle of next week.”
“You say that now, but I don’t want you getting it in your head that you can take off and move up there,” she reiterated.
“Don’t you worry about that.” Freddie draped an arm over Mama’s shoulder and kissed the side of her head. “If anything could have gotten me to move away from here, I’d have gone long ago. The problem is I like my life way too much. I even love working with my brothers for some stupid reason, so you’re all stuck with me.”
I eased my way past mother and son, into the house. Sophia had already told me which room was hers at Nonna’s house, amazed when I told her that was the room her daddy used to sleep in. She knew on some level we’d been friends when we were kids, but her young mind never connected the dots that that meant I knew such details.
Memories flooded my brain with every step up the stairs of the Marino home. Both sides of the upstairs hallway were lined with pictures of each of the boys in chronological order. I paused when I reached the end of the hall, taking in images from after I’d left town. My chest felt heavy when I saw the scowl in later images of Freddie, not wanting to think I might’ve been part of the reason he no longer smiled.
Stepping into Freddie’s childhood bedroom was a level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. Little had changed since last time I’d been here. Freddie’s double bed was still shoved against the far wall, covered with a simple blue quilt. The bookshelf was still filled with an eclectic combination of fiction and nonfiction books.
I could still hear Freddie and Mama talking downstairs, so I placed Sophia’s suitcase on the bed and opened it. I had no doubt Mama was more than capable of unpacking Sophia’s clothes, but she was already doing us a huge favor by watching Sophia while we were gone. I laughed at some of the wardrobe choices because it was obvious our little Miss Sophia had her very own unique fashion sense. I did the best I could to lay out outfits that would go together and hoped for the best. I opened the closet door, hoping to find some empty hangers small enough to fit her clothes. As I pushed the clothes that were hanging to one end, my eyes caught on a ratty purple sweatshirt tucked away at the back.
I bent down and pulled it out of the closet, staring in awe when I realized what I was holding. It was my old high school sweatshirt, the one I saved up my own money to buy because Papa refused to buy me a drama club sweatshirt. In his words, drama was for sissies and he didn’t raise no sissy.
I startled when a warm hand pressed against my sides. Freddie rested his head on my shoulder and kissed the side of my neck. “Do you make a habit of snooping through closets in other people’s houses?”
I knew he wasn’t angry, but I was still embarrassed because he’d caught me. “That depends. Do you make a habit of stealing other people’s clothes?”
When I turned around, Freddie looked nervous. He wouldn’t meet my eyes as he led me over to the edge of the bed. “This is probably going to sound stupid, but I’m learning that happens a lot when I’m around you.”
“Hey now, what’s that supposed to mean?” I elbowed him in the ribs, not hard enough to hurt but definitely hard enough to get his attention.
“You have this way of getting me to say whatever’s on my mind without thinking about it too much.” He picked at the fabric of the shorts, still refusing to make eye contact with me.
I crooked a finger under his chin, forcing him to lift his gaze. “You know I was just kidding right? I’m not really pissed that you took my sweatshirt.”
“In my defense, I didn’t steal it. You left it here. But when you left, it was the only thing I had to remember you by.”
My heart melted a bit. All this time, I’d been struggling to believe Freddie felt anything for me like what I had felt for him when we were kids, but the evidence was in my hands. It was sweet he’d held onto this as a memento of the time we shared. “If that’s how you really felt why is it collecting dust in the bottom of the closet at your mama’s house?”
