He wasn’t sure how he’d done it but he knew he’d just hurt Alysse again.
ALYSSE WANTED TOIGNORE Jay but that was exactly what she suspected he wanted her to do. He needed the silence and liked his solitary life. Why was she trying so hard to make him into something he wasn’t?
And shewastrying. She could have just stuck to her original plan and had sex with him every night until he went back to the Marines, but no, she had to have dreams and want more from him.
She was coming to believe that there was no way to cure herself of Jay and find another man, because, in reality, she only wanted him. That fact made her want to cry or scream or maybe punch Jay really hard.
But it was hardly his fault that he couldn’t be what she needed him to be. If she’d been a different kind of woman she could have taken him as he was and been content, but she wasn’t.
She wanted him to blend with her family and to fit in with her friends. Instead, he sat in a lawn chair drinking a beer, watching the game. She was mad at herself because all the growth she’d thought she’d achieved during the last four years was really nothing at all. She’d been fooling herself.
“Why are you glaring at the potato salad?” Staci asked coming up behind her. “I’ve tasted it and it’s good.”
She gave her friend a half smile. “No reason. Just not sure if I should put an ice pack underneath it.”
Liar,she thought. Why didn’t she ever really talk to her friends about her problems? She was just like Jay in that—she had to sort it out herself. Maybe that was part of the reason she was so attracted to him.
“Well, considering you’ve already got two under there I’d say no,” Staci said. Her friend took her arm and turned her toward her. “What’s up?”
Alysse shrugged and fiddled with her sunglasses. She’d been pretending that she and Jay could have a normal life together but this afternoon was just showing her how wrong she’d been. They were different. Not just in little ways but in huge ones. And... “I guess I’m just facing reality.”
“Ha. You are the most grounded person I know,” Staci said, tapping her on the forehead. “You overthink everything. Is that what you’re doing now?”
“Not really. I’m still clinging to a few girlish fantasies that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago,” Alysse said. She didn’t want to admit that she’d been hoping that Jay would completely change and become the kind of man that would suit her life the way it was. That wasn’t Jay. He did his own thing. He had his own strengths and those were what had drawn her to him. But those strengths were also his weaknesses.
“I’m guessing this has something to do with your Marine,” Staci said in her wry tone.
“It has everything to do with him,” Alysse said, wishing that for once her romantic life would be easy. But it never had been. Even in high school she had struggled with dating. Her mom had said that once Alysse was an adult she’d understand what she really wanted from a man but she still hadn’t. “I can’t figure him out.”
Staci threw her head back and laughed. “You are kidding me, right? Men are from another planet. You will never be able to understand why he does whatever it is that is upsetting you.”
Alysse smiled, then felt just a tad melancholy thinking about Staci being up in Los Angeles while she was in San Diego. It was only about a three-hour drive but it would seem a world apart.
“I guess you are right. You know, I’m going to miss you when you’re in L.A.”
Staci hugged her. “I know. But don’t sweat it. I’ll be coming back to visit. And if I get kicked off the show early, I’ll be back for good.”
“I thought you wanted to try something new?” Alysse asked her. She was afraid that she was projecting her vulnerability at the thought of losing her best friend and Jay within a few weeks of each other. And it was beginning to seem more and more that no matter what career path Jay took he’d more than likely not be with her. Different people, different paths.
“I do, but that’s not fair to you. You have to find a new baker and new staff for the front of the shop,” Staci said.
A lot was changing all at once and Alysse had been sort of ignoring it to deal with Jay. But she knew that she couldn’t let the rest of life fall away because of him.
“I can handle it. It’s not that big a deal. And I don’t want you giving up just because you’re worried about me. I’m way stronger than I look,” she said.
That was when she realized that she was putting Jay through a test to see if he’d sacrifice what he wanted for her. Why was she doing that? It was as if she was afraid to trust him.
Hell, shewasafraid of that very thing and had been since she’d stepped onto the beach at the Hotel Del Coronado and found Jay waiting, instead of some stranger. And she knewthat no matter what she did or said, she was never going to be able to treat him like some guy she’d just met.
They would always have their past and she wasn’t able to let that go. She was trying to make him be a part of a life that she wasn’t too sure he’d ever be able to accept. Why?
Because it would be safer for her. If Jay wanted the same things she did, then he wouldn’t leave her and she’d be able to let her guard down around him. Instead, since she was treating him with kid gloves, he was edgy and so was she.
“You should go for it, Staci. Don’t feel like you have to come back to Sweet Dreams. If you want to though, your station in the kitchen will be waiting for you,” she assured herself and her friend.
“Thanks,” Staci said. “It’ll help me out, knowing you’ve got my back. I think that we can invite friends to attend some of the cook-offs. Would you come?”
“Hell to the yeah,” Alysse said, being silly because now that she’d figured out what she was doing to herself and Jay, everything seemed a little brighter.
