Austen
My pencil glides over the paper with ease, the gloomy haze outside adding to the ambiance of Cam’s bedroom. I was supposed to leave two days ago, but I decided to stay a little longer. I told Cam it was because I wanted to see more of New York, but that was a lie.
Well, not acompletelie, because there’s still a lot I want to see, but that’s not my reason for staying.
I’d made the decision to buy the building—536 Rainy Ave—that night. Yes, I was scared I was making the wrong choice because it needs a lot of work. It won’t be ready for at least a year with all the things that need to be done. Which means I’ll haveto commute for a while. Make frequent trips to oversee the work, which makes leaving to go home a little more palatable.
My pencil shades in the planes of shadows along the sheets that drape over his hip. I trace my lines over and over again, each stroke making the light turn to dark. Some graphite spreads along my forearm; the shapes tattooing themself along my skin as my arm and wrist move of their own accord.
I know I’ll have to go home. But now…
Now I don’t have tostay.
I’ve wanted to tell him for two days, but every time I try, my throat gets tight, my heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach, and I can’t seem to find the words.
It doesn’t help that every time he kisses me my brain becomes absolute mush.
Savannah told me I don’t take risks, and she was right.
But I think I never had anything to risk before, so that’s why I never did. Nothing was ever worth it before.
Cam’s chest rises and falls rhythmically as he tightens his grip on his pillow in his sleep, his dark lashes standing out against his tan skin, his hair messy and sticking out in static tufts from rolling around in the sheets all night.
What would he say? If he knew? Would he think I’m crazy? I mean, I know that was the goal originally, but…
But it’s not about BrewTech. Not really.
Being here, being withhimthese last nine days have been a wake up call.
Savannah was right. It’s not just about the properties.
It’s about what’shere.
It’s about what’s in my heart, what’s been there all along but I was too blind to see before.
But this—Cam and I? It’s still uncharted territory. It’s still… new.
I haven’t dated anyone since I was a senior in high school. Since before I got together with Savannah.
And once I had Savannah, I didn’t feel inclined to look anywhere else. It was easy enough to see that she could fit the role; she was pretty, she seemed to like me—at the time, anyway—but dating Savannah was kind of like throwing baseballs at the cat rack at the fair.
Even when you’re sure of your target, somehow you always miss.
But at least I knewhowto date a woman. Knew how to be what they wanted, so I could fit the role.
But I don’t know the first thing about dating a guy.
I don’t know what kind of boyfriend to be.
Boyfriend.
The word settles on me, and I expect it to freak me out, but it doesn’t.
It feels strangely right.
Is that what we are? Is he my boyfriend?
Is that what he sees me as?
