“That’s hardly nothing,” Jan says.
“I love acting.I’m passionate about it but the whole fame thing is so out of proportion.To be made to feel better than others simply because my face is shown on a screen is something I can’t stand.I think it’s ridiculous and dishonest and it’s what I hate the most about this town.And my job.”
“You could have chosen a more low-key project thanQueer Girl Summer.”
I shake my head.“No one could have predicted that it would become such a massive hit.Three lesbians going into the woods to find themselves?”I chuckle.“It’s not exactly blockbuster material.”
“On my way in, I saw your face on a billboard for your new movie.”
“Yeah, the premiere was last week.”UnlikeQueer Girl Summer,Deadline for Loveis meticulously conceived to be a blockbuster.“That’s how it goes in Hollywood.I have an A-list agent now.According to her, it’s only just begun and the sky is the limit.”
“Yet you sound ambivalent.”
“It’s just… such a contrast with where I come from.”
“Which is?”I’m sure it’s in her notes, but Jan probably wants me to say it—wants to examine my body language when I do.
“I grew up in a trailer park in Indiana.We didn’t have any money.There wasn’t much room for feelings and stuff like that.”
“Stuff like that?”
“I’m nothing like these girly, dainty characters I play,” I ignore Jan’s question.“And all this glitz and glamor.Don’t get me wrong.Money is the best thing in the world, and I’m glad my mom lives in a nice house now, but inane flattery often has the opposite effect on me.I’m not receptive to it because… it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why do you think it doesn’t mean anything?”So this is what it’s like to be counseled by a therapist I don’t think of as hot.Borderline boring and excruciatingly annoying.
Ostentatiously, I look at my watch.In the room with Nic, time always flew.Here one minute seems to last an hour.And I can’t flirt my way out of a conversation thread I’d rather avoid.
“Five more minutes,” Jan says.“And for the record, I think it’s good that you’re here.”She throws in a smile.“Do you think you can answer my question?”
“Because I don’t believe it.”
“You don’t or you can’t?”
“Both.What’s the difference?”
“The difference is,” Jan says.“That perhaps you find it hard to believe something flattering about yourself because, deep down, you don’t believe you’re worth someone saying something nice about you.”
“Maybe.”I shrug.
“Maybe,” Jan repeats.“You’ve done really well, Avery.Will you come back next week?”
“Yes.”I’m not lying.I know that Nic wants me to continue therapy.And even though I can’t talk about her all that much, I may need some help getting over her.Who better to assist me than the new therapist she got me?
Chapter24
Nic
Wednesday evening, Jan calls me.Palms sweating, I pick up.
“I will never condone it,” Jan says.“But in my opinion, Avery isn’t hurt by what happened.Although you’re still very present in her mind.”
This whole situation is so surreal.I shouldn’t have a colleague calling me about this.Yet I find myself in the middle of this drama of my creation, Avery still very present in my mind as well.
“She has a lot of work to do on herself,” Jan says.“I think you were an excellent distraction from the difficult task of therapy.”
Of course, I was.I still am.Maybe guilt is the only way for me to really snap out of this.
“I’m not going to report you to the board,” Jan says.“In this specific situation, I don’t feel obliged to.”
