“I think you can practice it,” Jan says.“And part of that practice starts here.Letting yourself notice when you want to pull away, and what it feels like to stay instead.”
“Okay.”Maybe I won’t run from this chair, after all.It sounds like I have another reason to stay in therapy—and that reason is Nic.
I know Mimi St.James through Stella, who is Nora Levine’s co-star on the TV showUnbreak My Heart.
When I meet her, at her house—which would be unusual for a work meeting if we weren’t acquaintances—she hugs me as if I’m a lifelong family friend.Me being the subject of such juicy tabloid speculation might have something to do with that.
“Avery,” Mimi says.“How are you?”Mimi’s ‘how are you?’is very different than Jan’s and thank goodness for that.
“It’s all true,” I say, because Nic and I no longer have to hide.“Yes, I fell in love with my therapist, and no, I don’t regret it.”
“Love is love,” Mimi says.“You can try to fight it but, in my opinion, if it’s mutual and both parties are able to fully consent, there’s really no good reason to ever do so.”
“Thank you for saying that.”The couple of times I’ve met her, I always took a shine to Mimi.She directedGimme Shelter, the movie about Justine founding the Rainbow Shelter, and I’ve also been a fan of her work ever since.
“What’s going to happen to Nic?”she asks as she sits us down and brings over large glasses of ice water.
“She’s waiting on a decision from the Board of Psychology but she will almost certainly lose her license to practice, so…”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah.”
For a moment, we just sit there, the ice rattling in our glasses the only sound.Then Mimi leans forward and says, “Nora sends her love.She would’ve loved to stop by, but she’s on set.We’re both huge fans of you andQueer Girl Summer.”
Compliments still have a way of sliding right off me, but not so much when coming from Mimi—and Nora Levine.
“Thank you.”I give her my brightest smile—I do have a lot to smile about these days.
“Are you ready to talk shop?”Mimi cuts right to the chase, which I appreciate.
“Definitely.”I take a sip of ice-cold water.
Mimi’s eyes light up.“This movie I want to make is about a woman in her thirties who wakes up one morning to find herself living an alternate version of her life.She’s in the same city and she’s the same person, but every choice she didn’t make before has now been made for her.The career she turned down, the woman she didn’t stay with, the family she didn’t build—all of it playing out as if she had chosen differently.”
“This character is queer?”I blurt out without thinking.
“Yes,” Mimi says matter-of-factly.
“Okay.”
She narrows her eyes.“Is that a problem?”
“No.”I catch some drops of condensation sliding down my water glass.
“But?”Mimi sounds genuinely surprised.
“AfterQueer Girl Summer, I’m not sure I should play gay again.”Apart from really jumping the gun—Mimi has only briefly explained the premise of her movie—I’m also being difficult, but it’s how I feel.
“Are you serious?”Clearly, Mimi is not a typical Hollywood-type who just tells me what I want to hear in order to secure my cooperation.“Why?”
“I was on a soap opera for ten years.I’ve finally reached the next step and… I don’t want to pigeonhole myself as that queer actor who only plays queer parts.”
“But, Avery,” Mimi says.“You’re the actor who brought such depth and nuance to a character that millions related to.That’s hardly a pigeonhole.That’s real impact.”
I shift in my chair, bracing for the kind of lecture I’m used to getting from Sienna and Stella.
“What I’m offering you is a role that has nothing to do with a label.It’s about choice, about regret, and about love.Queerness isn’t the point.Humanity is.”I do admire Mimi’s passion.
