“I understand if you’re angry.”
“Never mind how I feel.”There’s something so much more severe about Jan than there was about Nic.Or maybe that’s just the circumstances influencing how I see her.“How doyoufeel?”
“I feel great,” I say.“I’m in love.”God, it feels so good to be able to admit that.
“How do you feel about Nic losing her license because you’re in love with each other?”Holy fuck.
“I don’t feel so good about that but, ultimately, it was her choice.”
“Infatuation is such a fragile state, though,” Jan says.“I hope you’re both aware of that.”
“It’s not just infatuation,” I say.“I’ve had plenty of crushes before, and they never felt like this.”
“Okay,” Jan says.“So, what does it feel like to be in love?”
“Absolutely spectacular,” I say, unable to suppress a grin.“I haven’t been in love in forever.So, yeah, it feels pretty damn good.”
Jan nods slowly.“Of course it does.”She pauses.“But do you think some of that rush might also be an escape from something else?”
“Escape from what?My glamorous life?My face on that huge billboard on Sunset Boulevard?”I’m not so stupid—or crazy in love—that I don’t know what she’s getting at, but I hate that we have to drag my feelings for Nic into this now.
“It’s just a question,” Jan says, her voice as calm as if we were talking about the weather.
Once again, I feel like walking out the door.Like not doing this any longer—this probing into depths I’m not even sure I have.It makes me think of that time in one of my sessions with Nic when she told me I was free to leave whenever I wanted.If I had, none of this would have happened.
“It’s both, okay?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because… it is.Falling in love is so all-consuming, it makes me forget about the other stuff in my life.”I haven’t thought about that jerk I shoved in that bar—the direct reason for me starting therapy with Nic—since I sat in this chair last week.“But I also know it doesn’t magically make it go away.”
“It’s good that you’re aware of that,” Jan says.She lets the silence expand between us, and for a second I almost believe she’ll move on.But she doesn’t.She just waits.
I fill the silence first.“And then there’s the stuff that comes with falling in love,” I say.
“Such as?”
“I’m scared.”I sigh.
Jan’s eyebrows lift slightly.“Scared of what?”
“Messing it up with Nic.”The words tumble out before I can stop them.“I’ve never really done this before.Not for real.Not with someone who matters this much to me.”
Jan nods as if I’m saying exactly what she expected me to say.“Intimacy can be terrifying if you’re not used to it.”
I huff out a laugh.“That’s one way of putting it.I’m good at sex.I’m good at banter and flirting.But what comes after… Actually staying and letting someone in… I don’t have a very good track record when it comes to that.”
“But Nic makes you want to stay?”
“So very much.”My throat tightens.“Which means I’m almost guaranteed to fuck it up.That’s what I do.I don’t know how to be close to someone.Not really.”
“That’s not uncommon for someone who’s had to be self-reliant from a young age.”
“And?”I ask.
“You can learn to be different.To allow the person you care about to come close to you.”
Kind of like we did last weekend, I think, in bed.I don’t say that to Jan, though.“You think I can get better at this?”
