“Yeah, but none of that applies to me. I’m nowhere near retirement,” I insisted. “And I’m happy. I like my life.’
Even I didn’t believe the words I was saying.
“Doyou? Because I saw what you were like when Emilia was around. You were actually smiling and laughing. Now you’re downright fucking miserable, and the only reason I can point to for it is the break-up.”
As much as I was hoping to surf my unhappiness away, it was like the ocean was conspiring to keep me trapped in the conversation with my brother. There was barely a ripple for miles and I didn’t have a long board.
“I’m fine,” I repeated.
Harrison made a frustrated noise. “We are all so goddamned similar it’s a crime. Trying to power through the hard times solo is pointless, especially when you have a support system right here.”
“Oh yeah?” I couldn’t help pushing back. “Let’s not forget all those years when we’d go months at a time without speaking. I still need to get used to this new happy Ashford family shit, so forgive me ifyou’re not the first person I think to call when I’m going through shit.”
The brother I knew would have told me to go fuck myself and I deserved it.
“The problem is that you don’t callanyone,” Harrison pointed out. “And I get it—I do. We’re all like that, in our own ways. I shut down when things get more emotional than I can handle, Logan micromanages to make himself feel better, and Dad pulls away and then tells himself he’s helping by not ‘burdening’ anyone, which leads us to shitshows like him keeping us all in the dark with that cancer scare.”
“God, that wassucha shitshow,” I groaned.
“I know, right? But he learned his lesson from that, and these days, he’strying. He sees where he fell short and he’s doing his best to make up for it.”
I glanced over my shoulder at the growing swell traveling our way. “Heads up.”
“Nope, it’s going to mush out. We’re not moving.”
As predicted, what looked like a rideable wave fell flat and barely even shifted us.
“Anyway, as I was saying, Dad finally recognized that he’d made mistakes, and now he’s not only trying to make up for them, he wants to make sure we don’t make the same ones.”
“Yeah, because ofCandace,” I said, uncomfortably aware that I sounded like a grumpy teenager.
“I’m not totally comfortable with the idea of her either, but he and I have been talking more lately, and it’s given me a lot of new insight. I hadn’t realized how long he’d been living with regrets. I’m not sure I agree with all the choices he’s making, but I do think that facing yourmistakes head onisthe right choice. More than that, it’s brave. There aren’t many people out there willing to admit when they’ve landed on the wrong path.” A beat. “I know that firsthand.”
“What do you mean?”
Harrison was staring at the shoreline, like he didn’t want to face me as he grappled with his own demons.
“I came close to making the biggest mistake of my life because of my fucked up view on relationships. I almost let Gwen slip away.”
“Harrison,” I sighed. “I know what you’re trying to do. Let’s not.”
He swiveled the board so that he was facing me. I swore the guy must’ve scheduled our session for the absolute worst time for surfing, because the water was glass. There was no escaping the brotherly beatdown to come.
“No, we’re going there, because there are only a few people in this world who can talk sense into you, and I like to think that I’m one of them. You keep telling yourself that it’s easier to be alone. I felt the same way, until Gwen came into my life and showed me how wrong I was. Do we have our tough times? Hell yeah, we bump heads plenty, because have you met her?”
I laughed despite my frustration with him. There was no denying Gwen was a spitfire. It was one of my favorite things about her. She also didn’t take any shit from Harrison. The only other woman to behave like that was Emilia. From the very moment we met, she called me on my shit. Well, more like she accused me of hating dogs, which I don’t. Not really. But as it turns out, I liked turtles better. Well, tortoises... andonetortoise in particular.
“But Drew, none of those spats matter. She’s my world. Gwen makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. And now with a baby on the way?” His mouth went tight and he shook his head in disbelief,like he was trying to contain his emotions. “And we’ve got the world’s best dog, too. How did I get so fucking lucky?”
“Well, I guess you’ve got it all figured out. Lucky you,” I said, hoping my envy didn’t come through.
I glanced over my shoulder towards the flat open water again. Mother Nature sure wasn’t on my side.
“Drew, come on. It’s not like it was an easy journey for us. I lived through what you’re facing right now. We split up, remember? I’ve been there, and I know firsthand that it sucks.”
“It’s no big deal,” I insisted weakly. I have my work.
“Oh yeah, I can totally see that,” he laughed at me in that annoying ‘big brother knows all’ way. “Come on, it’s obvious you’re miserable. What’s the roadblock that’s stopping you from admitting it? Pride? Fuck pride! It’ll never keep you warm at night. Fear? I get that it can be scary to put your heart out there, to try for something real and know how much pain you’re risking if it all ends up falling apart. But you’ve never let fear hold you back before. Don’t be an idiot. You can’t let a good thing like what you had with Emilia slip away.”
