“Does it really, though?”I dare to push, because I sense that, this morning, Nic is amenable to it.And it beats being kicked out and told we can never see each other again.“When you really think about it.”
“I’ll lose my practice,” Nic says.“My life’s work.”Her tone is harsher, but her face remains mellow.“Would you give up your career for… I don’t know… this?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Because the answer is no.I would never ask you to make that kind of sacrifice for me.And on top of that, I have to live with the fact that what I did was wrong.”
“It wasn’t wrong.”
“It was, but… your experience is different.”
“All I can say,” I make sure to look her straight in the eye, “is that I want to see you again.I want to keep seeing you.How you make me feel is too precious to give up without a fight.”
“I understand why you would say that.”Her hand finds mine.“I do, but a wish is not a fact.The point of life is also that you can’t have everything you want.”
“I won’t accept that.”
“So you want me to give up my career for you?My reputation?All I’ve worked for the past thirty years?”
Way to metaphorically punch me in the gut.“That’s hardly fair.”I wriggle my hand out from under hers.
“I know it’s not fair, Avery.But these are the facts.”She scoffs.“We don’t even know what this is.”I never knew someone scoffing could hurt so much.“It might very well be just an infatuation.Here today, gone if not tomorrow, then at least in a few weeks.I know it’s unfair, but I need to ask myself these questions.Even though I shouldn’t even be in this position.Everything about it is just wrong.”
“Then why does it feel so fucking good?”
Nic emits something between a laugh and a sneer.“For some reason, I can’t possibly resist you.I won’t diminish what I feel for you, but the fact is that I can’t be feeling it.”
“The fact is also that you are.”
“God, you’re impossible to talk to.”
“I know.I’m sorry.”I place my hand back on her belly, dangerously close to her breasts, but any sexual desire I feel is obliterated by the deflation running through me.I’m not stupid, nor heartless—far from it.I know what she’s asking me.I know what I have to do.“I—I don’t want to, Nic, but I’ll go.You don’t even have to say it this time.”
Her hand traps mine again.“Hey,” she says.“You’re very special.You made me feel things I haven’t felt in too long.You made me feel alive again and I will never forget that.”Her voice breaks.“I don’t want to let you go, but we both know why I have to.”
I can only nod while that knot I woke up with earlier solidifies into a rock of cold, hard stone.
“I know.”I bite back my tears—I’m an actor, I can do that.I don’t want Nic to see me cry.I’m not sure she could handle it.“I will never forget you either.”
I kiss her softly on the lips, one final time.
Chapter22
Nic
At three o’clock on Wednesday, the other chair in my office remains empty.All I can think of, throughout the entire hour, is how Avery’s session with Jan is going.I had plenty of time to come clean to Jan, to tell her that I slept with Avery again—and I didn’t stick to our deal—but, in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.I couldn’t bring myself to reduce what was a gorgeous night to just another transgression.To one more sin I have to confess to.
Avery might or might not tell her.It’s the dice I have to roll.I’ll know soon enough.
I’m also acutely aware that I should have already reported myself.But I haven’t.Jan was right when she said that sleeping with Avery doesn’t make me less of a therapist for my other clients.I might not recognize certain parts of myself when I look in the mirror, but I know that much.
Regardless the loss of my reputation, being a therapist isn’t just a job.Helping my clients is my purpose.After Lois died, this profession helped me heal.It made me feel like I mattered.That others relied on me for their well-being.
My practice was the most powerful motivation to get me out of bed in the morning when I really didn’t want to—and to crawl out of that dark well of grief.Because to be connected through everything that makes us human is the greatest privilege of my work.
As I often advise my patients, they are not their work.But my work is a big part of me.It’s what has always been there.A constant source of satisfaction but also many other things.And a job can’t get in a stupid accident and die on you—unless, of course, you suddenly display reckless behavior as I’ve done with Avery.
I can’t let go of this huge part of my life for a crush on a movie star who is twenty years my junior.It would be pure madness.I’ve put so much into this job.Years of training.Of building my practice—and my reputation.Of continued education to keep up with the latest research.Of trying to be the best I can be.
