“You’re right. I didn’t do it for the money,” I admitted. Max cocked his head to the side, appearing even more confused now. He motioned for me to continue with my explanation. “I guess the easiest way to explain it is I got off on the power exchange of it all. If a dude paid me, that meant he was the customer, and the customer’s always right.”
“Dude, that’s the oldest lie in the service industry handbook.”
“True, but if I was being logical, do you really think I’d have done it at all?” Now that I’d promised myself I wouldn’t go back to doing stupid, illegal shit just for the headspace it put me into, I often questioned how I’d managed to talk myself into doing it in the first place. Doing it when I was a college kid trying to prove I didn’t need anyone’s help and wanted a “safe” way to explore my sexuality was one thing, but as Max pointed out, I didn’t need that now. I wasn’t going to get rich anytime soon, but I wasn’t digging in the couch for change, either. I had a family who loved me and probably would even when they found out I was gay. Why keep doing something that could take all that away with one wrong pickup?
“Good point. You keep talking about… that… in past tense. Does that and your absence from the bar mean you’ve moved on? Maybe found a healthier, sexier, way to get what you needed?” Max popped a game out of its case, loaded it, and tossed me a controller. It was strange to see how he made himself at home in Calvin’s space. It’d taken me over a month to stop feeling like I was a guest in his home.
“Yeah, but if you don’t mind keeping that to yourself, I’d appreciate it,” I told him. I really needed to get together with my brothers and come out to all of them. My plan was to tell them first because then I’d know how many of them had my back when I finally told Mama.
“Cool. I’m happy for you.” And just like that, Max let the subject drop.
We wound up playing a first-person shooter game until nearly eleven. Calvin still wasn’t home, but I knew he’d soon send a goodnight text message, so Max and I got to a stopping point and I walked him to the door. “Thanks for inviting me over. It was good to hang when I’m not working. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
“I won’t,” I promised him. As soon as Max pulled away from the curb, I locked the door behind me and went to bed.
14
Calvin
Stopping for lunch.Should be home by seven. Could you handle dinner?
“Dad, you can’t bitch at me for having my phone glued to my palm if you’re just as addicted,” Ryan teased while we waited for lunch to arrive. I quickly pocketed my phone so I could give him my full attention.
“Watch the language,” I scolded him. I was pretty lax, knowing that kids would be kids, but Marisa had a conniption every time she heard him curse. “And sorry, I was letting Frankie know when we’ll be home. If you’re lucky, he’ll ask his brother to put together something for dinner.”
“That’d be cool, but doesn’t he cook?” The waitress dropped off our meals, and I was pretty sure Ryan had the burger in his mouth before she’d set his plate in front of him. He was always ravenous after hockey, and this new team was faster and stronger than his previous ones, meaning he acted like he hadn’t been fed in weeks.
“He does, but not much.” One night over a meal Frankie watched me prepare and begrudgingly helped with, he admitted he’d learned to hate cooking as a teen. His mom stretched herself too thin trying to help at the restaurant while still being expected to care for the kids, so she’d tried getting everyone involved in meal prep whether they wanted to or not. He didn’t mind breakfast as much because that was the meal he was never forced to help with.
Ryan dragged a French fry through a sea of ketchup until it was so saturated the limp fry broke as he lifted it to his mouth. I watched him repeat the process with another and another. The entire time, he never looked up.
“Is something wrong?”
He paused, dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, and tossed the crumpled napkin on top of his plate. “We’re pretty close, right?”
“Of course.” My heart rate increased and my mind raced with all the possible revelations he was about to lay on me. My brain kept getting caught on him getting a girl knocked up. I had no logical explanation for that fear, other than I heard the way some of his hockey buddies talked when they didn’t think parents were listening. It was terrifying.
“Dude, you’re gonna stroke out.” Ryan laughed and shook his head. “I don’t even know what you’re worrying about, but I think I’m offended. I was sort of wondering what’s going on with you and Frankie. You seem… closer lately. Are you a couple?”
Okay, on the spectrum of talks he wanted to have this was about the best possible outcome, but it still made me uncomfortable. Frankie and I hadn’t talked about what we’d say to our friends and family beyond Max and Eli. I didn’t want to lie to my son, but I also didn’t want a pissed off boyfriend if shit went sideways and Ryan reacted poorly.
“We’ve been seeing each other, yes,” I admitted. If Frankie was upset about Ryan knowing we’d deal with it, but I’d made a promise to myself when Marisa and I split that I was through with lying. Ryan hadn’t been happy when I came out to him, but he’d gotten over it. Seeing how supportive his mother was helped pave the way to his acceptance. “Is that okay with you?”
“Yeah, sure.” Ryan shrugged. “I’m more pissed that you didn’t say anything sooner.”
“Sorry. No matter who I’m with, that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you after the first date,” I explained. Hell, Marisa and her fiancé had been together months before she told Ryan they were dating. I knew because she’d needed me to step up and have Ryan at my place more frequently, but that wasn’t a hardship. When she worried she was being a shit mom because she was spending time with Jack and dumping Ryan on me, I was quick to point out she was agreatmom because she wasn’t parading what could be a temporary part of their lives around. Now, I was trying to live by the same principle.
“But not everyone lives in the same house as you. Would’ve been nice to have some warning that you two were getting freaky, but nooooo, I had to overhear that shit when I just wanted to take a leak in the middle of the night.” My cheeks were on fire with embarrassment. I’d convinced myself that he’d been passed out the entire time we were screwing around that night. “And you might wanna get some lube for the hinges if he’s going to keep sneaking into your room at night. Seriously, you two suck at keeping things covert.”
If I could crawl under the table and hide, I would have. Never in my wildest dreams had I envisioned a life where my teenage son was schooling me on the finer details of being in a relationship. And why in the hell had he mentioned lube? Ugh. Shoot me now.
And because this moment wasn’t awkward enough, my phone chose that moment to ping.
Frankie:I’ll ask, but he’s in a mood today. Might be safer to pick up Thai tonight.
Me:That’s fine. Don’t want to cause any issues. Thank you.
Frankie:Anytime. Drive safe. X
