Not long after, he moved back to Cardiff, met Julia, eventually married her, and never mentioned Selena again.
‘How are you doing?’ I say now, stamping my feet against the cold.
He lifts his shoulders. ‘It’s a shock. I never knew Selena would be here when Mum suggested we came to stay. I thought something weird went down between the two of you years ago and that you’d lost touch.’
‘Mum,’ I say simply.
He raises his eyebrows. ‘Ah, Mum. Meddling again.’
I laugh, my breath blooming in front of me. ‘Yep. She was the one who invited her here, despite my better judgement.’ I realize it sounds harsh now, under the circumstances. ‘Although I’m glad I got to see her and that we made up.’ A lump has formed in my throat and I’m unable to say any more.
Nathan grips his mug and his face crumples. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was on the verge of tears. ‘Nathe?’ I touch his arm, bracing myself to bring up the subject of why his number was among Selena’s things. ‘Is everything okay?’ I reach into my back pocket and hand him the piece of card. ‘I found this in Selena’s coat. It’s your number.’
He takes it. His hand is trembling.
‘Nathe?’
He hands me back the card. ‘Yes, it’s my number.’
‘What’s going on?’ I ask. ‘Why did she have it? I thought you’d lost touch years ago.’
He shakes his head and his dark blond hair flops into his face. It reminds me of how he used to be as a boy. I often wondered what went on in his head and whether he could remember his first few years with his biological mother. Sometimes, when he played up, I worried that those eighteen months of neglect had damaged him more than any of us realized. ‘I’ve really messed things up,’ he says, his voice hoarse.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ve done something stupid. Really, really stupid.’
I’m seized by fear. I think of the morning Selena lay unconscious at the foot of the stairs and Nathan’s plea not to tell the police he was sleeping on his own just feet away from where she was found. ‘What have you done?’
‘I’m going to have to tell Julia. It’ll all come out. It’s going …’ his voice catches and he composes himself ‘… it’s going to ruin us. And I love her. I love her so much.’
It’s as though I’m travelling in a runaway car, knowing it’s about to crash but bracing myself for the impact. ‘What have you done?’ I repeat, even though I know the answer.
‘I slept with Selena,’ he says.
I exhale.
‘It was my friend’s stag night in Cardiff. We bumped into each other. I was drunk and so was she. It was just that one night. It was a mistake. We both knew it. She went back to Manchester and I never saw her again … until the other day.’
‘How long ago?’ I try to calculate when he moved back to Cardiff, when he met Julia.
‘Before I was married. But I was living with Julia. It was a stupid, reckless, selfish thing to do. My feelings for Selena were confused. I thought I loved her, until I slept with her and then I knew it wasn’t love. It was just infatuation. Julia’s the one I love.’
‘How many years ago?’
He finally meets my eye, his expression distraught. ‘About nine months before Ruby was born.’
30
I can’t stop myself. I punch Nathan’s upper arm really hard. ‘How could you?’ I cry. ‘How could you do that to Julia?’
He swears under his breath and rubs the spot where I punched him. ‘That hurt.’
‘Selena never said Nigel wasn’t Ruby’s father. Does he know?’
‘I don’t know what she’s said to him. I’ve only recently found out myself. She told me. The day before she died.’
She could have been lying. Selena lied about everything.
