When Mama approached me, strongly suggesting I consider leaving Sophia with her so I could have a bit of adult time, I started wondering how much my family had figured out about what was really happening between Peter and me. I didn’t think they were stupid, but I still hadn’t been able to figure out a time to sit down and talk to all of them, to explain to them who I really was, how long I’d known I was bisexual, and admit to them I was in love with the boy next door.
Mama would probably be overjoyed. Peter had always been her favorite little kid in the neighborhood. Even though she had five boys of her own, she always treated Peter like he was the sixth. If not for Frankie coming out last year and seeing how well she’d accepted him being gay and in love with Calvin I might be worried, but it seemed she’d done a lot of soul-searching and adamantly believed unconditional love didn’t end because of who your child fell in love with.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” I said to no one in particular as I worked on making dinner. Peter sat in the breakfast nook looking at something on his laptop, and Sophia was in the other room watching yet another Peter Pan movie. I was surprised, but in the past few weeks, she’d branched out and started watching other movies, typically falling back on her old favorites when something was bothering her.
Peter looked up as he closed the lid of his laptop, giving me his full attention. He slid a pair of trendy glasses off the bridge of his nose and placed them on the table next to him. “What’s up?”
“My brothers ganged up on me and told me that I need to find a week I can take off of work,” I told him. “And then Mama suggested–and by suggested, I mean she told me in no uncertain terms–I should leave Sophia with her and enjoy some adult time.”
That got Peter’s attention. He quickly crossed the kitchen and hopped up on the counter next to where I was cutting vegetables. It annoyed the hell out of me when anyone else sat on a food prep surface, but when Peter did it I knew he was trying to be as close to me as possible, and that did funny things to my insides. “Do you think she knows about us?” I nodded. “And is that okay with you? You seem pretty calm.”
“Even if she is upset about it, there’s nothing I can do about it. But you have to understand that my family isn’t like yours.” That came out worse than I’d intended. Peter’s chin trembled, and he gave a subtle nod as he stared at something out the back windows of the house. I set down the knife and wrapped my hands around his waist. “I’m sorry, babe. I wasn’t trying to be an ass, but now that Papa is gone, Mama is much more liberal in her beliefs. Frankie made some really stupid choices because he didn’t feel like he could come out to the family even though I’m pretty sure all of us had our suspicions. And Mama completely accepts both Calvin and his son Ryan as part of the family now.”
“But what does that have to do with you?”
“It’ll be easier for me because everybody’s gone through the initial shock of finding out that one of the boys in the family isn’t straight,” I explained, leaning in for a quick kiss to emphasize the point. If there had ever been any doubt in my mind I was attracted to men, Peter had eradicated it the very first time I tasted him. “And if anyone asks why I didn’t come out sooner, I can explain honestly that it was a nonissue for a long time. When I was married, I took my vows seriously. Yes, the attraction was still there, but it wasn’t like I was going to do anything about it, so I didn’t see any reason to tell anyone.”
“And now you do?” Peter slid his hand under the hem of my T-shirt rubbing his thumb back and forth along my side.
My mouth went dry when I considered what I was about to do. Peter had been here almost three months and showed no signs he wanted to leave. Every time he got a call for a potential assignment he turned it down with a recommendation for another makeup artist, telling the client he was still trying to deal with family issues back home. That was nothing more than an excuse at this point. Maria was more vibrant than I’d seen her in years, and in the past couple weeks, when she’d come over to our house, she seemed truly happy. And yes, I thought of my house as our house now, because I didn’t ever want Peter to leave.
“I’d like to think I do,” I admitted. A pit formed in my stomach as I surveyed his expression, looking for any hint of reaction from him.
He scooted closer to the edge of the counter, wrapping his legs around the back of my thighs. He nuzzled his face against my neck, peppering my skin with kisses. “And what might that reason be?”
I took a few deep breaths, trying to work up the courage to say those three little words to him. With everything I went through with Angela, it was even harder for me to admit what I was feeling to Peter. I knew that was unfair to him because they were very different people at the core but it didn’t make it any easier for me to bare my soul.
“Probably because I’ve gotten used to having you around,” I admitted, my heart twisting because I hadn’t been able to say what was truly on my mind. “And maybe it’s unfair of me to say it to you because I know eventually you’re going to have to get back to your life, but I don’t want you to leave. I want to keep living in this bubble where I know you’re going to be here every night when I get home. I like knowing that Sophia can go to sleep in her own bed and I don’t have to drag her out in the middle of the night when I close.”
Peter braced my face in his hands, holding me firmly enough to keep me from looking away. He leaned in, brushing his lips to mine, before whispering, “I’ve gotten used to being here too.”
“Daddy! Why are you kissing Peter?” Sophia squealed, racing across the room, trying to pull me off “her Peter.” We’d been so careful so far, making sure Sophia never questioned our relationship, but a split-second of carelessness was enough for her to catch us. “Does this mean you’re like Uncle Frankie now? Do you like to kiss boys? Does this mean you don’t like to kiss girls anymore?”
Peter busted out laughing while I stammered over my response. I’d been trying to figure out how to come out to my family, but somehow I never considered how to come out to my own child. The last thing I wanted was her thinking my relationship with her mother was a lie or that we split up was because I could never love Angela the way I could fall in love with a man. Still, I wasn’t comfortable talking with Sophia about who I wanted to kiss, male or female.
“No sweetie, I’m not like Uncle Frankie. Yes, I like kissing boys, but I also like kissing girls.” That was the simplest explanation I could give without explaining different sexual identities to her, which I wasn’t ready to do. “Did you have any other questions?”
Sophia shook her head. I couldn’t believe how easily she accepted my answer. She ran back in the other room, apparently having forgotten whatever brought her in here in the first place.
“Well that was fun,” I quipped, blowing out a deep breath.
“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure we didn’t scandalize her too badly.” While that was true, it seemed neither Peter nor I were eager to get back to what we’d been doing. He hopped off the counter and asked what he could help with. I waved him off, telling him to go back to his emails. He sat back at the table in the breakfast nook but didn’t open his laptop. Instead he looked up at me, hands folded in front of him on top of the table. “Were you serious about the two of us getting out of town for a bit?”
“Yeah… I mean, if Mama is willing to take Sophia for a weekend, it makes sense for the two of us to take advantage of the uninterrupted time together.” After I said the words, I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake. Having an entire weekend alone with Peter, without any distractions, wasn’t going to make it any easier for me to say goodbye when he eventually left.
“Okay, so this probably isn’t exactly what you were thinking, but I have a proposition for you.” Peter tapped his fingers on the laptop cover. I could tell he was nervous by the way his knee bounced under the table. “I just got an offer this morning for a short-term gig. I could pass it off to someone else but if I keep doing that, eventually they’ll cut out the middleman and offer these jobs to other makeup artists. What would you say about the two of us going up to New York?”
“You’re right. That’s not what I was thinking at all,” I admitted. I’d imagined heading south maybe, renting a condo on the beach or something like that. I’d never say it to Peter because I knew how much he loved the city, but New York held zero appeal to me ever since Angela left. It was irrational, but I doubted I’d ever shake the feeling that New York held something Sophia and I could never compete with.
“I’m sorry,” Peter apologized. “I knew it was a long shot, but I’d really like to show you around the place I’ve called home since I left.”
As much as I didn’t want to, I owed Peter an explanation. I turned off the heat on the saucepan and sat across from him at the table. After a few calming breaths, I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at him as I admitted my fears. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I appreciate that you want to show me the city and that you want to share that piece of your life with me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to go there yet. When Angela left, that’s where she was headed.Everytime she left that’s where she went.”
“What do you mean every time she left?” Peter reached out and took my hand.
“I mean exactly what I said,” I told him. Having to admit the way I’d let her walk all over me, I felt like an even bigger fool, but Peter deserved the truth. As I explained how she acted as if our house had a revolving door for the last year of our marriage, Peter grew more agitated.
By the time I was done, he was clenching his jaw to keep from interrupting me. “What a bitch!”
