“Okay,” I say cautiously. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nah.”
“Okay, let’s try that again.” I pause as I walk around the table toward the kitchen trying to act as impassive as possible. “Tell me about it.”
Grabbing two bottles of water, wishing they were beer, I toss one in his direction and he catches it squarely in his hand.
I screw off the top and take a swig, keeping my eyes trained on him, with hope that he’s not shutting me out already.
He looks around the room, then back at me and down at the floor. Finally huffing in defeat before speaking.
“Nothing can happen, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Fuck that.” I don’t typically use any type of profanities, especially at work, so my direct response has him snapping a look in my direction.
Because, it does. How he feels fucking matters.
“Your feelings matter, a whole hell of a lot actually, so don’t diminish them like they don’t. You’re used to ignoring how you feel and prioritizing others. Lily specifically,” I add.
“I’m not gay,” he says quickly.
“Neither is Jasper,” I quip back. “Gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, magical purple unicorn, whatever variation, it doesn’t fucking matter.” I want to get through to him. I’m practically begging in my tone. “Your feelings,” I point at him, “they do matter.”
He’s not used to anyone fighting for him. He’s only ever focused on what his daughter needs and always puts himself last.
“You can still care for Lily and give her the best version of yourself, regardless of your sexuality.”
He glances around the room again, placing his hands on his hips and huffs out another deep breath.
Wade’s natural communication skills are pretty much non-existent, so talking to him is the same as talking to the plastic bottle tucked in my hand, but I know he hears me.
“What would you do?” His eyes finally meet mine. “Would you act on it?”
I pause a moment, thinking back on all the things I refrained from sharing in my marriage. Years of pretending to be someone I wasn’t to appease someone else.
I’m forcing him out of his comfort zone, it’s only fair I do the same to myself.
“My wife left me because I wanted to share her.” His brows furrow at my confession. “I wanted to open up our marriage and explore sexually with her. More specifically I wanted to watch.” I swallow thickly before standing up straight. “I wanted to see her with other men.”
It’s a kink I don’t understand. I wish I did because it makes me feel like a horrible partner, so I just shrug when Wadeglances over at me as he absorbs the details I just shared with him.
He’s confused, but the look on his face is less judgmental than my ex-wife’s. He at least doesn’t seem disgusted at the idea like she was.
I think back on how horribly that conversation went the moment I told her. Maybe I already knew I was losing her and thought it was a way to save our marriage, or maybe I finally felt comfortable telling her because I knew it would give her the excuse she needed to leave me.
“Have you and Jasper—?” Wade hikes his thumb over his back, cutting himself off from finalizing his question.
It’s a fair question, considering how sexually carefree Jasper is.
I shake my head. “No, no. I don’t have any desire to be with other men, but I’m not against a threesome. For me it’s about witnessing the pleasure and,” I take a deep breath, “I can’t tell you how many passing thoughts I’ve had today of that exact scene with the three of you.” I finally spit it out.
“Oh…” His expression is pure shock.
He runs his hand through his hair, his eyes bouncing between different spots on the floor as he probably tries to recap the memories after my divorce, trying to piece it all together.
“I had no idea about your wife, Maj. You guys were so happy and it suddenly ended, I never wanted to bring it up because I knew it was a tough topic.”
I shrug. I’m not trying to dumb down the situation but what happened, happened. It was hard but it was harder pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
