The question caught me off guard. I'd been so busy tallying all the ways Joel wasn't what I needed that I'd forgotten to ask myself if he was what I wanted.
"I don't know," I said. It was more honest than anything I'd told myself in months.
"Then you find out." He squeezed once and let go. "Come inside. It's almost midnight."
The countdown started at 11:58. The whole club pressed toward the front, everyone facing the big screen where the numbers ticked down. Ro had found Chase again, and the smaller man was tucked against his side like he'd been designed to fit there.
I stood a few feet away with a fresh drink I wasn't tasting.
The clock showed thirty seconds, then twenty. The crowd started chanting.
Ten, nine, eight.
I pulled out my phone.
Seven, six, five.
The screen was dark. Three days since his last text, which was better than the three weeks I'd gotten used to, but still.
Four, three, two.
I typed two words and hit send before I could talk myself out of it.
Miss you.
One.
The club exploded. Confetti fell from somewhere in the ceiling. People were kissing, hugging, screaming. Ro had lifted Chase off the ground entirely and was spinning him in slow circles while Chase laughed and held on.
My phone buzzed.
It wasn't a promise. It wasn't an apology for the weeks of silence or a guarantee that he wouldn't disappear again byJanuary 2nd. It was just Joel, reaching out on a night that mattered, in the only way he seemed to know how.
I sent a kiss emoji back.
Three dots appeared on the screen. Then they disappeared. Then nothing.
I stood there in the middle of the confetti with my phone in my hand, watching people celebrate around me. Ro was still holding Chase, but they'd stopped spinning. They were just standing there now, foreheads pressed together, swaying to music that had shifted into something slower.
Joel had texted back. After everything I'd just realized about us, after watching Ro and Chase and understanding what I couldn't have with him, Joel had texted back.
It didn't change anything. He was still going to disappear. He was still going to run hot and cold and leave me checking my phone like an idiot. Knowing that didn't make the wanting go away.
Ro caught my eye across the dance floor. He raised his eyebrows in a question, and I gave him a thumbs up that probably looked as unconvincing as it felt. He nodded anyway and went back to swaying with Chase.
The club was starting to thin out. Couples were leaving in pairs, heading home to do whatever people did after midnight on New Year's Eve. I finished my drink and set the empty glass on a table already crowded with empties.
My phone buzzed again.
The drive home was quiet. Ro had offered to drop me off since I'd had a few beers and he'd stuck to water after his first one. Chase was in the back seat, already half asleep against the window.
"Good night?" Ro asked.
"Yeah." The neon blurred past, the strip still glowing even at two in the morning. "Thanks for dragging me out."
"You needed it."
He wasn't wrong. I'd needed to see Ro and Chase together. I'd needed to understand what I was actually missing, and why.
