But when Angeni stood from the couch, the world tilted on its axis, and she felt her body collapse as Erik said, “Oh shit.”
When she came to, she wasn’t sure if a few minutes or a few hours had passed. Erik, Matt, Jer, and Aurora were hovering over her, a circle of faces with identical looks of concern. In the background, the screen was dark. Adriene and Michael were gone.
“Babe?” Erik said.
“Oh my god, she’s okay,” Aurora said.
“What happened?” Angeni asked them.
“I’ll get some water,” Jer said. His face disappeared from the circle of faces.
“You passed out,” Aurora said.
Angeni pressed herself up to her elbows.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Erik said. “Take it slow.”
“Is your arm okay? You kind of hit it on the table when you went down,” Matt said.
“I’m okay,” she said, though everything was numb. She wasn’t aware of any feeling in her arm at all. It was the shock, of course. Later, she would feel a throbbing near her elbow. There would be a bruise.
As Erik helped her up onto the couch, Angeni saw Sitka come in from outside, baby Freya in her arms. As she took in the scene, with everyone tending to Angeni, the pleasant smile on her face vanished, and her brows knitted together.
“What happened?” Sitka asked.
“Can I hold Freya?” Angeni asked her, stretching her arms out in front of her, clenching and unclenching her fists, just as Freya did when she wanted something.
Sitka sat next to her on the couch, transferred the baby into Angeni’s arms. Angeni pulled Freya against her chest, kissed her head and cheeks. There was this mysterious force between mother and baby, this ability to coregulate, to bring each other’s nervous systems into alignment. She felt her body absorb Freya’s simple joy and cried tears of relief.
“Oh, my baby,” she said.
“She passed out during the podcast episode,” Aurora whispered to Sitka.
Jer sat on the other side of Angeni, offered her a glass of water and sliced apple on a plate.
“Maybe you need some sugar in your system,” he said.
“She had breakfast not that long ago,” Aurora said.
“Can I just have some space, actually? Just me and Freya?” Angeni asked.
When she looked up at the group of them, they were a giant blur, her vision obscured by the tears in her eyes.
“Of course, babe,” Erik said. Then, to the rest of them: “Come on, guys.”
Most of them went outside. Sitka vanished down the hallway toward her room. She wasn’t one to hang with the group.
Angeni stayed on the couch with Freya. She took off her blouse and let Freya latch on to her breast. Angeni felt peace come over her. This was the power of breastfeeding—it calmed both parties. Mother and daughter, a symbiotic ecosystem.
While Freya fed, Angeni ate a few slices of apple, downed a glass of water, and tapped out an email with an effusive apology to Adriene and Michael:I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, I’m so sorry.
When she stood from the couch, she felt a bit weak, but mostly fine. She’d had a visceral reaction to Adriene and Michael’s question about Freya’s whereabouts. Her mama heart had panicked. That was all this was—a needed reminder of her priorities, a wake-up call of sorts.
“Mama loves you,” she said to Freya, who responded with a gummy smile.
As she headed outside to find the group and explain her interpretation of what had happened, Erik was coming down the path back to the house.
“Hey,” he said. “You feeling better?”
