Avery goes very still, not reacting to my silliness at all.She clears her throat.“If you need money, I can help.”
The sincerity in her voice makes my chest tighten.I don’t need Avery’s money, but the fact that she’s offering moves me deeply.No one has tried to take care of me in a long time.
“That is very kind of you to offer.”I lean toward her and reach for her hand.“But I’ve made plenty of money.”And Lois left me more than enough when she died, teaching me the most valuable lesson of all: love is worth so much more than all the money in the world.I’d give everything I have, including my practice, to have Lois back.Out of nowhere, a tear wells in my eye.I wipe it away with my napkin.
“I do know how much you charge,” Avery jokes, but her smile doesn’t come close to reaching her eyes.She squeezes my hand gently.
“Yes, I’m scared and, yes, I do feel foolish for doing this, but… there’s something inside me that compels me to be with you so strongly, I can’t resist it and… this is going to sound even more crazy, but… I think it’s Lois.I mean, not really her, obviously.I’m not that far gone.But the fact that I lost her.That I know what it’s like… how crushing it is to lose your person.I think that is what is subconsciously compelling me to take this crazy leap with you.Because you make me feel something that I’ve only ever felt with her.With the biggest love of my life.I can’t ignore that.Then, I would really be a fool.”Tears rain down my cheeks.
Avery rises from her chair and pushes mine back.The position is awkward, but she curls her arms around my neck and holds me as close as she can.I cling to her for a few breaths, letting the commotion inside me settle against the warmth of her body.“What I’m trying to say,” I murmur, “is that I know what this is.And I can’t turn away from it.I know what I’m doing.”
Avery settles back in her chair but drags it closer to mine.She takes my hand in hers and turns to me.“What was she like?Lois?”
Five years down the line, I can think of my late wife with tenderness again instead of only the sharp pain of grief.
“She was a force of nature.”I try to look Avery in the eye, at least for a moment.“She didn’t bother with a sentence if it didn’t have at least one f-word in it.”I sink into my chair, clinging onto Avery’s hand.“She was fearless.Perhaps, too fearless.She was loud and very present in a room.And stubborn…” I still roll my eyes at the memory.“But she was also generous.Kind.She loved me… with such abandon.”There goes another tear rolling down my cheek.“And it was completely mutual.”I take a moment.“She was the worst driver in the world, I swear to you.She should not have been allowed a driver’s license, in my opinion.But before her crash, she’d never even had an accident.Nothing.Never a scratch on the car, so I didn’t have a leg to stand on when it came to that.Until…” I take a shuddering breath.“She crashed.The impact was so big, she must have died instantly.That’s what I was told, anyway.That she didn’t suffer.That she died the way she lived, flying down the highway.”
“I’m so sorry, Nic.”Both Avery’s hands cover mine.
“I know,” I say between shallow breaths, “that she would want this for me.This thing between us—she would want me to explore it.”I manage to expel a deeper breath before continuing.“More than anything, I know that Lois would want me to find love again.”I peer at our hands—at Avery’s strong hands covering mine.“It hasn’t happened… until now.”
Avery’s eyes are moist as well.“If this is what it feels like,” she says.“If this is what it means to you.”Her voice is but a whisper.“How can anyone ever think it’s wrong?”
If only it were that straightforward.
Chapter27
Avery
The day has been almost perfect, apart from the fact that I couldn’t bring Nic to this dinner with my friends.
“I was terribly miffed you canceled our hike,” Stella teases me out of earshot of the others.“I wanted to ask about your, um, situation.”She gives me a once-over.“I don’t have to ask, though.Nor do I need to ask what you’ve been up to all day.If ever anyone has perfected the just-fucked look, it’s you.You’re glowing with post-orgasmic bliss.”
It’s a hard thing to deny, especially to such a close friend, but I gave Nic my word.
“Not here,” I whisper in Stella’s ear.“We’ll go on that hike soon.I promise.”
The food is as scrumptious as ever at Min-ji’s, where our table gets the royal treatment because of Justine’s presence.The restaurant’s owner spent time in Justine’s shelter for LGBTQIA youths in her teens and she’s forever grateful to Justine for how she steered her life in the right direction.
While Sienna regales us with a wild tale about her dad, Bobby Bright, I think of Nic.Of the amazing day—and night—we spent together but also of what she told me about her late wife.Sienna’s dad died in a motorcycle accident.Her chopsticks flail dramatically—she is her father’s daughter, after all—as she’s getting to the punchline when someone’s phone buzzes on the table.
“Sorry,” Stella says.Sienna and I have been told a million times that when you’re a parent to a small child, putting your phone on silent and away in your purse is simply not an option.Stella looks at the screen.Then I feel my own phone vibrating in my pocket.Since Stella is checking hers, I take the liberty to check mine, hoping for a naughty message from Nic.
“What the fuck,” Stella says.
It takes a few moments for my brain to process what I’m seeing.Various of my group chats have shared the same picture and link to an article on TMZ.The picture is of Nic getting into her car outside my house.The article’s headline reads:
Exclusive: Dr.Nic, Therapist to the Stars, in Forbidden Affair with Avery Hall.
My heart pounding in my chest, I skim the article.I read things like: ‘Therapist caught making house calls to Avery Hall’ and ‘Sources say: Avery Hall hooked on her Hollywood shrink.’
Stella stares at me, her mouth agape.
“It’s TMZ,” Sienna says matter-of-factly, glancing at Stella’s screen.“So we know for a fact it’s bullshit.”She gives me a look that doesn’t exactly convey blind belief in what she just claimed.
“Yeah,” I say, the tremor in my voice surely giving away my lie.Because it is true and, for all I care, it can be all over the tabloids.But for Nic’s sake, it really can’t.
I also can’t lie to my friends now and come back on my words later.I’m all for keeping Nic’s secret, but what’s the point in doing that any longer now?Fucking paparazzi.
