It’s absolutely unthinkable to give that up.To even consider it.And yet.
When she came to my house and I crumbled in an instant, for a minute there, I believed I could.That I’d give it all up for her.But for what?
On my desk, there’s a picture of Lois, and I look at it.
“What would you do?”I ask my dead wife.
Thank goodness she can’t answer because Lois was exactly the kind of person who would choose the potential of love over everything else.But it’s not even love.It can’t be love.It’s impossible.
I might be a little starstruck and definitely in lust and, as a psychologist, I would be wrong to simply dismiss this as mere frivolity, but in the grand scheme of things, I can also see it as fleeting and, in my position, dangerous.
Yet, I can’t stop thinking about what Avery said when she lay next to me.After she gave me the night of my life, which was different from the first time.I wasn’t tipsy, although I was just as foolish.
Does any of it matter if we really want to be together?
The fact that she had it in her to ask me that question is already a kind of answer in itself.Because my brain may say no, but every other bit of me screams yes.Because, of course, I could fall for her like a ton of bricks—or, as Avery would say: a fuckton of fucking bricks.
There isn’t anything about her that doesn’t thoroughly delight me.How I yearn to take her out for a long, luxurious dinner and flirt all the way through the meal.Get to know her despite her habit of deflecting and her adamance to not show her true feelings.And then to take her home and have her fuck me?—
Stop.I take a breath.But being a therapist isn’t all about the brain.It’s not all logical analytics and rational treatments.Because humans are, ultimately, not logical creatures.We act on instinct and on impulses that, half the time, we don’t even understand because their roots are buried too deep in our consciousness.This much I know.
Because in my mind—which I’m surely losing—this is still Avery’s time slot with me, I allow myself to entertain the most foolish of notions.
What if I did see her again?What if I reported myself to the board, lost my license, got suspended, and could no longer practice?And the only upside to that was dating Avery Hall.
What would I do with myself?I’m not the kind of person who could only be a Hollywood star’s appendix.Her plus-one to parties where I would know many of the guests and they would all be talking about me behind my back—or tell me straight to my face what a disgusting failure I am.What kind of life would that be?And that’s the best-case scenario, one where Avery and I would make it.
Worst case, I would be left without a job and without love.I’m used to a life without love.I’ve already been through the worst.Surely, getting over Avery is nothing compared to never seeing Lois again.
Chapter23
Avery
“You do know why it was wrong?”my new therapist asks.Jan Scott is about ten years older than Nic, I’m guessing, and there’s something a lot more distant about her.
“I know why some would consider it wrong,” I reply, because nothing anyone says will make me drop Nic in it.I will defend her until I’m all out of words.“But that doesn’t make it wrong.It certainly wasn’t wrong for me.”
“It’s understandable that you’re drawn to her.Therapy often brings up strong emotions,” Jan says.“But it was Nic’s responsibility to recognize that and remain professional.You were not in a position to hold that boundary.”
“Don’t make me out like I’m some victim.”I shake my head.“I’m really not.”
“It’s a therapist’s job to create a safe space where you can explore your feelings without any fear of exploitation.Even if it felt consensual in the moment, which I’m guessing it did to you, a sexual relationship crosses a line in a way that can be very harmful, even if it doesn’t feel like that now.”
I’m Avery Hall, I want to say, but wisely don’t.But I didn’t come here for a lecture on what Nic did wrong—or how I’m supposed to feel about it.I know how I feel about it.Harmed is the very last thing I feel.
“I may sound preachy, Avery, but I want to take some time to tell you this.”
I’d better not let it slip that Nic and I spent another night together.I very much get the feeling Jan might kick me out—so much for creating a safe space.And she could not possibly sound more preachy.
“No matter how strong or independent you are, there’s a built-in power dynamic in therapy.The therapist has access to your vulnerabilities.Entering into a sexual relationship takes advantage of that imbalance, whether intentionally or not,” Jan continues.“Ethical codes exist not to shame desire but to protect clients.A therapist engaging sexually with a client is considered one of the biggest violations in our field because it undermines the integrity of the entire therapeutic process.”
“Fuck that,” I say—how I miss Nic as my therapist.
“No, I won’t ‘fuck that,’” Jan says.“I need you to hear me.It’s important.”
“Okay, I’m sorry.”I have to give her something.“It’s just not how I experienced it.”
“Okay.”Jan softens a touch, but I’ve hardly warmed to her instantly.“How did you experience it?”
