He stepped back and looked at her and she easily read the anguish in his eyes.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you again,” he said.
It bothered her more than she wanted to admit that he knew that he’d hurt her but somehow hadn’t been able to see that she loved him.
“Is that really your only regret?” she asked.
“No, but we don’t have time for me to list them all,” he said, turning and walking toward the door.
“Coward,” she said. “There’s no pride in walking away now. You are just proving that you aren’t all you can be.”
“That’s the army slogan,” he said.
“I don’t care whose it is. You pride yourself on being a soldier, a warrior, but you don’t have the guts to stay and fight for something you said you wanted. Or have you changed your mind?”
JAY HADN’T EXPECTED Alysse tolet him just walk out the door but he didn’t expect this amount of anger. Why not? Was he that insensitive that he’d missed something important here? He knew that she’d been hoping—hell, he knew nothing. She was still a big mystery to him and it seemed as if she always would be.
“I’m not a coward. I’m doing this for you,” he said.
“For me?” she asked, the incredulity in her voice enough to make him take a step back toward her.
“Yes, for you. Do you think I like knowing that even though you are with me I’m not the man you want? Do you think I like seeing disappointment in your eyes?”
“No. I never meant for you to feel that way,” she said. “I can work on that.”
She could try, but it wouldn’t change the fact that he was always going to be who he was inside and she couldn’t change that or accept it. He needed to make this break and never come back here again. He needed to walk away and keep Alysse tucked safely into his memories.
“You can’t. We’ve been trying to build something out of nothing here. That’s my fault. I’m sorry this didn’t work out better.”
“Sure,” she said. “I guess it doesn’t matter if I love you.”
His heart stopped beating for a second. No one in his adult life had uttered those words to him and he wanted to hold them close and hold her close. Was there a way he could make this work? Could he be the man she needed him to be?
He’d thought about the job with Lucien but to be honest he was afraid to risk it and find that he couldn’t stomach the job. He was a mess and had not been in the right place to start up his relationship with Alysse again. He’d made a mistake but he couldn’t bring himself to say those words out loud.
She watched him carefully, he suspected she was looking for some kind of sign that he’d figure out how to work this through, but he was tired of keeping them both on this roller coaster. He just wasn’t the right kind of man for the long haul. It didn’t matter that he felt like he should want something more. He was too afraid to go after what it was he wanted. He deserved the moniker of coward that she’d given him.
“Your love is a gift I will treasure forever,” he said.
She shook her head. “No, you won’t. You’ll shove it deep down inside you so you don’t have to deal with it. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t show you that life is more than your missions.”
But she had. And that was the part that scared him. He stalked back over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Of course I saw that. Do you think I don’t crave this idyllic life with everyfiber of my being?”
“Then why are you leaving?”
“Because I know how quickly this can be taken away. You know who makes the biggest sacrifices in Afghanistan?”
She shook her head.
“Those with the most to lose. Those with spouses and kids back home. It’s never the loners. And I’ve been shown a lot of karma in this life. Who’s to say if I try to make this work that we will have a lifetime together?”
“No one can guarantee that. No one,” she said.
She lifted her hand toward him, brushing her fingers over his brow. Then down the side of his face.
“I’m willing to take the chance, Jay.”
He knew he could make this easy on himself. Just open his arms and draw her into them. Pretend for her sake that everything would be okay. But he couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to cause her more pain by staying. And a part of him was sure he would. Or worse—he’d stay and she’d realize that the love she thought she had for him wasn’t real. He didn’t want to leave her. Hell, he wasn’t an idiot. It was just that he knew that by going now he’d save them a much bigger heartbreak later.
