I didn’t pick Avery’s replacement therapist’s name out of a hat.I chose Jan carefully because we’re friends.Because I trust her to talk to me first before running to the board.That was the idea when I contacted her, anyway.But I’ve been driving myself mad with what-ifs ever since I set up Avery’s appointment.To the point that I can’t handle it anymore and I take the huge risk of talking to Jan.Although not talking to her might be an even bigger risk.
It’s absolutely mortifying to sit across from her—and a very strong reminder why a therapist should never sleep with their client.
“I’m glad you invited me, Nic,” Jan says.“I wanted to discuss some things before Avery’s first appointment.”
I pour us some coffee and say, “About that.”
“I’m curious why you feel you can’t keep her on.”Jan studies my face.“The real reason, I mean.”
When I asked Jan if she was willing to replace me as Avery’s therapist, I told her it was a scheduling issue.That my calendar was just too full.But Jan is very good at her job, and it only takes her a few minutes of face-to-face time to see right through me.
“I know this is not a session, and this conversation is not confidential, but, please, Jan…” I cough something out of my throat—pure embarrassment, no doubt.“Please, um, I have to ask for your discretion before I tell you.”
She looks at me with the kind of piercing gaze that says ‘that’s not how this works and you know it’ but she does me the courtesy of not expressing it out loud, which I greatly appreciate.
“I am very sorry to say that Avery and I—that I have slept with Avery.”Having to admit this to Jan is doubly excruciating because, from a professional point of view, I’m ashamed, but personally, I hate having to reduce my night with Avery to this—to a confession.To sleep with someone is not nothing.Our night meant so much to me and to have such a beautiful thing poisoned by its circumstance is absolutely killing me.
“Oh, damn.”Jan puffs up her cheeks and lets the air escape ever so slowly.
“I know.”I can only shake my head.
“Can you give me the context?”Jan is a smart woman with even more years of experience in this job than I have.She served on the California Board of Psychology for two terms.She must have dealt with every infraction on the psychologist’s ethical code under the sun.
I tell her what happened.I try to be as honest as possible, only leaving out how, at times during my night with Avery, I felt like I was losing my mind—and I didn’t even care.
“Damn it, Nic.”She scrunches up her lips.“The fact that I’m here makes me think you feel pretty awful about it all.”
Her compassion surprises me, but I can’t accept it.I need a stern talking-to.Most of all, I need her to tell me what to do next.Whether to report myself or not.
“It shouldn’t have happened.”But, I think—and that’s why I need Jan.To make me see that no ‘but’ can ever be relevant here.
“That goes without saying, but it did happen.”Her gaze is kind when she looks into my eyes.“I know you.I’ve known you forever.So I also know you didn’t do this lightly.”
“Does it matter?”I swallow something out of my throat.
“Ethically, no.But on a personal level, I think it matters a great deal.”She picks up her cup.“Are there feelings involved?”
“There must be.”I nod.“Yes,” I admit.“But, again, it doesn’t really matter.”I manage a small smile.“I believe that my feelings for Avery are not mutual.They’re certainly not equal.Though I am sure it meant something to both of us, I think what we each got out of that night was very different.”
“Isn’t it always?”Jan’s very philosophical about all this.
“Your reaction surprises me.”
“I’m not the board, Nic.Not anymore.I’m also not naive.I know what humans are like.”
“Thank you for not judging me.”
“That’s what friends are for.”She expels a sigh.“Here’s what I propose.”She leans back in her chair.“Let me talk to Avery.Let me get her take on it.Assess how she feels and how she experienced it.”Jan looks at me.“Even though I know what this could cost me.”
Grateful, I nod.Because I’m fully aware I’m putting my friend in an impossible position here.
“Then we’ll talk again.Discuss reporting it to the board or not.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?”she asks and her question makes me chuckle—breaks the tension a little bit—because it’s such a typical therapist’s way to further a conversation.
I debate whether I can tell Jan this, but if not her, then who?“The problem is that I like her.That, perhaps, if we’d met under different circumstances, things could be different.Although…” I can only repeat what I’ve told Derek—and what I also believe to be true.“I’m not so delusional to think that Avery would have even noticed me.At Leslie’s party, I mean.I would probably just have been another admirer tripping over myself to compliment her onQueer Girl Summer.”
