She sobs. ‘I saw what happened. After Ruby left and I went back to bed I think I fell asleep. But then I heard a noise. I sat up and saw that Evie wasn’t in bed.’
My heart starts to thud. ‘Okay.’
‘I know she sometimes goes into your room. And I thought I’d come in too. The door was open, and I realized I must have forgotten to lock it again after I went to the toilet. I was worried that someone – that someone had taken her …’
Oh, Amelia. She hasn’t been immune to my fears and now I’ve made them her own. I hate myself for causing her anxiety. Adrian’s right. I need to curb this over-protectiveness before I damage the girls.
‘… so I got up and saw her on the landing below. I think she was sleepwalking again. Like she did that time before. I was worried she was going to fall so I went after her. And then I saw Selena coming out of Julia’s room and she startled Evie. I heard Evie mumble something about a ghost and she pushed Selena.’ Tears seep out of her eyes. ‘She didn’t mean to. She thought Selena was a ghost. And she did look like a ghost, Mummy, in that long white gown. And Evie was asleep. She didn’t know what she’d done. And it was so spooky.’ Her tears are flowing fast now. ‘Evie had this weird glazy look on her face. I saw Selena topple over and Evie just walked back upstairs, really calmly. I ran over to her and I could tell she was asleep. And you always said,’ she sniffs, ‘you said never to wake up Evie if she’s sleepwalking, remember? So I led her back to bed. And I was too scared to do anything so I just went back to my own bed and kept my eyes closed really tightly, hoping it was a nightmare. And then I heard you get up. I thought you’d see Selena and get help and Selena would be okay. I never thought …’ She’s sobbing now. ‘I never thought she’d die.’
I feel like I might be sick. ‘Oh, God,’ I say. I pull my sobbing child into my arms and hold her as she cries. She’s been carrying the weight of this around with her all week. ‘It’s okay,’ I say, even if it’s not. ‘It will be okay, it’s just an accident.’
‘So it wasn’t Dean,’ she says. ‘He was telling the truth.’
Dean. He might not have killed Selena but he’s still guilty of a lot else: nearly killing me, blackmailing Selena, helping her bury Uncle Owen. And I realize, much to my surprise, that I’m happy to let Dean take the rap for this. Because the alternative would hurt Evie.
‘Listen to me,’ I say, grasping her hands. ‘It was an accident, okay? Evie wouldn’t have done it on purpose. She was sleepwalking and she saw Selena and thought she was a ghost. You know how over-imaginative Evie is? Dean is a bad man. He’s done a lot of bad things. We can’t tell Evie about this, okay?’ I feel terrible asking her to keep such a secret. But what would happen if I told the police? Would they take Evie away from us? They may think she has mental health issues. They may not believe that it was an accident. And then Evie would never be allowed to forget what she did. I can’t let that happen.
All these years I’ve been afraid of someone hurting the girls, yet one of them has taken a life.
‘Don’t carry the burden of this, honey,’ I say sternly. ‘You’ve told me now. Let me take it from you. Evie must never know. I don’t know what it would do to her.’
Amelia sniffs and rubs her sleeve across her eyes. ‘Okay.’
‘We have to try to move on now. Selena wasn’t the person we thought she was. She made out that Ruby was sick when she wasn’t. She was a bad mother. Okay?’
‘So Evie’s done Ruby a favour?’ she asks, her face brightening.
I cringe inwardly. It sounds awful to put it like that. But, in a way, she’s right. ‘Yes, she saved Ruby, really. And we must be thankful for that.’
40
Five months later
It’s two days into the Easter holidays and we have a full house for the first time since half-term. It’s not been easy: the bookings dried up after Selena’s murder, but then Dean was arrested, and charged, and slowly people started staying here again. Luckily, Selena’s murder only warranted a small piece in the national newspapers: a domestic killing isn’t that rare nowadays, according to Rachel. If it had been a stranger attack or a serial killer, that would have been different. Yet I’ve no doubt that the real truth would have grabbed headlines.
It’s been a steep learning curve, particularly for my relationship with Mum. Having to live and work together hasn’t been easy. We’ve never talked about Selena or Uncle Owen. It’s as though she’s put them in a box in her mind somewhere, taped up and stored away. Some things never change, and Mum has always found it hard to talk about feelings. But she only has to look at Ruby to see exactly what went on. Even she can’t fail to notice just how much Ruby’s changed since Selena’s death. It’s obvious to everyone now that Ruby doesn’t have Crohn’s, ME or any food allergy. The only thing she suffers from is mild asthma. I don’t like to think too much about what Selena did to that poor child to make her so ill. Julia had some ideas, and once mentioned deliberate starvation, but I sensed she was too sickened to go into details. I’ve read up about Munchausen syndrome by proxy now and it’s a condition I’ll never understand. It goes against every instinct I have as a mother.
It’s lovely to see how much Ruby has blossomed: she’s put on weight, goes to her local school, and seems content living with Nathan and Julia in Cardiff. They come and stay often. Julia rings me once a week with an update. Things haven’t been all plain sailing, of course. The adjustment for Ruby has been difficult and sometimes she acts up. Despite everything, she misses Selena.
Dean is still awaiting trial. He denies the charge, protesting his innocence. What he did to me has undermined his defence, though. The prosecution will no doubt use the attack on me as proof that Dean has violent tendencies.
Sometimes I feel guilty knowing he’ll probably go down for a murder he didn’t commit. But I’m a mother. My children come first, before anything. And it’s not like Evie did it in cold blood. She’s just a little girl.
Sometimes it hits me how similar I am to Selena. She was as ruthless in how she went about persuading everyone Ruby was ill as I am in guarding my daughter’s innocence. I’ve learned a lot about myself since Selena died. I’ve discovered I’m not so law-abiding after all.
Amelia seems happier at school and is finally making friends. She has a nice little group, and they all live locally. I’m trying to pluck up the courage to let her walk to school with them. She hardly mentions her London friends.
Even the locals have started to accept us. Mrs Gummage speaks directly to me when I go into the chemist now, instead of through Evie (although there’s never been an apology from her or Nancy), and the other day Lydia waved at me from her front garden.
The only people who know what really happened to Selena are Adrian, Amelia and me.
Julia still believes that Ruby pushed her mother down the stairs and I’ve never corrected her. It doesn’t escape me how willing I am to threaten Julia’s relationship with her adoptive daughter in order to protect my own with Evie.
Adrian was shocked when I told him about Evie. He said he’d had his suspicions that it had been Julia. When he’d gone out for his run that morning, he’d seen Julia go into the playroom. That must have been when she was checking on Nathan. That’s why he’d been so defensive: he’d thought he was protecting her. He’s still hiding things and so am I.
Evie goes about her life in ignorance of her crime, her wonderful imagination intact. I’d hate her to know the truth. She was upset when Ruby left: she’s got it into her head that they’re twins despite the year’s difference in their ages. But they’re coming to stay next week and she’s so excited.
There have been a few issues with Evie since Selena died.
