I have over a million followers on my social media accounts but no one to spend a holiday with. It’s funny, the perception that people may have of someone based on what’s in black and white on the internet.
“The recital is for family only. I’m sorry Abby. I’ll make it up to you.” Her words aren’t mean but they hurt all the same, because her statement just reminds me; I’m no one’s family.
“Yeah, no, I understand. I’ll just binge out on that new Netflix show or start a new book. If you finish early though, call me, okay?” I say with a little too much pleading in the tone.
“Sure thing, of course. Have fun and I’ll call you later.” She disconnects quickly and I stand frozen in disappointment.
I know it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but I can’t help feeling let down. I know she’s not responsible to keep me company but she knows how affected I am by this holiday.
I never used to hate this time of year, in fact I used to love it. Christmas was my favorite time of the year and all of the holiday parties, Christmas music, and joyful events that led up to it was something I looked forward to. But both of my parents died in the month of December, now making this my most dreaded time of the year.
I try to pack it full of things to do, to keep my mind off all the bad stuff. Sometimes it helps. But most of the time I’m just scrambling, trying to keep my mind and body busy.
Maybe that’s why I created the platform I have now. I was seeking acceptance, seeking friendships. Sadly, it’s only made everything more difficult, because people no longer see you as a person, they see you as a resource to get more followers or gain popularity.
I’m sure some of them are genuine and some amazing relationships can come out of it. But after what Sam did to me, I have a hard time trusting that someone doesn’t have an ulterior motive.
Glancing out the blacked out window at the front of the fire station I realize just how out of the place I am. I gaze at a smudge on the window and allow my vision to blur around me. I need to do what I always do and ignore the loneliness that surrounds this holiday.
Until Cami called, it actually hadn’t crossed my mind. I guess I looked forward to meeting her for our Christmas Eve moviemarathon and didn’t focus on knowing I would wake up alone on Christmas day yet again this year.
The distraction of three very attractive firefighters has helped too. And not only are they mind-blowingly sexy, but they’re all fun and easy to get along with.
It’s interesting what the power of personal connections do. Jasper, Wade, and Major’s company have made me live completely in the moment today. I usually have to work so much harder to divert the thoughts of being alone and feeling unloved.
These guys have easily put themselves at the forefront of my mind and nothing has felt forced or fake. It actually feels like we’ve known each other for longer than we have.
I’ve had time with each of them, individually and together and, well…the together part…that was explosive.
Watching Jasper and Wade kiss mere inches from me while Major shadowed us was the most sensual thing I’ve ever been a part of. It might have looked like just a simple kiss on the outside, but the unrelenting passion they had for each other in that moment rivaled any kiss I’ve ever physically experienced.
Cami’s call couldn’t have had worse timing and I probably shouldn’t have answered, but I figured she was leaving to meet me at my house and I didn’t want to let her down. I should have just let it go to voicemail so I could see where that kiss would lead to.
I’m ashamed to admit how much more I want to see of them—all of us—together, but now it’ll just be awkward walking back in there expecting to pick up right where we left off. Plus, I glance at my watch, it’s time for me to go. I’ve been here far too long and ultimately these guys are probably just trying to be nice and humor me with all the things I brought them.
“Hey, everything okay?” I startle, whiplashing my neck in Major’s direction.
His stoic, strong form is standing in the archway that connects the front office to the garage and I’m curious as to how long he’s been there. His keen sense of awareness is on full display as his eyes lock on mine like he’s trying to read all the thoughts running through my head.
“Oh yeah, everything is great,” I lie through my teeth, “I should just head out soon to meet my friend.” There I go, lying again.
“The friend that just canceled on you?” Oh, great. So, not only did he overhear my conversation, but he heard how sad and desperate I sounded. “Was that aguyfriend or agirlfriend.?” he asks with a smidge of shyness behind his tone.
My shoulders deflate as they drop to my sides. I know he heard enough that I can’t keep up a lie, even though I’d rather ignore this conversation.
“My friend, Cami. She usually keeps me company on Christmas Eve but something came up,” I state factually.
“What do you mean keeps you company?” he asks, as he takes a step toward me, lining himself up in front of me.
“It’s a tradition we started quite a few years back. She comes over for Christmas Eve and we binge out on random movies and eat junk food all night long. It’s been a tradition since my dad passed. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I lost my mother a couple years ago.” I glance up at him with a tight-lipped smile. I’m not looking for any type of pity, but I do want him to know why I’m feeling disappointed.
He nods slowly as he takes in the information. He places his hand on my shoulder, caressing my arm, as his fingers slowly trail down to my hand. The pads of his fingers massage the column between my own, my mouth naturally forms an O shape and my breath stalls at how sensitive and sensual the motion is.
Like who knew something so simple would feel so unbelievable. But here I am, getting a finger massage like I’ve been deprived of touch my entire life.
His other hand cups my slacked jaw, forcing me to tip my chin up toward him.
“I hate to break the bad news to your friend, but you have three very interested men that would love to give you a new Christmas Eve tradition.”
