“It’s hardly out of my way to take you home.I live in Silver Lake,” Avery says.
In order for Avery to take me home, I had to give her my address.There’s no question that crosses a line.But either I spend this drive thinking of all the ways this is wrong or I spend it enjoying how she makes me feel.How, when our fingers touched earlier, I felt more alive than I’ve done in the past five years.As though, with a tiny, simple touch, she pulled me from years of mourning.Because it’s all well and good to decide to start dating again, but when you don’t feel it—when you’re not ready—there really isn’t much point.But Avery makes me feel like I’m ready.She shouldn’t, but… That about sums it up.It’s why I’m here.It’s why I changed my mind.As long as I don’t let her into my house, everything will be okay.Yeah right.
The drive from the Hills to my house isn’t that far and there’s not that much traffic on a Sunday.Before I know it—before I’ve had a chance to properly enjoy it and, perhaps, let sink in what’s happening—Avery pulls up in front of my house.
“At your service,” Avery says.“Do you need help getting out?”
“I think I’ll manage,” I say, but something’s stopping me from getting out of her car.I look at her.“Thank you so much.You really didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to.”Her smile is a little devilish and her eyes are blazing all kinds of mischief.
“Do you want to come in?”It’s as though I’ve lost complete command of what I say and do.
“Is that allowed?”she has the audacity to ask.
“Absolutely not.”
“Then yes, please.”
Is it because everyone went gaga for her at my sister’s party and I’m the one she took home?Is it because I’ve watchedQueer Girl Summertoo often—and not just for its captivating storyline?Is it because she’s so gorgeous?It can and can’t be any of those things.It’s both possible and impossible at the same time.But I still find myself inviting her into my house, pouring her a glass of water, and standing, with my breath taken away, across from her in my kitchen.
“Being shrink to the stars pays well, huh?”It’s also this, I conclude.The way she talks as though she couldn’t give a fuck about how it makes her look and how it sounds.“Nice place, Doc.”
I drain my glass and put it down.All I will allow myself to do is take one step toward her—as though that can somehow exonerate me of this dangerous game I’m playing.I take the step.
Avery disposes of her glass and bridges the distance between us—of course, she does.She touches her fingers against my hand, curls her pinkie around mine, and I swear that the part of my heart that has refused to beat since Lois’s fatal accident springs back to effervescent, glorious life.It’s the tiniest of touches, but it moves a mountain inside of me.
Avery gazes into my eyes.Her breath is a little ragged—as uncontrolled as mine.Even though it could destroy everything I’ve built over the past thirty years, I want nothing more than for her to kiss me.I want this feeling to last.It’s reckless and unethical and unbelievably stupid in every way possible, yet, to me, in this moment, with Avery’s fingers curled around mine, and the promise of a life-changing kiss thick in the air, it also makes perfect sense.
Two things can be true at once, is a wisdom I like to impart on my clients.And it couldn’t be more the case right now.I should, at the very least, ask for her consent, but this situation doesn’t feel like a power imbalance to me—and if it did, the power is surely not in my hands.Because I feel utterly powerless.Otherwise, I’d stop this in a heartbeat.
“Nic,” Avery whispers as she angles her face toward me.“Can I kiss you?”
The kiss will be the point of no return.I’ve already broken most rules, but as soon as I let her kiss me, I will have failed at something I’ve always excelled at.But, as has been the case all afternoon—as soon as I spotted her at the party and my knees went a little weak—I do what I’m completely forbidden to do.I nod.
“Can you say it?”Avery says, while her grip on my hand intensifies.
“Yes,” I breathe.“God, yes.”
Her grin is a little smug and therefore even more sexy.She is completely unraveling me and I’m enjoying every second of it.
She leans in, then pauses as her fingers trace up my arm.She brings both her hands to my face and skates her fingers lightly along my cheeks.I place a hand on her side and the other on the back of a chair because I need all the support I can get.
She touches her lips to mine and, in the blink of an eye, I know I’m lost.I know that Avery Hall—toast of the town, as Derek called her—has me in a position I should never be in, yet it’s the only position I want to be in.I want her.Not just this kiss, which tears through me like a zipper being opened and unleashes all the emotions I’ve kept bottled up for way too long.I want all of her.
Her tongue slips into my mouth, and the dance that follows is so tender, so gentle, so everything I’ve missed, that I feel tears prick behind my eyes.This may not be allowed, but it’s exactly what I need.
Her hands slide to the back of my neck and she pulls me closer, the kiss grows deeper—into something else.Into foreplay.
When we come up for air and I look at her, every ounce of smugness is wiped off Avery’s face.This is not nothing for her, either.Although I may think that—or wish it—I will never know.Maybe I’m just a notch on her belt—an extra special one because I’m her therapist and this is strictly forbidden.But I don’t think she’s like that.
This is where it gets tricky, because I’m not supposed to know this.I’m not supposed to know how vulnerable she is underneath the bravado of all her swearing and that dazzling charm she wears like a second skin.I’m not supposed to know that she often doesn’t feel worthy enough—at least not because of the very reason I do know.
And while it may be wrong on so many levels, every cell in my body screams it’s right because I want her.Maybe I can forget the consequences for just one night—I’m perfectly willing to.For this feeling of being freed from underneath the glass dome I didn’t even know I’d been living under—like a fish doesn’t know what water is.It’s worth it, for me.But I do need to check in with her because I may plead a temporary loss of my senses, I still need to make sure I’m not doing her any harm.
“Are you sure about this?”I ask, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest.
“I could not possibly be more sure,” Avery says, her face the most serious I’ve seen it so far.“I want you so much, Nic.”She leans in again, and her lips find my ear.“I want to make you come,” she whispers.
