He flinches, but I hold my ground, refusing to let his pain stop me from saying what I need to say. I say the words viciously, hiding behind them like armor, and in a way I guess that’s what they are.
The facts are laid before me.
I was drunk. I was vulnerable. I was taken advantage of by someone I deeply trusted.
Cameron scoffs, glaring at me. “So that’s how you remember it?”
My jaw tenses as I angrily pull my clothes out of the duffel.
No, that’s not how I remember it at all. I remember how good it felt. His pulse hitching when I slammed him against the door, his tongue in my mouth.
My cock twitches at the thought, and it is like a death blow to my heart and my brain.
I want to tell him how much I enjoyed it, but that will solve nothing. In fact, it’ll make everything so much worse. For both of us. And everyone else involved. I have to hurt Cameron now to save him later. To keep him from a life of pain because I can’t be with him. It’s best he knows that now rather than years down the road. Maybe we can salvage our friendship at some point, but I’m not confident that’s possible.
“I trusted you, Cam, and you—”
There is a heavy banging on our door, and we both flinch. It can only be the guys.
Anxiety swells within me, and his glistening eyes burn with pain. Pain I caused.
I’m such a fucking asshole.
“We will never speak about this again,” I say sternly, knowing it’s only a matter of time before my brother and teammates barge in here, and I can’t afford to have Cam saying something.
Not that I think he would, but right now… I’m not so sure. Not with the way he’s looking at me like he’s about to explode.
I’m not so sure of anything at the moment, because it’s like the entire world has flipped upside down.
“Am I being clear?” I say, choking on the sob that wants to escape me. My hands are shaking, because I know nothing will ever be the same. Not now, not ever.
He steels his resolve, lifting his chin and replacing that face of pain with something so much worse.
Apathy.
“Crystal,” he says as he grabs his clothes out of his bag, zipping it angrily as there’s another round of bangs on the door. I watch even though I know I shouldn’t as he walks naked to the bathroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” I ask, my voice cold and bitter, even though it’s more than clear. But I stupidly can’t take my eyes off of him, off the way the sun shines on his tan skin, off his perfect body.
He doesn’t answer me, stopping at the door for a fraction of a second. I note the slight tremble in his shoulders.
I should tell him I’m sorry, I’m an asshole, and he doesn’t deserve this. Or me.
But I don’t. Even though I know if I acknowledged this, and explained exactly how I’m feeling, he would get it. He wouldunderstand. But something about that feels dangerous, so I keep doing the only thing that will work. I keep hurting him.
I don’t move an inch, even though every part of my body wants to.
He throws open the door, slamming it shut and the lock clicks seconds later. I let out a deep breath, running my hands over my eyes.
Alex hollers from the other side of the door as I try to steady my racing breaths and pull myself together. I grab my pants from the floor, not giving two shits if they are clean or not because I need to get dressed and get out of here before I do something I will regret.
Like bust open that bathroom door and tell Cam the truth.
“Coming! Hold your damn horses,” I yell as I pull on a shirt, sliding into my shoes and heading for the door. I fling it open, not bothering to invite anyone in. I feel guilty enough as is, so I slam the door shut, nearly knocking Mack over in the process.
“Fuck you, too, Austen,” Mack gripes as he rubs his shoulder. As if the guy doesn’t take hits ten times worse weekly.
“Sorry,” I bite as I brush past them into the hallway.
