I lock the house up, toss my duffel in the car and don’t think twice about heading straight to Pennsylvania.
I drive all night, blasting the angriest music I can play. It doesn’t help, but it’s better than silence.
When I get home to my condo, I collapse on the couch. The cushions aren’t as soft as his and I hate that. The air here is cold, stale. Everything is wrong, but it’s all I have.
I close my eyes and let sleep take me under.
Welcome home, Alex.
Chapter Fifty-One
Jordan
One year later…
“Hey, Jordan!”
I glance over my shoulder as I close the door to my work room.
“Hey, Triss.”
“So, a couple of us are going out for drinks tonight. Do you want to join us?”
She blinks her bright blue eyes at me, a hopeful smile on her face. My answer is going to be the same as it always is, and though I’m sure she knows this, she never stops asking.
“Thanks, but it’s been a long week.”
She nods, her eyes going sad. “If you change your mind, we’ll be at Spinners.”
“Thanks.”
It’s no secret to me, or a couple of the other guys at work, that she’s into me. No fucking clue why, but that isn’t what’s stopping me from accepting her invites. Triss is smart, knows a ton about sports, and she’s hot as hell. But… she’s not Alex. No one will ever be him, and since I royally fucked that up, the rest of my life will be spent in misery.
When I get home, my house is dark. Though it’s been a year since he’s been here, I still walk through the door and look toward the kitchen, like maybe he’ll be there preparing dinner like he did so many times before.
He never is. And it never stops hurting.
I’ve considered moving, but I don’t deserve that. I hurt him, and so I deserve to hurt in return.
I hate how things ended up with us, because I was so sure it wouldn’t be this way. Back then, I was so sure that things with Alex and I were going to work out. That we would be forever. That we could keep moving forward and have a life together. Get down to one house. Tell people about us. Get married. I thought of all those things. Yet, when it came down to making the move, I froze. I panicked. My walls shot up, and I fucking ruined us.
I hate my life the way it is but… this is my life. It’s always been my life. Here in Ashbourne.
Once upon a time, I had plans to leave. To get as far away as I could. Alex gave me the opportunity to do that, and I didn’t take it.
What would have happened if I’d gone with him? Where would we be right now? I can’t even think about it because it hurts too much. My chest aches and then I can’t breathe.
I take a quick shower, and drop onto my couch once I’m in sweats and a t-shirt. It has a permanent dip in the shape of me, and I think it’s time to get a new one, but I swear some spots still smell like him. So, it stays.
There’s never anything to watch on TV, since I avoid sports stations now. Too many times they’re talking about how amazing Alex Brewer is doing since his injury, and at one point they even shouted me out for helping him recover. Kind of fucking crazy to hear my name from the announcer’s mouth, honestly. They talk about Vance sometimes too, and knowing that they could be out there together has me fucking furious. It’s better to not think about it at all, which is why I don’t watch sports anymore. Sucks because I don’t really like anything else. Movies are boring. Shows are boring. I settle on a random channel, just wanting background noise so I don’t feel alone.
My stomach growls, and so I order pizza, putting in directions for them to leave it on the porch. I get an alert forty-five minutes later, while I’m half asleep, that it’sthere. I force myself to get up and get it. I eat half of it, leaving the other half on the island. It’ll be gone before the end of the night.
I do the few dishes in the sink that were left over from the week, and my phone starts pinging. When my hands are dried, I grab it and my stomach drops when I see Alex’s name on the screen.
“What the fuck?” I mutter.
With trembling fingers, I unlock my phone and click on my texts. I feel a bit of relief, but also disappointment, when I see it’s a group chat and not something specifically for me.
