Her whisper sends a shiver down my spine, and before I can summon a clever comeback her mouth is on mine again, as hungry and insistent as last night.So much for spending the day doing something else—because with Avery, every plan seems to start and end in bed.
When I lounge by Avery’s pool, naked because I had no reason to bring a bikini, I can’t help but feel as though I have stepped straight into theQueer Girl Summeruniverse.The sun soaks into my skin, and despite the turmoil in my brain, my muscles hum with deep satisfaction.
From the kitchen, I hear the clatter of pans.At least for a little while longer, the world beyond these walls doesn’t exist.There’s only sunshine, the glint of the pool, and the knowledge that Avery is cooking me brunch.It’s indulgent and unreal, but isn’t that what falling in love is supposed to feel like?Because I am falling in love.I’m also giving into it because, quite frankly, I don’t seem to have another choice.I wouldn’t be here if did.
“Your breakfast is served, Madam,” Avery calls.
I slip into the oversized T-shirt she left me and make my way to the shaded table under the porch.Waiting there are two plates with a poached egg perched on toast, topped with guacamole, fresh salsa, and a sprinkle of cilantro.
“I’m already impressed,” I say as I sit down, “and I haven’t even tasted it yet.”
“I can’t disappoint my cougar.”Avery flashes me a grin.
I might have to chat with her about the cougar references, even though I used to tease Lois with being much older than me as well.I can hardly hold it against Avery now just because I’m the older party—Lois most certainly never did.
I take a bite and it’s like an explosion of the most delicious flavors in my mouth.“Wow,” I say.“Even better than that very special dish you served last night.”When I sit this close to her, my body can’t help but thrum with excitement—and the memory of that toy is still extremely prevalent.
“I’d better give up acting and open a restaurant then,” Avery deadpans, and I fall in love with her a little more.“You did say I should charge for my excellent services.”
“I’d love to take you to a proper restaurant,” I muse—out loud.“Take you out, I mean.”
“Shall I make a reservation when I’m at Min-ji’s tonight?”Avery’s gaze on me is warm but also a little inquisitive.“It takes so long to get a table there, maybe by the time of our booking, we can go out together.”
“Is that what you want?”I ask—I have to.“To go out with me?”That I want to date her is a no-brainer, but that she would want to do the same with me is, in my opinion, far less obvious.
“You have to ask?”She tilts her head, a crooked smile tugging at her lips, as if the question really is too absurd to ask.The certainty in her voice is so unshakable, it makes the chaos in my head go quiet for a few moments.
Perhaps I didn’t have to ask.Because there’s what we say with words and then there’s what we say in all the other ways we speak.Avery came to me last week.She kept my secret.She just made me breakfast.All of that might still leave plenty of room for ambiguity, but that’s also a big part of falling in love.The insecurity.The never fully knowing despite the delicious interpreting of clues.The most delightful guessing game in the history of humankind.Is she into me?I have no doubt Avery’s into me.It’s hardly the issue here.
I shake my head and, under the table, her foot finds mine.She rubs her ankle against mine and the touch of her skin, also, tells me everything I need to know.
“Can I ask you something?”Avery looks me in the eye.
“Anything.”I take another bite of the dish she prepared, wondering if it tastes so good because she made it for me.
“Are you scared?”
“Hm.”I take a beat.“Yeah.I don’t know what’s going to happen.I can guess and the guess is not a pretty scenario but, in the end, I don’t know because I can’t predict the future.”
“If there’s anything at all I can do to help, you have to tell me, Nic.”She gives a small nod.“I’ll talk to anyone you need to convince that this is completely consensual.”
“There might be people who want to talk to you,” I say.“Thank you.”
“It’s the least I can do.”Avery drops her fork.
“Do you feel guilty?”I ask.
“It’s hard not to.”She leans back in her chair, and our feet lose contact.“I’m very good at not thinking about stuff that’s too difficult to deal with, but this is different.This is your life.”She finds my gaze again.“Your life that I want to be a part of, even though I’m well aware of the cost.”
I let her continue.
“I hate that you have to give up your practice for me.”Avery’s voice does tremble now.
“Unfortunately, it’s an all-or-nothing situation.”I take a moment to breathe around the pit in my stomach.“But the fact that I’m here, with you, tells me it’s worth it.”I may say that—and I mean it in this moment—but only time will tell whether that’s really true or not.
“What will you do?”Avery asks.
“You were going to get me a part in theQueer Girl Summersequel.”I can’t believe what I’m saying.Deflecting with a joke is such a classic Avery move.“Or is professional cougar a viable means of employment these days?”
