“I’m not willing to.”
Her arms dropped to her sides. She stared into his eyes with that electric-blue gaze of hers and he felt that she was peering deep into his soul. He hoped that she didn’t really see into that bottomless well because he’d seen too much in this lifetime. Things he never wanted her to know about. She sighed and then nodded.
“Okay, then.”
She walked around him to the front door and opened it. The sun was coming up over the horizon and the neighbors were out walking their dogs and getting ready for work. A perfect normal morning and yet he felt shell-shocked. As if he’d just withstood a barrage of enemy fire.
He wanted to pat down his body and look forholes but he knew exactly where the pain was coming from. He crossed the small hallway of her house and when he got to the threshold he knew that if he took one more step he’d never be welcomed back here again.
He was afraid of that step and hesitated. If he thought there was a way that he could have her and keep her for the rest of his life he wouldn’t do this but he couldn’t see it.
“Have a good life, Jay,” she said. “I hope you find some peace.”
He nodded, and as soon as he was outside on her front porch he heard the door close behind him with a finality that echoed down to his boots.
THREE DAYS LATERJay went to the enlistment office on base to sign his papers, but the entire time his heart felt heavy and Alysse’s words kept ringing in his ears. Was he afraid to change?
The weather didn’t seem to notice his mood and stayed sunny and temperate as if to shame him with his own black thoughts. He missed Alysse more than he’d thought he would. He hadn’t had a single night’s sleep since he’d left her because he kept waking up to search for her.
Hell, he knew that was partly why he was right back here. This was the one place in the world that he trusted. Then he admitted that wasn’t true anymore. He trusted himself when he was with Alysse and he should never have left her.
In fact, he loved her. He’d been in love with her for the last four years. He’d struggled to keep his distance from her only because he’d never felt good enough for her. He still wasn’t sure that he was good enough for her, but the way she’d fought with him had told him that he was the man she wanted.
But leaving the way he had... Trying to sneak out on her again. He hoped he hadn’t killed her love for him. It was going to be impossible to win her back. He knew he could do it because she loved him, but he had to plan it. And do a better job than he had when he’d called her to the beach at the Hotel Del Coronado.
The first thing he did was to sign his separation papers for the Marines. Then he left Pendleton and headed toward the offices of Company B. Someone who worked as hard as Alysse deserved a man—a husband who worked just as hard, if not harder.
He pulled into the parking lot and felt a moment of sheer terror as he realized he’d left the only home he’d had since turning eighteen. To be honest, he hadn’t had a home since his mother had left when he was eight. His dad had never been good with people, a trait Jay guessed had been passed on to him. But he was damned sure he was going to be good with Alysse. And he’d do everything in his power to make sure they were never apart again.
“You okay, Jay?” Lucien asked, coming out of the offices of Company B and standing next to Jay on his bike.
“No. I’m not. I just left the Corps.” Oh, man. He was unsure of this decision as soon as he said the words out loud, but then he thought of going home to Alysse every night and some of the tension eased.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Lucien asked.
“It’s going to be a very good thing if I can convince you to give me a job,” Jay said.
“It’s yours, buddy. I wanted you to work with me from the beginning,” Lucien said. “Come inside and we can get the contract drawn up and have you sign it.”
Jay got off his bike and followed Lucien inside. “So what made you decide it was time to go private-sector?” Lucien asked him.
“Alysse,” Jay said. He wasn’t ever going to be comfortable talking about his personal life, but in this instance he didn’t mind sharing it with Lucien. “I want to marry her again and do everything right this time.”
“Good for you. Got an idea of how to propose?”
“No,” Jay said. “And I screwed up so I have to win her back.”
“Can I help?” Lucien asked.
“Be my best man?”
“I will.”
It took forty-five minutes to get the contract drawn up and for Jay to sign all the paperwork that was needed. When he left the Company B offices he was an official employee.
Next on his list was a call to Toby. He needed Alysse’s family on his side if he had any chance of pulling off his plan. He knew he’d never be able to trick her to the beach twice, and it was very important to him that he have all the details right this time. He wanted her to know how much she meant to him.
“Hello, this is Dresden.”
