Oh.She’s really asking me that?“As an amazing night.”I start by toning things down considerably.
“Why was it amazing?”Jan peers at me over the thick rim of her glasses.
“We just clicked in a way that… I haven’t clicked with anyone in a long time.Maybe never.”
“What do you mean by ‘clicked’?”
I can hardly say that it was just staggeringly hot to fuck Nic.“Like, um, we were on the same wavelength or something.”
“Looking back now on that night, though,” Jan’s voice is soft.“Can you honestly say that Nic being your therapist had nothing to do with how she made you feel?”
“No, of course not,” I blurt out.“Because she was my therapist, and it’s how we met.”
“You’re aware that Nic has transferred her notes to me.That I know why you sought help.”
Duh.I nod.“Yeah.”Fucking therapy.I’m so done with it.But I have a point to prove as well.
“Admittedly, this is an unusual situation and I understand why you have your guard up, Avery.You care about Nic.You may even think you have feelings for her.”
“The thought of never seeing her again is almost unbearable,” I say.
“Is it, really?”Jan asks.
I scoff.“Fuck, yeah.I really like her.She’s so special.”
“She may be special, but surely she’s not the only special woman in all of Los Angeles.”
“It’s hard to put into words.”Argh.“I’m not very good at relationships or flirting, even, but with Nic… it was so easy.All I want is to see her again.”
“Perhaps also because you can’t?Because the forbidden aspect of it fuels your desire?”
“No.I see why it may look that way, but that has nothing to do with it.”
“I don’t want to presume, but someone like you must have her fair share of admirers?”
I think of the photographer’s assistant flirting with me last week and how all I could think of was that she wasn’t Nic.“Yeah,” I say on a sigh, as though it’s a burden.“But women like that… they only approach me because they’ve seen me in a movie.Because I’m famous now.I’m not into that.”
“Fair enough.”Jan actually manages a smile.“What are you into?”
My head is still filled to the brim with Nic.“Someone who… just sees me for who I am.”I can’t sit here with a straight face and claim that Nic was not interested in the famous actor part of me.She told me how many times she watchedQueer Girl Summer.Still, it was different with her.
“And who is that?”Jan asks.
I huff out some air.Fuck if I know, I think, but I suppress another expletive because I get the impression Jan is far less fond of my language than Nic.
“I shoved some nitwit in a bar and apparently it says a lot about my personality and what I struggle with, so here I am.”I’m aware of how flippant I sound—as though what I really want to say is: you figure it out.
Jan lets a silence fall that I don’t feel very inclined to fill.
She studies her notes for a moment—oh, how I’d love to have a look at those—then says, “When do you feel most proud of yourself?”
“Proud of myself?”That question comes out of left field, although, instantly, I think of making Nic come with my fingers last Sunday.“I’m not someone who goes around feeling very proud of myself.”
“Why is that?You’ve accomplished quite a lot, haven’t you?”
It’s impossible to say if Jan’s question is genuine or if she’s trying to make me say something—if she’s manipulating me.But maybe that’s just me.
“Have I?I played in a soap for ten years and then I played a lesbian in a very lesbian movie.”
