He was truly a loner and he only knew how to be comfortable in his own skin when he was on a mission in the field with his scout next to him. He liked the world through the view of his scope. It was safer that way. He could control everything when he was looking through the sight.
He knew that his life would always be gray after this, but it was better than attempting to be someone he wasn’t and failing miserably. Better than trying to make things work with Alysse and breaking her heart again, only worse because he’d seen the real woman this time, not the girl on vacation. He slowly turned and looked around her living room before walking through it toward the door.
He had hoped to find answers here and he guessed that he had. He’d hoped that maybe this time he could make their ending different. He knew he was the one who was leaving, but he also knew it was just a matter of time before Alysse knew that he couldn’t be the man she wanted him to be.
He’d got to the foyer when he heard the creak of the bedsprings and knew he could either run out the front door ashe had before or wait and confront her. And he wished he were a stronger man, but he reached for the front door, undoing the deadbolt and turning the handle as quietly as he could.
“Running again?”
Chapter Thirteen
ALYSSEHADGOTTENUSEDTO sleeping with Jay and sleeping lightly enough that when he got out of bed he’d waken her. She’d thought at first that maybe he was just getting a drink of water as he sometimes did, but then, as the time lengthened, she knew he was leaving.
She’d lain there in her bed debating confronting him and suddenly it seemed so cowardly for her to be lying there while he was sneaking out. So she’d gone to confront him and found him standing at the front door with his hand on the handle and her heart broke.
He wasn’t leaving for work or an early meeting, he was leaving for good and they both knew it.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Don’t be. Just tell me why,” she said.
“I think I’m going back into the Corps,” he said.
As if that would explain everything and make this all okay somehow. “Really? Why did you stay last night then? What was that all about?”
She was beyond upset and well into angry now and shewasn’t about to take this sitting down. He was leaving her twice. This was her worst nightmare and here it was coming true. Dammit, she had been planning to be the stronger one this time, why wasn’t she?
“Can we not do this?” he asked. There was something in his expression that she couldn’t read and that bothered her more than she wanted to admit.
“No, we’re doing this,” she said. “The last time I just let you walk out on me. Well, to be honest, I didn’t hear you leave, but even if I had I would have lain there and let you go without a fight. But I’m not willing to do that this time.”
He sighed. It was a heavy one as he finally came toward her. He stopped when there was six inches between them but it might as well have been a gap as big as the Grand Canyon. He was eons away from her and there was nothing she was going to say that would bring him back.
But last night she’d admitted she loved him. Last night he’d been the tender man she’d always dreamed of finding and she wasn’t going to let him throw that all aside. She just didn’t know what she could do to make him stay.
“Leaving isn’t easy for me,” he said. “But I can’t stay. I saw your face last night when we were in the club with Lucien and India. I know that you hope that someday we will be that kind of a couple. But I can’t be like that. I’m always going to be more inward and less social.”
She shook her head. “I never asked you to change.”
“I know that. You won’t do it either. But I’d have to watch you wither and grow disappointed in me because I’m not the man you need me to be.”
She wondered if that were true. But then she realized that even if there were shards of honesty in that statement, the reason he was leaving was more complex. “I don’t believe that’s why you’re sneaking out of here, Jay Michener. You’re leaving because you’re afraid you will like it here. That you’llstart enjoying the life that we could have together. And you’re afraid. Afraid to change and let yourself really feel something.”
“And you’re afraid to just let me go,” he said. “As much as I enjoy being alone, you’re afraid of that very thing. You surround yourself every hour of the day with family and friends, and you have to ask yourself why? What is it you are so afraid of?”
“I don’t see that,” she said. “You’re grasping at straws because if you aren’t looking at a target through the safety of your scope then you don’t let yourself relax. You aren’t living life. You are observing it.”
He looked taken aback. And she felt a twinge of guilt at what she’d said, but there was no hiding from this. He was leaving and there was nothing she could say that would make him stay.
“You may be right,” he said, a sudden quietness in him and in his voice. “But I don’t think I can change. I’m sorry, Aly. I wanted a different ending for us. But I think I was fooling myself into believing I was a different sort of man.”
She closed the gap between them and reached out to touch his beard-stubbled jaw. “You don’t have to be a different man, you just have to be the man you are inside here.”
She drew her hand down his chest and tapped lightly over his heart. She knew that as tough as he was on the outside, Jay was soft inside. And that was why he fought so hard not to let anyone in, even her.
She hugged him because she was going to miss him more than he could ever know. His arms stayed by his sides and she felt her heart break wide open. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t love her and there was nothing she could have done to make herself not love him. She’d thought she could bring her warrior in from battle and show him the beauty of being a part of her community, but he wasn’t ready to give up fighting and she doubtedhe ever would be.
“Goodbye.”
