“I’m glad I could help.I hope she’s doing well.”
“She’s great.So is Stella.They’re both very good at being gay.”
“What does that mean: to be good at being gay?”
“They just seem to… have it all together, you know?Compared to them, I’m a hot mess.”
“Because you’re single?”
“Before I met them, before we did this movie together, I was perfectly happy with myself.At least I thought I was.But, I don’t know, it’s like being with them makes me feel inadequate somehow.Like I’m doing it wrong.”
“Can you define ‘it?’”
“Life.”I’m on a roll now.“But my life has been so different compared to theirs.Stella’s biggest issue so far has been falling in love with her brother’s wife, which, granted, may point at some dysfunction, and Sienna’s dad crashing his motorcycle was devastating, so, yes, we all have our thing, but we don’t have the same background.
“Growing up with no money, as I did, makes you see life differently.I wasn’t raised in the same way they were, with their hotshot parents in their huge mansions and privileged lifestyle.”I run out of steam.“I’m not jealous.I love them and I’m glad I met them and that we’re friends, but I often feel… I don’t want to say inferior because it’s not the right word, but not exactly equal either.It doesn’t help that I used to be onEcho Bay.”
“Do you feel looked down on?”
“No.I don’t know.Sometimes.”
“I know for a fact thatEcho Bayis a huge part of many people’s lives.A delicious daily treat to look forward to.”There’s that smile again.“What was it like, being a part of that?”
“Fucking hard work.”
Nic chuckles, then nods.“I can imagine.”
“Not compared to the two jobs my mom worked, obviously.”
“Do you want to tell me a bit more about your mother?About your parents?”
I heave a sigh.“Not really.”
“You don’t have to.Well, not today, at least.”
“Another way I’m not like Sienna and Stella,” I say, expertly deflecting, “is that I’m not into talking about my feelings all the time.Things just are what they are, you know?Most of the time, I’m pretty okay with that.”
“Good,” is all Nic says.
I drum my fingertips on the armrest of my chair as I stare out of those enormous windows.
A short silence falls, after which she asks, “Can you try to put into words why you’re so annoyed right now?What specifically sparked your irritation?”
“I’m not annoyed,” I say, my voice tense and on the verge of too harsh.
Dr.Nic just tilts her head.
“Okay, I’m annoyed because… either I do this, I go down all these rabbit holes with you that I don’t really feel like going down, and it will take fucking forever to get somewhere… Or I quit while I’m ahead.”I’m of half a mind to walk out the door, but something about her keeps me in my chair.I also don’t want to come across as someone who gets out of Dodge the moment the conversation gets difficult.I don’t want Nic to think of me that way, although it’s what I would do with anyone else.
“The door isn’t locked.”The confidence with which she says it—as if she’s certain that I’ll stay—is another thing that keeps my ass glued to my seat.“None of this is mandatory.”She fixes her gaze on mine.“But please know that I’m here for you unequivocally.It will take the time it takes and, from experience, I know that most of the time, when clients keep coming back, when they put in the work, their life always gets better.”
“Do they stop shoving homophobic pricks in bars?”
“As far as I’m concerned, you can give every homophobic prick you ever meet the hardest shove you can muster for the rest of your life.”
“I do work out.”I flex my biceps a little.“My shoves are pretty robust.”
“I can tell.”Her gaze actually slides to my arms.
