Everything is wrong.I’m drowning, and drowning,and drowning.
Grief is a strange thing. It strangles you from the moment it appears and loosens its grip just enough for you to think that you can move on. That you can becomewholeagain. But the truth is, it will always be there, waiting, biding its time to suffocate you, to remind you that life will never be the way you want it to be. It’s as if I’m watching myself stand there, unable to move or do anything.
The monitor beeping somewhat brings me out of my trance. Doctors and nurses in scrubs rush around Ma’s bloodied body, and it’s only when Lucio’s hand rests on my shoulder that I realize that I’m shaking. So viciously.
“You should step out.”
I don’t have anything left in me to argue or even respond. Instead, I just let him lead me out of the room. And I don’t know if it’s the distinct smell of antiseptics or something else, but nausea grips me, violence ripping through my body as I retch onto the hospital’s floor. It doesn’t stop. Itwon’tstop. I keep throwing up, and even when my stomach is empty with nothing left inside, I continue to gag, my body refusing to let me stand up.
Just as I’m able to push my hair back, sweat dripping down my face, a loud and continuous beep sounds from Ma’s room. More doctors and nurses rush their way in.
What is happening?
The sound of Eli’s threats echoes around us, along with Val’s soft crying, as Lucio’s expression darkens.
I need to know what is happening, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of whatever this is. It feels as if I’m being held under water and everything is moving around me in slow motion. Leaning against the wall, I try to gather myself, but nothing is happening, all I can do is stand there and watch.
Watch as the doctors and nurses all file out of Ma’s hospital room, their heads bowed. Watch as Eli rushes out, shouting,cursing and pushing Lucio. Watch as both Romiro and Matteo try to pull them away from one another.
And suddenly, it clicks.
Ma’s dead.
God has forsaken me for a second time.
Why? Why does everything I love get tainted, ruined? Is it because I’m a sinner?
But she can’t be dead. I’m wrong.
I have to be wrong.
My brothers would never give up this easily. Would they?
I’m in hell. This is all my fault. Had I let the Outfit take me instead, Ma would still be alive. She’d be here. Not in there, lying lifeless. Leaving me in this cruel world.
But no. They took her away, just like they took away my innocence a year ago.
Was it not enough? WasInot enough?
I didn’t cry.Not when I found out we lost Ma in the hospital. Not when we got to the townhouse, glass shards everywhere. Not even when I lay in bed, unable to do anything other than stare at the ceiling.
I. Didn’t. Fucking. Cry.
What kind of monster am I? Valentina stands next to me on one side. On her other side is Emiliano. Everyone’s in black. Eli and Matteo are both in sunglasses. My gaze drifts over the pews, all filled to the brim with associates, underbosses,vultures.
Ma’s funeral has less turnout than Pa’s. Then again, it’s not every day that a ruthless mob boss is taken out.
I go through the motions that are expected of me, but inside? I’m hollow. A vast emptiness that consumes and consumes. Never satisfied.
I’m about to excuse myself when I suddenly feel it. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention, the air in the church shifting.Accommodating.And it makes sense whenhewalks through the large church doors in a suit, towering over my brothers.
Nicolo Esposito.
He stops by Emiliano, their voices hushed, lips moving too fast to read.
I don’t care. It’s brief, or at least I think it is. I haven’t had a grasp on time since the shootout. But Nicolo and my brother shake hands before his cold steel gaze drifts over to me, assessing. Calculated. It’s only for a beat, but I still feel the imprint of his stare hot on my skin.
I don’t dwell on it—not out of choice, but because Valentina breaks me out of my trance. Her fingers lightly touch my elbow, drawing my attention to her. She gives me a bleak smile, her red-rimmed eyes puffy, streaks of dried tears on her cheeks. I don’t return it.
